A Journey Through Time

Chapter 1 ~ Feeling Lost

Throughout my whole life, I never knew what I truly wanted to do. I knew that I liked doing arts and crafts when I was younger. I also liked hanging out with my sister. But it feels like I can't tap back into those moments anymore.

I was so used to hating myself and having a miserable life, and a lot of the self-hatred I had came from being mistreated by my parents and classmates. I became accustomed to living life with a bunch of distractions to get me through the day so that I didn't have to think about myself or any of the self-hatred feelings I had. Everything I did was a distraction. Homework, video games, watching shows on TV, being in relationships that didn't serve me. Even making music and doing arts was a distraction.

To this day, I still struggle with using distractions to block out my emotions. It will feel like I can't even get through the day without distracting myself.

When I'm by myself with just my thoughts and no distractions, I am usually not happy. Most of the time, I'm not happy with myself. I know that the times I am truly happy are the times when I'm grateful for my life. But sometimes it's hard for me to be grateful when my mind is constantly all over the place. I have so many things going on in my brain all the time that it's like I can't seem to process anything. I can easily get forgetful and focus my attention on other things instead of my actual emotions.

I want to be able to sit down and immediately be aware of what it is I am feeling (even if it's self-hatred or fear) and be able to live in the present moment. Even more so, I want to be aware of what God wants me to do in the present moment. I want to access the intuition that tells me to go in a certain direction, regardless of how risky and nerve wracking it may be.

I want to be able to just hear His voice. I'm always non-stop and never get a moment to just be with Him. If I could, I would just quit everything I'm doing right now, just to get one minute with God. But I've already traveled so far in this journey. God has literally brought me through so many battles. I can't necessarily stop what I'm doing right now. I'm so close to that finish line. I'm so tired and exhausted. Every step I take doesn't feel like a step I truly want to take. Everything that I'm doing right now feels like a distraction. Like an automation. Like a ghost of who I truly am. I so badly want to unlock the person I really am, and not just continue living as the person resulted from the traumas and histories of my past.

Every time I think I know what I want to do, I end up questioning it. But usually when my choice feels right, I feel it with my entire being. I pursue it limitlessly. Every time I pursued something with so much drive and passion, I ended up getting it. It had to be something I wanted more than anything. And I trusted myself enough that I knew I would get it. I feel like that's always been my philosophy. Anything I set my mind to, I end up getting. Because that always happens for me. But the catch is that my mind has to be set on a specific goal. And the goal has to be big enough and matter to me enough for me to pursue it so strongly.

My mind hasn't been set on anything lately. Really, my friendships and family are the only things that have felt important, besides writing and exploring my spirituality. Every time my friends want to do things together, I do things with them. With my family, if my mom wants to have lunch together, I do it, without question. I get really really disappointed when I can't do those things for my friends and family. I'm grateful for having them. It's something that I was desperate to have for most of my life. It felt like all I had was my sister by my side growing up. Now I have her and even more friends I can count on. Real friends, who I can be my vulnerable, goofy self with. And I'm forever grateful. The problem is just everything else in my life.

The beach and just an image of water has been on my mind lately. Because the weather has been getting hotter, I've been wanting to go to the beach or the pool to cool off. I don't know if I just need to be there and just hear the waves or actually do something there. Even if I don't step foot into the water, I just feel like I need to be at the beach or somewhere with water. That's the only for sure thing that has been recurring in my mind. Every time I see a pool I think about either going in the pool or going to the beach and just basking in the water after being in the warm heat. So who knows, maybe I'll go to the pool or something.

At the end of the day, I just want to know what my heart truly wants. I want to be able to locate a path that feels right and immediately jump onto it.