My Journey Through Self Love

Chapter 1 - Feeling Lost

Throughout my life, I never knew who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.

When I was younger, I liked doing different things for fun, like arts and crafts or hanging out with friends. Even when my life didn't seem so great on the outside, I was still able to enjoy life and follow my curiosities. But over time, as I grew up, I found it harder to tap back into those moments of joy.

As I became a teenager, I was mistreated more and more by my parents and classmates for just being myself. I was (and still am) a very emotional person, and I was really shy and standoffish, so I was constantly bullied and called names because of it. I ended up molding myself into what everyone else wanted me to be just so that I would be liked by others.

I was also abandoned by my father and my feelings were always dismissed by my mother. So I learned that my feelings didn't matter and there was no point in me expressing myself. It was my first big hit of feeling unloved and forgotten.

And if that wasn't enough, the pressures my mom placed on me to succeed academically made me feel like I was never good enough. I spent most of my life chasing good grades in school for approval instead of focusing on what I was truly interested in.

My sense of emotional safety was gone, and I had begun hating everything about myself.

I became accustomed to relying on a bunch of distractions to get me through the day just so that I didn't have to think about how much I hated myself. Now as an adult, I struggle with allowing my emotions to come to the surface, and I end up prioritizing work and productivity instead of focusing on my wellbeing.

From dealing with the pressures of academic success to now dealing with the pressures of working and making money as an adult, I keep finding myself more stuck and lost than I've ever been before.

I don't want to be in this lost and broken place anymore. I want to be able to enjoy the present moment again. I don't want to put pressure on myself to reach certain standards that others have placed on me.

I want to unlock the person I really am (through self-love), and not just continue living as the person resulted from the traumas and histories of my past.