My Journey Through Self Love

Chapter 35 - Questions I'm Asking (and Answering) For Myself About Emotions

What Am I Feeling and Why?

I feel uncertain about everything:
- I overthink and overanalyze every decision I need to make, trying to predict every possible outcome to create the certainty that was missing in my life before. Every decision feels high stakes because I don't want to repeat painful experiences or end up in a situation where I feel powerless.
- I struggle to trust my own instincts because I don't want to let myself down by choosing the "wrong" path. I don't trust myself because I've let myself down before.
- Every time I think I've settled on a path, doubt creeps in, and I start wondering if there's something I overlooked. I want clarity but I feel stuck in an endless cycle of questioning.
- I don't feel fully sure about anything—not my career, my relationships, myself, or my future—which makes it harder for me to move forward. Seeing global crises adds another layer to my uncertainty. If everything can be taken away so easily, then what's the point?

I feel drained from everything, especially my own emotions:
- My emotions are really deep AND I absorb the emotions of others. I've had to navigate emotional intensity my entire life (bullying, abandonment, heartbreak, and loneliness) as well as collective pain (racial injustice, the pandemic, and other ongoing things). Seeing so much suffering in the world makes me feel numb, like I've been exposed to too much pain that I no longer have the energy to care about.
- I don't always get the emotional rest I need because I feel responsible for helping others or making sure I don't let anyone down.
- Even when I'm alone, my mind is constantly processing emotions and situations, so I never feel like I can fully shut off. I've had to feel so much, for so long, and I'm so exhausted by it all.
- I love being compassionate, but it's exhausting to feel everything so intensely all the time.

I feel pressured to get everything right:
- Every choice feels like it has huge consequences because I need my life to feel meaningful.
- I don't want to waste anymore time on something that doesn't truly fulfill me, but I also don't know exactly what that is.
- I worry that if I pick the wrong path, I'll end up stuck and regretful.
- I feel like I should know what I want by now, and that pressure makes it even harder to figure things out.
- It's overwhelming to think that my choices today might affect my future happiness, and I don't want to get it wrong. My deep need for purpose makes every choice feel like life or death.
- I'm such a perfectionist because I want protect myself from feeling powerless or lost.

I feel disconnected from everyone and everything, including myself:
- I crave deep, meaningful relationships, but I often feel like I don't truly belong anywhere.
- My introspective nature makes me feel distant, like I'm watching life from the outside rather than fully experiencing it.
- I've withdrawn from friendships because of my own struggles, and now it's hard to reconnect. After going through so much loss (my dad leaving, friendships fading, homelessness, and emotional struggles) I've learned not to get too attached, because attachment often led to pain.
- I feel like I've missed out on certain relationships or experiences because I was too caught up in my own head. My introspection and self-reliance became a survival tool, but now it's hard to reach out, even when I want to. I'm afraid of rejection, of realizing that some connections have faded, or of not knowing how to reconnect.
- Sometimes I don't feel connected to myself—like I've lost sight of who I truly am outside of responsibilities and worries.

I feel tired and I want to slow down but I feel guilty about resting:
- I'm exhausted—mentally, emotionally, and physically—but I struggle to let myself just rest. I've spent years pushing myself, whether it's school or trying to keep myself from breaking down for the approval of others.
- When I try to slow down, I feel restless, like I should be doing something. Rest didn't feel earned because there was always something urgent to handle. I learned that being productive meant being safe.
- I worry that if I stop being productive, I'll fall behind or be seen as lazy. I already feel like I've been seen that way now.
- My worth feels tied to how much I accomplish, so I struggle to relax without feeling guilty.
- Even when I want to do nothing, I can't full enjoy it because my mind won't stop racing.