Top Gun Rooster

Chapter 3: Pretending

Satisfied but lost in love
Situations change
You're never who you used to think you are
How strange
I get lost in alibis
Sadness can't prevail
Everybody knows strong love
Can't fail
Don't be pretending about how you feel
        "Pretending" by Eric Clapton

    Pete woke up to the distant sounds of a coffee grinder. The San Diego sun was just lighting up the gauze curtains in Penny's bedroom when he opened his eyes. Although he was awake, he didn't want to get up just yet. He wanted to savor the feeling of waking up in the bed with someone he loved.

But she wasn't in bed with him. The bed was still warm though, and when he listened, he heard her moving around downstairs, and that was enough to bring a grin to his face. The sound of the coffee grinder must have woken him.  Although he appreciated the silence that usually greeted him in his own home, the Airstream in the hangar, he found that the sound of someone else in this house gave him a different feeling. He wasn't sure what that feeling was, but he liked it. He lay there just soaking in the pleasure of it.

    There had been a few women in his life since he and Charlie the flight instructor split up so many years ago, she to pursue her career, and he to pursue his. In fact, for a short time after he and Charlie went their own ways, he tried to bury the hurt in one night stands. It was what they wanted anyway, he told himself, the women who hung out in the bars where the pilots went. Pete's handsome features and confidence gave him that option.

But these women were not memorable to him in any way. He didn't remember their names, or even their faces. He only remembered the physical satisfaction the next day, the way the other men admired him for it, and the emotional emptiness he felt while soaking in their admiration. He remembered the proud smile he pasted over the hollow feeling he had inside that he tried pretend was satisfaction. The sudden feeling of shame overcame him, and Pete gazed at the sunlight and the humid air blowing the curtains willing the feeling to pass. It was so many years ago, but it still felt raw to think about.

    Then there were the few women with whom he spent more time. There was Amanda, the flight attendant. They were so wrong for each other in so many ways, but when they had fun, they had a lot of fun. He smiled in that memory, but then the smile faded and his brow furrowed when he remembered their turbulent break up. Then there was Jennifer who tried to be everything he wanted. It seemed to be perfect.  At first. But then he realized that just having someone who tried to be a reflection of himself wasn't satisfying either. He wanted someone who was their own person, and who was a complement to his. Then there was Stephanie, the flight engineer, who was definitely her own person. They went their own ways, to the satisfaction of both of them.
    Thinking about those past relationships, he wondered about this new feeling.

Perhaps this wasn't a new feeling at all. Perhaps it didn't just have to do with sharing a space with someone. He'd had that before and this feeling wasn't there then. Maybe it was more than that.

    For a while now, he had just focused on work. It had been more years than he cared to remember, since he had someone in his life. Someone important enough to say that they were in his life. He thought that Penny could be that person who complemented him. He had had a brief affair with Penny when they were younger, before Charlie. She was still the same Penny, so headstrong, unafraid to be honest with Pete, and with such a big heart. They were so young back then. He was so brash. She was so optimistic. Neither of them were ready to settle down. Although he was the one who called it off, they had ended that relationship on fairly good terms.    
    At least he thought so.

    Then they had seen each other off and on, before she and Amelia's father got together. Now that the years had gone by, they were different people. Well no, they were actually the same people in essence, he realized, he still felt like the he hadn't changed since he was the young man gazing at her. But at the same time, his attitudes had changed. What he wanted had changed. In his memory, what he had wanted when he was younger was much more about physicality. What a strange thing that was, Pete contemplated. If someone told him 35 years ago that there was more to life than sensation, of physical needs, of the need for speed, he would have laughed. But now, he felt those things to be in the back seat. There were other things that he now felt to be more important.