Yours Truly, Austin Post - Post Malone

4

It's a good hour before Austin walks back into the kitchen. He has a heaviness to him that she has never seen before, but given the circumstances, it's not surprising. He looks unsure as to what to say like he is lost without the steady guidance of Gracie's gentle hands. "What...what is it that you need to know? I intend on doing everything for Gracie so I am not sure what the point of having you around is...sorry," he says playing with the wedding band on his finger. That's surprising, she has never noticed it before and neither have any of the other fans - they would have been all over that shit. "I only wear it at home. My record label wanted to keep the allusion of me being all rockstar and whatever the fuck else they come up with. But, it keeps things quiet for Gracie too so I go with it. I would hate for her to receive a slew of nasty messages from people just because she is married to me. I don't think her kind spirit could handle that," he says. He must have seen her looking at it.

"I think you made a good decision given the shit I have seen people say online," Ava says trying to build that trust, but she does agree with him. "So..." he says shifting uncomfortably. He does not want her here. "I think it's good for both you and her to remain her caretaker. I will just do the stuff that takes time away from her for you. I can sort her medication out every day-"

"No. I like to do that. I like making sure it is right and no offense but, I don't know you. I don't know how careful you will be."

"Ok...well, I could make her meals when she is too unwell."

"No. I do that. There will come a time I won't be able to make her meals and so..."

"Uh...what if-"

"I bath her, I dress her, I take her for walks, I do her hair and her makeup, I help her shop for clothes and sit with her while she watches her shows. I paint her nails and pick fruit from her orchard when she asks, I weed her garden and I cut vegetables when her hands are too weak while she tries to cook. There is nothing I am prepared to give up," Austin says. He is defensive, he tells Ava all this as a warning not to intervene in any of these things, he is not boasting - she does not think boasting even crosses his mind, he does all this because he loves her and it is not a burden to him.

"Ok, well...I could just be a friend to Gracie. It will be fun for her to have someone to gab about rubbish with."

"She gabs about rubbish with me," Austin snaps. He is terrified that when Gracie is gone there will be that one thing he wishes he had done more of with her but, the truth of the matter is that no matter what he does, no matter how much time he spends with Gracie it will never be enough. He will always wish he had more time and had done more for her.

"What if I just hung around and take my cues from you? I won't do anything until you ask me to," Ava says softly. "Like the dishes?" he asks pointing to the dishes Ava had washed. "Yes, like the dishes," Ava replies. She is not offended by him, the man is at breaking point - this part is as hard as the next and the part after that is just as hard as the part that follows. He is measuring time not by hours but by moments and he is scared to miss a moment by accident even if that's just a dish that Gracie had dirtied, soon there will be no more dishes that Gracie would have touched and Ava understands that.

"Sorry...I am just-"

"Please don't apologize. You are measuring time in moments, moments you are afraid you will never get back. I understand that...I didn't say anything to Gracie because it would make her sad and she has enough on her shoulders, but the has and I said I have...I lost him to a long hard battle against cancer."

Austin stares at her for what feels like years and then slowly sinks into one of the kitchen chairs, playing with his wedding band again. "How long ago?" he whispers. "Three years ago," Ava says edging closer to him. "What is his name?" Austin asks. Ava smiles and sits down on the chair next to him. That's the difference between people who can only sympathize and those that have been through it. Those that sympathize ask big questions or are too scared to ask any questions at all, those that have experienced what she has or what Austin is living through now ask simple straightforward questions as if the person who is gone is just in the other room. "His name is Carter. We were childhood best friends and then we fell in love and when he got sick we got married, I wanted to bind myself to him," Ava says. Austin bites his bottom lip and nods, he knows what she means.

"Does it get easier? After?" he asks, she can see he is holding back tears. He is scared. She wants to lie to him. Tell him that you stop feeling, you forget, you move on - but that would be unfair to him and would make it worse when he gets hit in the face when that pain rips his chest apart. "No...it never gets easier...but, you do find a way to live with it...for them...you live with it," Ava says softly, she misses Carter every day and still finds herself having to stop and let herself cry at not having him around sometimes. She had to pull her car over on the way here when she remembered the feeling of his soft skin on her jaw, she would give anything for just one more moment with him.

"What happens after?" Austin asks. It's an intrusive question but, Ava knows it comes from a place of terror. While Gracie is fighting a battle to live now, Austin's battle to live only starts after Gracie is gone and if he is anything like Ava - that was more scary than anything else. How do you live when your reason is no longer alive? Ava was not ok, she's still not ok. "I think it's different for everyone, just like what's happening between you and Gracie now - its own story. It's painful, how you process it...well, you don't know how to process it until it's buried in your chest - there is no right or wrong way to do it," Ava says as gently as she can. Austin looks down and fiddles with his ring again, he does not know it but that ring will mean so much more to him one day soon. He sighs and stands then walks over to a cabinet and opens it. It's filled with countless bottles of medication. "This is her medication. She needs to take a cocktail of shit five times a day. I divide it out once a week," he says then closes the cabinet and pours two cups of coffee, handing her one then he flicks his head to the kitchen door. She follows him out and down a long passage. "All these rooms are spare. Pick whatever one you like - our families visit often but they don't have designated rooms so it won't make much difference as to where you sleep," he says then stops in front of large double doors at the end of the passage. "This is our room, Gracie is sleeping and I don't like being away from her long so please be quiet. I don't want her to be woken up," he says quietly then opens the doors and ushers her in.

The room is beautiful. A soft light grey carpet lines the floor and she wants to take her shoes off and sink her feet into it. The walls on either side of the bed are made up of only windows, floor to ceiling, with heavy charcoal curtains draped on either side of them. There are only two solid walls, one sections off the bathroom and is white. It holds a large tv and a heavy warm wood cabinet that is adorned with silver frames holding pictures of Austin and Gracie. There's also a hanging copper fireplace in the corner with roughly chopped logs stacked underneath it. The wall opposite, is a light grey that has a shimmer to it and the bed pushed against it is a four-poster bed with soft white cotton draped over the top of it. The wood of the bed matches the warm wood of the tv cabinet, as well as the huge oversize side tables on either side of the bed. The quilted duvet is a brilliant white, and she sees the top of Gracie's head peeping out as she lies sleeping, hugged by soft white pillows. Austin opens a set of doors leading out to a private patio that has a set of comfy-looking chairs positioned to look out over the vast county side and Salt Lake City in the distance. "Sit," Austin says pointing to one of the chairs as he pops back inside to check on Gracie.