Yours Truly, Austin Post - Post Malone

16

Ava can't sleep. She has a nasty knot in her chest that just won't go away no matter how hard she tries to ignore it. Eventually, she gets out of bed, it's past midnight but maybe a walk around the house will get her brain a little less busy and then she can attempt sleep again. She walks down to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water then wanders around the house. It truly is a beautiful home and yes it screams money but it's not pretentious. Ava does not know how Gracie did it - she has made it look humble even if the rug in the den costs twenty-five thousand dollars, Ava may have searched it up online. Not to be nosy but because she likes it and was thinking of getting it although she hasn't been able to stay in the house she shared with Carter - she spends minimal time there - it's just not the same without him and she does not have the heart to sell it so she just floats around.

She stops when she sees the front door open then pops her head out curiously. Austin is bent over the open hood of a car fiddling with the engine. His phone and the black alarm box to Gracie's sensor pad balanced on the fender next to him. He also has a six-pack of beers on the floor next to him and they look way better than the water she is drinking. "You mind sharing?" she asks. Austin freezes at the sound of her voice then stands upright slowly and looks down his nose at her. He is still mad. He grides his teeth and then motions for her to take one before he ducks back under the hood.

Ava puts her water down then walks down the steps and takes a beer then peeps into the engine to see what he is working on. Being a fan she had always known he was car crazy, he has an insane car collection. But, she had thought he would have a personal mechanic on hand to fiddle with any car issues. But, now that she knows him a little better it's not out of character for him to be working on this car - although it is a Mazda which surprises her. She would have thought he stuck to cars with names she can't pronounce.

"Why do you have a Mazda? Don't people like you have expensive cars?"

"People like me?"

"You know what I mean."

"Do you mean people like me who came from hard-working parents who struggled to pay day-to-day living costs? Or people like me who worked super hard and got lucky then made it big time only to find out my only reason worth living for is dying and I can't do a fucking thing to fix it other than just stand by helplessly? Or people like me who can't fucking sleep because I have limited time with my baby but I am choosing to fight with her so I am working on the first car we bought together even though it is a piece of crap but I can't get rid of it because I am so fucking scared of tomorrow or the day after that so I hold on to junk only because my wife once touched it? Is that what you mean by people like me, Ava?"

Ava had not meant any of that and he knows it but his anger is at boiling point so he is venomous. She shakes her head slightly then turns and sits down on the front steps, taking a sip of her beer. Austin gives her a dirty look then ducks under the hood again. They're silent as he tinkers and she finishes her beer. She gets his turmoil - Gracie's condition is delicate and she is already on a cocktail of drugs. He is losing her already and petrified of doing anything that might make him lose her faster, all he can hope for is just one more day, one more moment with her, and his mind is only on her - not himself so he can see no value in freezing her eggs for him. To him, this is about Gracie, not himself.

Suddenly and without warning Austin stands and throws the tool in his hand as far as he can across the yard then lets out a frustrated scream. "This is fucked up! It's fucking bullshit!" he screams then stands with his back to her and lets his head droop. She watches as his shoulders shake softly - the man is at breaking point. "We had plans. We had so many plans...and now...nothing. Just like that," he snaps his fingers, "it's blank...when she goes...when she leaves me here... it's just blank," he whispers, defeated. He turns and looks at Ava. "I try...I try to imagine life after her but, I can't see it... it's just...blank," he says, his voice cracking. "She apologized to me...when she got sick...she turned around and fucking apologized to me like she had any choice in the matter...she does not deserve this... it's unfair."

"It is unfair..." Ava says softly. She has been told so many things meant for comfort. Everything happens for a reason, only the strongest people can handle this pain, you gave him a good life, and he feels your love, and then after Carter was gone people said things like - he is not in pain anymore, he's in a better place, he's at peace. But, none of that takes away from the fact that this is all very unfair.

"Sometimes I think it's because I am undeserving of her love. Undeserving of the happiness she offers so when I found it, it was ripped away from me. I am being punished for thinking I was ever good enough for Gracie."

Ava nods again. She had the same thoughts and still does. What other logical reason could there be for experiencing such wonderful love and then having it ripped away from you after trying to do everything right? Austin sighs as he bends, taking two beers out of his box and handing one to Ava while sitting down next to her and opening it.

"She is in pain. She is dying and all she is worried about is me...I don't understand it."

"Love...she loves you and she knows you better than you know yourself - she knows what you need to help heal you even when you don't."

"She said she could never repay me for all I have done...I never did any of this expecting anything back from her. I love her so I cherish her. I cherish her so I will look after her... that's all there is to it."

"She knows."

"Would you? If you had this option? Would you?"

"Yes...not to replace Carter. But, to watch a life force that was taken so unfairly defy the laws of nature and flourish in another who will be, for all intense and purposes, their own person."

"Would it not be unfair? A child coming into this world with only one parent? With only a dad?"

"Well, that depends..."

"That depends on what?"

"On who the father is. Some very special kids get superheroes... superbad's - they can do dad stuff and mom stuff and their love...well, their love is a super kind of love."

Austin turns his head slowly and looks at Ava, there is a knowing that glows deep inside them and she even sees a tiny smile lift the corners of his mouth. She stands and looks down at him. "Your wife trusts you...trust her. She knows you need this even if you don't. You don't ever have to use them but, she knows the option will bring you solace. Just think about it, all the research is on the dining room table - reading that might be more useful than tinkering on that Mazda."