Hopeless//5sos✔️

12.

i sat there at the table with my arms crossed as i stared at the ground.

i wasn't going to eat this.

i was finally losing weight and colton liked it, why were they trying to sabotage this for me?

eventually everyone was done eating and was just sitting there.

"who has a shift tomorrow?" luke spoke suddenly.

michael and calum raised their hands.

"i don't have to go in til the afternoon. you two can go up." ashton spoke as he sat across from me next to luke.

as soon as michael and calum went upstairs i spoke up, "i'm not eating anything."

"that's not an option. why are you doing this to yourself? you're so beautiful honey." ashton spoke with a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"i'm not skinny enough? just a couple more pounds. 5 more pounds then i'm done, i promise." i whispered.

"that's what you said last time sav! you said that last time when you were 90 pounds. i cant lose you to this." luke spoke firmly as he placed his hands on the table.

"i- "look either you eat on your own, or i'll force you to eat and trust me, i will do it." luke spoke tiredly.

"you can't force me to do anything! i'm done here. i don't have to eat if i don't want too." i spat out as i stood up from the table and started to head upstairs.

suddenly, someone caught my arm and stopped me in my tracks.

"judging by the conversation i heard, i don't think you ate anything yet. please go downstairs." calum spoke as he directed me downstairs.

calum forced me back into the chair where i leaned back and crossed my arms.

"i don't want to eat! i'm not hungry!" i spat out as tears gathered in my eyes.

"you need to eat." calum spoke simply.

"just go away everyone. i don't want to eat. please. i don't want to gain weight." i whispered as tears fell down my face.

i saw ashton, who decided to stay silent, shoot me a sympathetic look.

"look, i hate to be the mean brother, but i don't want you to starve yourself sav. i need you to eat a quarter of the plate then you can go." luke stressed.

"no." i replied firmly.

"you guys can go upstairs." luke spoke as he motioned for calum and ashton to head upstairs.

"it's just you and i beautiful girl. why are we doing this to ourselves?" luke sighed as he sat in front of me.

"i'm fat luke. i just need to get to 100, then i'll stop. i promise." i mumbled.

"you said that last time. i don't want to be harsh or firm with you, but i don't trust you right now. i don't trust that you have your own best interest in mind. i need to be able to trust that you aren't going to fall back into an eating disorder." luke spoke calmly.

"i need to lose this weight luke. what do you not understand about that?" i spoke as tears ran down my cheeks.

"i don't understand why you think you need too? you were at a perfectly healthy weight sav." luke replied.

"no! i wasn't! i was fucking fat! i was so disgusting." i sobbed as i continuously wiped the tears that were falling down my face.

before luke could respond, michael interrupted.

"i think you should go take a breather. i'll take over for a bit." michael spoke softly.

luke reluctantly got up and walked upstairs.

"w- "let me grab a plate of food and we can talk about anything you want." michael interrupted as he went to go grab more food.

i nodded slowly and sat there with the fork in my hand.

to say the least, i was surprised this worked.

i ended up eating half of my plate while talking to michael about mario kart........

i suddenly felt extremely guilty and felt the food hit my stomach like a rock.

"i need to go to the bathroom." i mumbled as i stood up.

"no, please sit. give me 30 more minutes." michael spoke as he stood up.

i quickly bolted for the restroom, but before i could reach it, ashton caught a hold of my arm.

"no! please no! i need to get it out of me! it's making me sick!" i cried as tears began to roll down my face as i struggled.

"that's what your head is telling you. you don't need to get rid of the food babe." ashton spoke calmly as he kept a firm grip on my arm.

i continued struggling like my life depended on it.

"let go!" i yelled as i finally got my arm free and ran into the bathroom and locked the door.

i quickly bent in front of the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat.

i felt 20 times better feeling the food leave my system.

but i also didn't want to deal with what i would have to on the other side of the door.