Jadina: A love story

Always starting over

Attention; Trigger Warning.

A month or two has gone by, but whose counting anyways. Life is meaningless to me lately. I stumble through each day aimlessly awaiting the day I can hopefully get my baby back. James and I are doing great as a couple. I'm surprised that we've stayed together for nearly 6 months. He puts up with my anxiety attacks in the middle of the night, my tears which come often, and all the other bullshit that makes being with me so wonderful. I'd like to know why he cares so much about me, a worthless piece of garbage. I deserve to feel helpless and weak. I'm undeserving of love from anyone. The only glimmer of hope that this world isn't as bad as it seems is him and the thought that my son is okay.

"Good morning sunshine," James whispers through a smile.

"Good morning," I yawn pecking him on the lips as I roll out of bed.

"Are you ready for two shows today?" He inquires getting it of bed himself.

I realize that it's Saturday. Fucking great I think to myself. Two show days are one of the many gifts and curses of the theatre they are fun because it distracts me from the problems and I get to be with my cast longer. They are also physically draining which doesn't help when I'm already so drained by unsuccessfully getting over my personal issues.

After a quick breakfast I begin getting ready for the day. I hop in the shower staring at the scars that graced my pale skin. I don't know how James even looks at me without being disgusted sometimes. I allow the hot water to run over my now tear streaked face it's stings by I know I deserve the pain because that's what I caused Walker, pain. because he doesn't get to see or hear from his mother who he needs at his young age. I look at the razor sitting on the counter top. it looks inviting.

I quickly step out of the shower and snatch it. I hold it in my hand. I feel the pain temporarily being released from my body as I run the blade across my thighs and then my stomach. The blood runs down the drain just like my dreams, my dreams of a perfect little family with Taye surrounded by those who love us. I went and fucked everything up for myself and my son.

"Idina honey are you alright in there," James calls,

My heart stops for a second he can't know that I've continued self harming he'd leave me for sure he's all I have left he can't know. "umm yeah..." I meekly reply trying to stop the bleeding.

I step out of the shower and throw a thick loose sweat shirt on along with sweat paints. "Idina what's going on baby please talk to me, I thought you were making progress. I love you too much to see you in such a state of unhappiness,"He says pulling me into a hug.

I notice a little stop of blood forming on my thigh. "James I just can't do this anymore," I say

"Do what?" I questions trying to comfort me.

"Life, I miss my son way too much James I can't go on like this pretending that I'm okay. I'm a mess a big stupid, ugly mess who deserves nothing," I cry out into his shoulder.

"Shhhh Idina it's okay I love you so much I'll never quit telling you that I love you.," he tells me

I listen carefully. I feel horrible with always putting him into positions where he feels obligated to be there for me because I know I don't deserve someone as good as him. "James I cut in the shower again today I was a month clean and I ruined everything," I mumble into his shoulder

"It's okay, it's okay don't worry you'll get better it just takes time that's all, and I'll be here every step of the way," he tells me.

I sit basically on his lap for the next few minutes his arms protectively around me. I feel like a small child but in a good way being in his arms makes the world seem okay just like my fathers always did. I don't know what the future holds for us but all I need is here and now because moments like this where we can just be with each other are taken for granted.

We get to the theatre and begin preparing for a long day of shows. The bags under my eyes are large and noticeable even through a thick layer of foundation and concealer. Part of me is through with caring about it. The other part is way too attached to making sure I look like absolute perfection because I don't want anyone to think that I'm truly not okay.

The show goes on I don't miss a note line or anything. I force my way through the first part of the second act. Then comes I hate you, It's the most emotional part of the show for me and the audience. I always shed a tear or three. I sing the last verse and can't get a single word out because I did allow the world take me away from my son. maybe it wasn't in the way that the song was talking about but I still did let him down big time and it hurts.

The show is over and I'm still wiping away stray tears. I look into the mirror and see once again the mess I've made of myself and my life. It almost makes me regret not working through my problems with Taye rather than running from them. I look just as bad as I had six months ago when Taye was beating me. That's when I realize I'd made the right choice to leave him as much as it hurt it needed to be done.

I feel as if I'm back at square one and I don't like it. I'd made all this progress and lost it all because of me throwing myself a pity party whenever something didn't go my way it was selfish and stupid of me and I know it. Starting over was going to be my first step into hopefully my final recovery period. I make an internal pact with myself. No more pity parties, no more cutting and no more panic attacks. I have to stay strong for my son that my only choice . It's not going to be a walk in the park but with the right guidance from helpful supportive people I'll get there I know I will.

A knock at the door disrupts me from my thoughts. "Come in," I answer

I see James in the door way. "Hey babe how are you," he asks hugging me tightly but not too tightly

"Well considering how hard today was I think I'm okay," I answer with a soft smile and a glimmer of hope in my eye.

"That's my girl," he says kissing my forehead. I melt into his embrace it never fails to feel like the safest most comfortable place in the world.

James P.O.V

As I'm holding Idina in my arms for what seems like the millionth time I'm filled with nothing but love for her. she has been through so much these last few moths and although she's hit her rough patches she never slows down or withdraws. She looks so small I male sure I treat her like she's glass she's easily broken.

I know that she's the woman That I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. She means the world if not more to me. I want her to be more than just my girlfriend I want her to be my wife. I need to plan a perfect proposal she deserves something special that she'll cherish forever. I don't mean a huge larger than life proposal because that would overwhelm her something small and sweet that's the kind of thing she'd want.

Idinas POV
I look into James eyes as we hold onto each other they tell me that he's got something on his mind. I don't really want to know what just yet I want to just have a moment more in his arms where the world seems right for a change.

Authors note: I hold you enjoyed this shortish chapter in sport about having such short chapters for this story I just try to get to the point without rabbit trailing too much but I attempt to add a lot of details so it doesn't get boring or anything. thank you again for all your support with the story it means the world to me. a huge shoutout to Jadina_otp and @idinamenzelfanzel512 for their help with some of the plot for the next few chapters

Till next time, take care I love you all
Megan 💕