The Fall of the Fainthearts

Track Seven: Music Is My Vice

In July 1986, Axel went to a rehabilitation centre for the first time. He was self-admitted.

Axel: Rehab taught me a lot of things. For one, it taught me that I wasn't as indestructible as I liked to think I was. I wasn't this untouchable musician who was destined for a life of sex, drugs and rock and roll. I was actually a lot more fragile than that. It wasn't an easy pill to swallow.

It taught me that I had a lot of work to do on myself and that I didn't really know who 'myself' was. I clearly didn't like that version of me, or I wouldn't have been trying to hide who that was for so long. For the first time in my life, I needed to be okay with being myself. And myself was an addict. And accepting that was the hardest part of all.

Isabelle Faintheart (mother of Axel Faintheart): My boy was a mess. There was no pretty way of looking at it. As I sat in that chair beside his hospital bed, all I could see was a shell of a person. I knew that he had a problem, I knew that he was unhappy... but I lived in this naïve world where I thought everything would work out fine in the end. I had no choice but to believe that or my whole life would come crashing down.

Axel and his father had always butted heads. They've never seen eye to eye and it created a rift in the family. I think his home life had a lot more to do with how he turned out than I'd like to admit. It's not nice being to blame for... sorry. I need a moment.

Axel: After I overdosed, the doctor didn't mince his words. He told me, point blank, that if I didn't stop then I was going to die. He told me that I was lucky to be alive. And although I knew deep down in my heart that he was right, I didn't feel so lucky. I knew what was coming next and I didn't feel strong enough to do it.

It's weird. Drugs started off as an escape from how boring my life was. Then they turned into an escape from being myself. I couldn't cope with any normal emotions without them anymore. I couldn't be nervous, I couldn't be excited, I couldn't be sad. I needed them as a coping mechanism and now that was being ripped away from me and it terrified me. I'd forgotten how to just exist without them.

What was I going to do when I walked into that recording session with Kian Cash on Monday? Was I going to just perform? As me? No uppers? And when I waited to hear back about how our music was doing after they press the record, was I supposed to just live in a constant state of worry? Was I just going to let myself think?

I had to. It was my only option. But I knew that there was no chance I'd get through it by myself. So, from the hospital - once I'd been monitored for a couple days and my blood pressure was back to normal - I checked myself into rehab.

Dahlia: Life without Axel for a while was tougher than I thought it was going to be. Whether you loved him or you hated him, he lit up a room. And suddenly every room in the house was dark.

Bentley: It took us all a very long time to cope with what we'd all dealt with that night. To tell the truth I don't think I'll ever fully be over it. To be that close to losing someone and you can't even think straight. You're desperate to do something but you just can't, like trying to run in water and no matter how hard you push your feet you're still going too slow and the tides catching up with you. You start to accept the inevitable and that shit messes with your head.

Vince: I must've spent at least four days just staring at the walls waiting to hear whether he was okay. I tried to make myself useful, cooked Dahlia and Bentley dinner and made sure we were taking care of ourselves but inside I wanted to just sit and rot.

Eventually, we got a phone call. He was doing okay, but he needed to stay longer than he thought. We had to go to Kian and tell him that we needed to postpone the record longer.

Kian Cash: Obviously we were working to a deadline and having their frontman in rehab wasn't the most ideal scenario but I'm not totally heartless like some people think. The second he could, he called me and apologised. He said, "I'm sorry for being an asshole. I'll make it up to you, I promise." Still gets me, every time.

Bentley: There was so many conflicting emotions all at once. You're thinking, what if he can never come back, you know? What if that lifestyle was too much for him and he needed to call it quits? Would we carry on without him, or would that be the end of it for us too? Was London Revival really just The Axel Faintheart Experience?

And then you'd kick yourself for even thinking about it. He was going to come back, and you were all going to make the sweetest music you could ever dream of. And if he didn't, that'd be okay too. Because at least he would be alright.

Axel: I knew that coming back was going to be hard but I didn't realise just how hard that would be. I'd spent two months away from all temptation and suddenly I could get it all back with the click of a finger.

They told me that no matter how far along in my recovery I was, I'd always feel the same. It could be weeks, months, years, and that little nagging feeling telling me that it'd be okay to just do it once would always be there. They were right. Even twenty-five years later, I can tell you, they're still right.

Isabelle Faintheart: He didn't come home first. That's the part that really tore me apart. He went straight back to his band mates. And... although it hurt me, I was happy for him. Because I knew that they wasn't just band mates to him. They were family, too.

Dahlia: I'm not very emotionally available. I'm not a hugger. But when Axel rang that doorbell and I saw him standing there in that awful grey tracksuit I think I nearly squeezed him to death.

Bentley: He looked terrible. His face looked sunken, his hair was a mess and he was wearing this old baseball cap from his college years that didn't quite fit his head anymore. But he smiled. A genuine smile.

Vince: Axel was different. He was always going to be. But from the second I knew that he was going to be okay, I told myself that I'd always be there for him - because I wasn't the night he needed me the most.

Axel: It's silly, but... all I could think about was the music. The thought of getting in that studio and recording something I was proud of was the only thing that got me through. It was my light at the end of the tunnel and it made everything worthwhile.

I knew that I needed a vice and it was going to be music. I was going to pour everything I had into it until I had nothing else left to give. Kian Cash was going to be glad he waited on us, because I was about to knock him into next week.