The Fall of the Fainthearts

Track Twenty: I'm Not Here Just To Please You, But It'd Be Nice

Axel: Figgy agreed to go to rehab and I felt like I'd finally done something to make a difference in my life. Yes, the music done well, but I finally felt lighter. That heavy feeling weighing on my chest got a little bit lighter.

Did I blame myself for how Figgy turned out? Well, I think the story everyone runs with is that she was the one who was bad for me. That she was the raging addict who manipulated me into being one with her. But I don't think that really paints a full picture of how I felt about it, no.

We were just as bad as each other. Every moment we spent together we were just breathing in each other's toxic fumes and killing ourselves a little faster. I was just as much to blame for her destroying herself as she was for destroying me.

Maybe that's what I held onto for so long. That's why I couldn't let her go. I knew that I'd wrecked her. She was still suffering, and maybe it was my fault. People can tell you that it isn't for your whole life; it doesn't change how you feel inside.

Figgy: Axel was so pleased with me for agreeing to go to rehab that it felt like the right thing to do, until I was there. It was the right thing to do for him, not for me. I felt claustrophobic and that was before the withdrawal hit.

I popped a few pills before I went in to give me a head start - I had no idea what I was in for. When they started to wear off, I was alone. First came the sweats. Then the nausea. My world was spinning. I was exhausted and desperate. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.

They found the pills I'd hidden under my boots, in my belt holes, under my tongue, in my ponytail. Axel found the ones under my collar. I had nothing left and time was running out; I felt like I was going to die.

They told me that was normal. Normal? How could feeling like that ever be normal? I felt like I needed to be in the hospital, they needed to give me something to subside it. Painkillers, maybe. That might do something at least.

No matter how much I pleaded, they just kept telling me that it'd go away and how strong I was. How I'd come so far to put myself here, and that I could do it. I knew exactly what I needed in that moment, and words of encouragement was not it. Far from it.

They can't keep you there if you don't want to be. I was miserable. So I left.

Axel: I felt like I'd righted at least some of the wrongs in my life. With Figgy at rehab, I knew she would get the care that she needed and I could focus on other things. My family, Florence, my music, our next tour. We were going to America next - it was a big deal.

Figgy: I wasn't stupid. I had it all planned out in my head. I'd stay away from Axel for even longer than the date I was supposed to be getting out; if he thought I'd needed further help it'd be more believable. Then, with his trust back, I'd be able to come back into his life. As a positive force this time, not a negative one.

I wanted to be able to get sober for him. I wanted to be able to make him happy. That's all I've ever wanted. But it just wasn't possible - he didn't understand. There was no way that he'd felt like that when he was in rehab. There was no way that anyone could battle through that. It was impossible.

The next best thing I could do was lie about it and pretend I was perfect. There was also the option of walking out of Axel's life forever, so I couldn't disappoint him anymore. But that just didn't feel possible either, how could I?

I wanted my life back to exactly how I knew it. I wanted him, the old him. I was going to do anything to get us back to how it used to be.

. . .

Vince: Our final show before the American tour was one that I don't think we'll ever forget.

Axel: I was on cloud nine. Everything just seemed like it was finally falling into place. I had my family back, I was married to Flo, our tour tickets were selling out - Figgy was getting the help she needed. I didn't have a single thing to frown about.

And although it was never going to be easy, I finally felt like I had a grip on my addiction. I knew that I could be around the drugs and say no. I was strong enough to do that, now. Not only did I have far too much to lose, but I didn't want that for myself.

Every part of me was still going to run cold when I had to make the decision. I was still going to long for it and tell myself 'just a little bit won't hurt'. But I knew myself and how hard I had to fight to get to where I was; nothing would break that.

Bentley: We sold out the Empire fucking Stadium. Do people know how crazy that is? That early on in our career?

Dahlia: I was so nervous I must've downed about three shots before I even felt something. We'd played shows before, but something about this felt special. Like we'd never get this moment back again.

Vince: That was the night I was going to kiss Dahlia onstage. I was tired of hiding. The paparazzi sucked but seeing Axel so proudly out and about with Florence made me jealous in a way I didn't like.

Bentley: Just before we were about to go on stage - the backing music was building and we could hear the crowd screaming our names - Axel huddled us all together.

Dahlia: He told us tonight was the night of our whole careers. It's all been leading up to this moment.

Vince: We needed to perform the best we ever had.

Bentley: Like it was the last night of our lives.

Axel: I'd peaked. I knew I had. Nothing was ever going to get any better than this. It was a matter of time before this became normal, and it didn't mean as much to us anymore. But tonight, we sold out the Empire Stadium and we were about to go on our first American tour. That was huge. Not to mention, the album was about to officially drop the day before we went away.

We were never going to get this moment back again. It was bittersweet. But we got the privilege to live it - so we had to give it everything we had.

Kian Cash: Their stage presence was nothing short of fantastic. That night went in the history books as London Revival's best ever concert. It's just as well that it did, isn't it?

Dahlia: I'll never forget when the lights went up after our final song, and Vince crossed the stage to me. I had no idea what to expect, and then he just grabbed me and kissed me. The crowd screamed, Bentley screamed, Axel screamed.

That was the happiest I'd ever been. I shouldn't say that, actually. But it felt like it.

Axel: Just as we finished the encore and we were about to leave, I knew that there was something I needed to do. I was running on pure adrenaline and it was like I'd popped a pill that gave me all the happiness in the world, I couldn't stop myself.

Bentley: We didn't know what to expect, we didn't have any songs left. So when Axel grabbed the mic and told the crowd he had a very special announcement, we were all dumbfounded.

Dahlia: Nobody had any idea what he was about to say next.

Axel: I quietened the crowd, held the mic with both hands. I took a long pause and thought about what I was doing. Was I ready to let the world know?

Vince: And he said...

Dahlia: Him and Florence...

Bentley: Were having a baby.