The Fall of the Fainthearts

Chapter Twenty-Three: One Day You'll Break

Axel: I found Figgy outside sitting on the front steps with Jade. She sat all hunched over, Jade's arm around her shoulders in comfort. It pissed me off that she was still being treated as the victim after all this time, to be honest.

How many times could she do this before people took my side? Why was it always me who had to help her, give her the benefit of the doubt, let her manipulate me? When would she be the one letting me off the hook for a change? Because right now she was angry at me for starting a family with Flo, and I was seething inside.

Figgy: I wasn't surprised when Axel asked Jade if we could have some space. If anything, I was relieved that my gut instinct was right - he was just as in love with me as I was him. Why else would he go to such lengths to put up with my episodes for this long? He couldn't stay away from me.

No matter how hard he fought, it would always be us. There wasn't a world in which we could forget about each other. We had too much history and there was too much love between us. It was natural, and he couldn't switch it off no matter how hard he tried. I knew that.

Axel: I sat down beside her and thought really hard about what I needed to say. It needed to be deliberate, honest, and quick. I needed to give her the harsh truth and deal with the consequences. If I gave her any kind of idea that I wasn't being assertive, she'd take it as I was holding myself back.

I started off with, "You know that things between us are over."

Figgy: He tried to start off strong, he really did. I admired his dedication to being loyal to Florence, he would resist temptation forever if I didn't ever make the first move. He would forfeit his happiness for hers, and that made me love him even more.

I told him, "I know, but that isn't how it has to be."

Axel: My blood was boiling but I knew that lashing out would be the worst thing I could do. She was delusional, and she wasn't sober. She had this look in her eye like she wasn't really here. This was all just some dream to her. She would barely remember it.

Angry isn't the right word. Infuriated, maybe. I'd put myself through hell trying to be there for her. I spent nights lying awake wondering whether I was doing the right thing, whether I was strong enough to do it. And here she was sitting in front of me, high as a kite and on a war path of destruction through my life.

I doubled down. "That's how I want it to be." I said. She didn't like that.

Figgy: He was taking the denial too far and I was starting to get irate. Nobody was here, nobody could hear us. It was just us - like it always has been, like it was always meant to be. Yet he was still barking on about not feeling the same way and I knew he was lying.

Have you ever tried to pry the truth out of a liar? It is the most frustrating, brain-numbing thing you'll ever try to do. No matter what card you play, they will always fire back with defence. You have to say something that really makes them break. Then you see what they really feel, because they can't help it any longer.

I tried a different angle. I said to him, "One day you'll break. You'll shoot up and you'll fucking love it. And then you'll realise you've been running away from who you really are. You can't run forever."

Axel: I've never laid a hand on a woman in my life. That day was the closest I've ever been.

Figgy: It worked. The real Axel came bubbling to the surface. I knew he was still in there somewhere. I saw the change flicker in his eyes. He'd been brainwashed, but I knew that I could bring him back.

Axel: I had to physically restrain myself. I got up and started to pace - it was the only thing I could do with my energy that wouldn't end up in something I'd regret. I couldn't get any more words out for the longest time. I've never felt so angry in my life.

Figgy: I knew I'd cracked him. We were playing chess and I could feel myself edging closer to checkmate. He'd come around soon enough. It was now a waiting game.

Axel: When I finally mustered up the trust to let myself speak, I turned to her. I looked her dead in the eyes. I couldn't let this go on any longer.

Figgy: He stared into my soul. Then he crushed it with his bare hands.

Axel: I told her, "You're fucking poison. You've ruined your own life and you won't be happy until you've ruined mine."

Figgy: "Get the fuck out of my face and never come back. My baby will never know your name. Don't you think for one moment that you're that important. You mean nothing to me and you never have."

Yeah. I'll never, ever forget it. It'll replay over and over in my dreams for as long as I live. Nobody has ever been that vicious to me before in my entire life.

Axel: I told her the truth that night, in the only way it'd ever get through to her. Do you think it made me feel good about myself? Because it didn't. Don't for one second think I got any enjoyment out of that, because it destroyed me inside.

Figgy: I'd been gaslit for years. I'd been led on, toyed with, emotionally manipulated. He made me believe that he was everything and I was nothing without him. He always made me feel as though I had something to chase, to fight for. It'd all been a sick game to him all along.

He kept coming back, pretended to care. He said he wanted to help me. If he hated me so much then why did he want to help me? Why did he keep coming back? If he never wanted to see me again, why try to rehabilitate me? To satisfy his own conscience?

I took one last look at him because I knew it was the last time I'd ever see him. Not to savour the moment, but to really let it sink in that he was a fucking pig. I needed to feel it. I needed to really feel it deep inside so I could leave him behind forever and never feel like I wanted to return.

Then that's exactly what I did. With every ounce of courage I could physically conjure up and the image of his vile screwed up face sat firm in the front of my mind, I picked myself up and left him behind in the dust.

That's the end of things between us, really. That's how it ended.

Axel: No, she didn't leave after that. I know she didn't.