Only Tolerable//Tokio Hotel •Tom Kaulitz•

Suffering Silently

When we entered the store, I grabbed a cart and just followed Bill. He'd pick stuff up and ask what I thought of it. My mind was wondering. I wasn't interested in this, and besides, I thought there was no theme.

"Bill, there is no theme, just get a few things of red cups, chips, and call it good." I told him. "Are you okay?" Gustav asked me. I sighed and shrugged. "Alice wants, sorry, doesn't want a birthday party, let alone a birthday this year. But c'mon that sounds fucking ridiculous." Tom said from behind Georg.

Why did he even have to come with? He could of stayed home or went to one of his many lady friend's houses. Truthfully, I wanted to punch him. I'm not a very violent person but christ Tom got on my nerves, I don't even know if the guys have seen me that angry, not even when we were in Germany.

I couldn't, fucking couldn't take his shit anymore. I stopped pushing the cart abruptly and turned around. Before I knew it. My feet were walking towards Tom.

"Please, for once in your fucking life, Tom, shut up. Alright. It's my birthday, I can celebrate how I want. I'm not interested in your opinion about everything I fucking say or do! And I know we hate each other, but christ, it seems like your goal is to bitch and moan about shit that, realistically, doesn't even concern you or have an overall effect on you! So please, stop, alright just-just stop." I said as I stopped yelling.

I was yelling a lot, and fast, so he couldn't say anything. He didn't say anything after either. I rolled my eyes and looked at Georg, Gustav, and Bill. The didn't say anything either. I rolled my eyes again and turned to find cups. I found them and grabbed a few bags of them. I held them up towards the guys. "Looks like a party to me." I said sarcastically as I stopped holding them up.

I walked to the cashier and payed for them. "I think that's enough shopping for today." I heard Bill tell Georg and Gustav. We got into the car and it was silent. We took Gustav and Georg home. That's when the silence was broken. "Bye Alice." Georg told me. I nodded and smiled.

"See you sometime." I said. He nodded. Then we dropped Gustav off. "Bye Gustav." I said. He nodded. "See you Alice." He said. Then he was gone. "What the fuck is your problem." Tom finally said. I shook my head. I didn't want to fucking fight. "You, your my fucking problem, Tom." I said.

"I haven't done anything." He said. I was getting pissed. "Oh please, all your ever doing is something to bother me." I said. "Oh yeah, like what?" He challenged. "Let's see, you dragged me out of bed the other morning and threw me into the fucking pool! You Fucking made a big deal about me not wanting a birthday this year, then you fucking didn't know when my birthday was! Then you argued with me about why we hate each other! And then your nice and then today your a complete fucking jerk!" I yelled at him.

I felt bad for Bill, he was just trying to drive. "So maybe, Tom, I should be asking you what your problem is." I told him. "You're my problem!" He said. Of course, I knew that. Everyone knew that I was Tom's problem and that he was mine.

"At least I don't bitch and whine about everything like you do." He said. I rolled my eyes. That's basically what I just told him he does. "Like what?" I questioned. "All you ever whine about is Logan, your birthday, your shitty life, and how much you fucking hate me. That's basically everything." He said.

"Are you kidding me? I have my reasons!" I yelled at him as Bill pulled into the driveway. I got out and slammed the door. After Bill unlocked the house, I went inside. "This isn't done. Alice!" Tom yelled. I let out a frustrated sigh. "What!" I asked.

"What are the reasons? If you have reasons why you make my life so much more miserable, please fucking enlighten me." He said. I nodded. This was the day, that I breakdown, tell Bill and Tom all the shitty things I've been through.

"FINE!" I yelled. Tom didn't say anything, instead he stood there waiting. I looked to the right of him were Bill stood. This fight was worse than the one from yesterday.

"I met you two in middle school. I had to leave everything 9 year old me knew! And we all know that we were bullied in school too, alright!" I started.

"Bill and I got through that." Tom said. I shook my head and laughed with no humor. "That's not all. When you guys and the band started going placing, I was alone in a place with no friends! I was suffering!" I said.

"If you were suffering, you would have told me." Bill said. I shook my head. "I was suffering in silence! I did-I didn't want to burden you with my problems cause you were finally doing what you loved." I said.

"Alice..." Bill said, obviously feeling bad. I shook my head. "Tom wants to know the rest of it, I'm not done. When you guys started touring and stuff, I think we were in year 9 or something. As soon as you you left I became a target to anyone who hated me or you two or Gustav and Georg." I started.

"It was my personal hell!" I said. "I wanted to fit in...or I tried to. It didn't get me very far. These two guys who liked to pick on us figured out you guys weren't coming back anytime soon...they-I can't...uhm, they...tried. Look You get the point!" I said as I looked at the floor.

"I'm so sorry." Bill said. I nodded. "I know." I said as I looked up at him. "Now onto why I don't want to celebrate my birthday. After that, before I was supposed to enter year 10, I dropped out, and it pissed my parents off." I said.

"That's the same time I came back to the states to live with you two idiots. That's why they aren't talking to me. They don't call me on holidays, birthdays, or anything." I said. "Oh, and Logan?" He cheated on me, so yeah, I do have a pretty shitty life Tom!" I said, looking up at him.

His eyes were wide, full of hurt, anger, sadness. I couldn't read him. There was no telling what the fuck he would say or do. I blinked and tears fell to my cheeks. I shook my head and ran up the stairs to my room and slammed my door behind me.

As soon as my door closed, I burst into tears. I haven't told someone the full story in a long time. Minus the agreement shit with Tom. It was a lot. I slowly sat down in front of my door and brought my knees to my chest, wrapped my arms around them, and let silent tears fall from my eyes and into them.

Now I'm back to suffering in silence.