Only Tolerable//Tokio Hotel •Tom Kaulitz•

Why Must I Feel This Way?

I was still in my room having my anxiety attack. It was a bad one. I tried to slow my breathing and think, think enough to get to Bill. My breathing calmed, but the attack twas anything but over. I slowly got up from my desk chair and began to search for Bill.

I couldn't find him. Fuck. I went back up stairs and to Tom's room, I didn't bother knocking. "You could've fucking knocked." Tom said. I didn't roll my eyes or make a come back, I couldn't right now. I looked around frantically, glancing at Tom. He could tell something was wrong. "W-where's Bill? I can't find him anywhere." I said, my breathing starting to pickup again. "I don't fucking know." Tom said.

I breathed in a shaky breath. "I-I need Bill. I'm having an-another a-" I said between my breathing, until Tom cut me off. "Anxiety attack." He said, finishing my sentence. I nodded. Tom got up and walked over to me, he put his hands on the side of my arms and lead me to his desk chair and he helped me sit down.

He did what he did the other day when I was having an attack. He got close to my face and put both his hands on either side of my face. Except this time he told me to look at him. I looked at him and he looked concerned. "Breathe, your fine. Everything's fine." He said softly.

My breathing slowed and my anxiety attack was at its end. Now we were just sitting there, our faces close as hell and his hands on either side of my face, staring at each other. I was confused as hell. "Why must I feel this way?" I asked him.

He shrugged, "You just think more seriously about things." He said. He thought I was referring to my anxiety, that wasn't the case. I was referring to him. Neither one of us moved. "That's, that's not what I meant." I told him. I watched his eyes turn from concerned to confused.

"How do you mean?" He asked. I didn't say anything. I absentmindedly glanced down at his lip ring and then back up to his eyes. "I-" I stopped myself. I didn't want to say it and I didn't want to tell him. That would make my feelings real.

What I did next though, made me want to punch myself. I smiled at him and put my hands on his shoulders. Before I could stop myself, I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for helping me with my anxiety attack. I appreciate it, Tom." I said as I lightly pushed Tom away and I stood up.

He never broke eye contact with me. I turned around and started walking to find Bill, when I felt him grab my hand and turn me around. "Alice wait." He said. I shook my head. "I can't Tom. It was a just thank you for helping with my anxiety. And...I'm sorry about the way I acted earlier. I accept your apology." I said.

He dropped my hand and I continued down the hallway and down the stairs to find Bill. I honestly shouldn't of done that, now things are going to be weirder than before. When I reached the end of the stairs, I called his name.  There was no answer.

I decided to see if he was outside, sure enough, he was there. "I have been looking everywhere for you." I told him as I took the seat next to his. "What can I do for you, Alice?" He asked. I looked at him. I debated on telling him everything, but I decided not to, it would end up making both Tom and I look shitty.

"I like someone." I said. Bill turned his head towards me, interested. "Who?" He asked. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. I truthfully didn't want him to know. But before I could leave out all the details, my brain short circuited and a random name fell from my mouth. "Gustav." I blurted out.

That wasn't even close. Gustav and Georg were my friends, and that's all I saw them as, but of course, my stupid Tom-filled, hate train of a brain made me say the first name that came to mind. I wanted to mentally punch myself again.

Bill gasped. "Alice! Why didn't you say anything sooner?" Bill questioned. Time to lie. Seems like that's all I've been doing to Bill lately and I hated it. "Do not tell him, alright. It's just a stupid crush and I need sometime to myself after the whole Logan shit." I said.

I don't know why, but I felt like I needed to cry. "Don't worry Alice, your secret is safe with me." He said. I nodded absentmindedly. It wasn't even a true secret. "Hey Bill?" I said, my voice wavering and beginning to break.

He looked at me concerned. "Alice, what's wrong?" He asked as he grabbed my hand. I sniffled. "I like him and I hate it. I hate that I like him. Why the fuck, why must I feel this way?" I wasn't even talking about Gustav. Tears now flowing. The tears were useless, all they did was make me feel even more shitty.

"I'm sorry Alice." Bill said, giving me a hug. I felt helpless. How the fuck, how the absolute fuck did this happen. "Warum muss ich mich so fühlen?" I sobbed. I hated this.

After a good 15-20 minutes of me crying and Bill comforting me, I thanked him. He told me he was happy to help. I still felt like shit and that was changing, I literally lived with Tom and everything I just told Bill, was about Tom, not Gustav.

I got up and told Bill he and I would hang out later and I walked back inside. I sighed and put my palms to my eyes and held them there, shaking my head. I probably looked stupid. I had my hands glued to my eyes basically just standing in the middle of the foyer by the door.

I was not okay. As I stood there, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I moved my hands and saw Tom. I rolled my eyes. Why must I feel like this.

(A/N: once again sorry if the German isn't correct, I'm still learning. I hope your enjoying the story, and I promise for the love of god I will not be turning this into the Eddie Munson fiasco, it's weird. Nothing weird here. I feel like people forget that Bill, Tom, Gustav, and Georg our actual people. And writing stuff like other people have been writing is very weird and not okay, so I will not be doing that. So happy reading :)