Differences

Chapter 28 - Alaina

New Chapter!!!

Just for some clarification, I have uploaded two chapters of my new story 'What we find after Time' but I will continue to write that story along with this one. Don't worry, I will keep writing this story 'Differences'. 😉☺️

If you could spare me a few mins to read my new story, it would be much appreciated. 🫶🏻🧚🏻‍♂️

Just a little heads up, this chapter is a little bit heavy (esp from Alaina's pov), please reading the warning (trigger/content warning), and as always, please read what you find most comfortable for yourself.

Warning: this chapter mentions themes of eating disorders, abuse, neglect, suicide and rape. Although it may not be specifically written, it is indicated here so please read what you find comfortable and avoid parts that you don't. Please please please take care of yourself.

That aside, I hope you enjoy reading this chapter. 🐥🐶

Love you all lots!!!!💗💓💗

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Unable to sleep, disgust enveloped me, crashing in waves. I couldn't deal with it anymore.

Peeling myself from the covers, I drag myself to my ensuite, not bothering to turn on the lights, feeling my way through until I reach over to the toilet seat and dispose of the little contents I had left in my stomach. My body heaving in distress.

The acidic aftertaste burned my tongue, corroding my teeth and the pungent smell made me breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. I know I shouldn't be doing this. I know I should try and keep it in. I know it was affecting my body after years of abusing it, in this way.

For goodness' sake, I had a mission that I must go on tomorrow, I need the food stay to provide me with the energy.

You know you've done it before. You'll survive. You'll look better anyways.

My feelings deciding to invade my thought process.

Mixtures of nausea, loathing and euphoria begin to play around me. Like a chaotic playlist. One song being the annoying erratic kind, then the next being depressing song you can never love but can't bring yourself to stop playing and then to top it all off, an R & B that calms the waves.

I continue to sit there, one arm on the toilet seat, the other arm resting on my thigh, staring into nothing in particular, the darkness providing an odd feel of comfort. But a stinging sensation began to burn my eyes.

I hated that I resorted to this motion. I hated that I felt comfort in doing this. I hated that I couldn't stop myself from doing it in the first place. I hated myself. I hate myself.

God knows I tried. To stop it. To stop all of this.

But nothing ever worked.

This was an addiction of my own.

After what felt like my little version of forever, I force myself to get up and turn on the ensuite lights. I was the one who turned it on, but I was still surprised how bright it was, momentarily blinding me. Squinting, I dispose of all my clothes and step into the shower, embracing the warmth as I calm myself.

By the time I finished my own self-talk in the shower, or rather in my head, to get myself together and stop being a messed-up idiot that I clearly was, I get out of the shower, dutifully ignoring the mirror and wrapped myself in the whitest, fluffiest, bath towels that were provided to me daily. If there was one materialistic thing I would steal from this mansion, it would be these towels. How Leila manages to always make it so fluffy and eye blindingly white was beyond me. Not to mention, they smelt fantastic. They smelt like florals. My guess was peonies but I wasn't sure.