impermissible (Charles Leclerc)

f o r t y f o u r

Italian Grand Prix: September 3rd

"Absolutely incredible performance out there today Evelyn, P2 is a fantastic result. Do you like that everybody knows your identity now or would you prefer we still thought you were a mystery girl?" An interviewer asked as I got off of the podium.

I laughed and smiled brightly "I mean the circumstances of everyone finding out weren't the best, but it's nice to not have my helmet on so much and I feel much more honest."

"The world was absolutely shocked to see a model racing against all these guys who have been doing this for years, but your dad being head of Mercedes does that mean you've raced a lot?" She continued.

Yeah today was the day where I answered and cleared up so many questions, they were all the expected ones of course:

"How is your dad taking the team rivalry in his own home?"

"What did your dad think? Did he know you were racing at all?"

"Since when did you race?"

"How is it to race alongside your boyfriend and fight with him for a championship?"

All of the above I'd been asked at least forty times, it was getting tiring as I walked back over to the paddock where Fred waited for the race debrief in the meeting room.

As I entered the room and sat down in the chair besides Charles I sighed, "Evelyn we have water and pineapple prepped for you, we know how important it is for you to be getting sugar at the moment we've been talking with the doctors."

"Oh okay." I nodded taking a bite of the pineapple as Fred began to speak, Charles and I were both passed headphones as we had to watch the snippets of the race back and review what went well and what didn't.

"You guys are fighting a lot more now and the competitiveness is great but it's making petty mistakes on Charles' behalf." Fred commented as we watched the screen, his car ramming into the back of mine.

"My bad my love." He muttered to me, loud enough for the engineers to hear but not Fred as he placed his hand on my knee to which I abruptly removed, the audacity of this man???

For the entire day, when we're alone we do not utter anything to one another we don't speak at all. As soon as the cameras are on or an engineer, mechanic strategist walks he's holding me in some way or kissing me on the cheek.

It's a joke, I'm not some fucking publicity doll.

Matthew was the only one in the team somewhat aware that Charles and I were not 'okay', especially not since I had now bought my own house and was living happily and comfortably without him.

Well let's cross out happily, he is my happiness.

We went through the strategy's and the plans for the next race as I was being kept hydrated constantly, the team very serious about my health since my dad had threatened Ferrari harshly when it comes to my safety.

As soon as the meeting was over I headed straight to my drivers room, Charles following behind me as I opened the door and entered and he came into mine also, "What are you doing?" I asked him as he stood in my room.

"Evelyn, can we talk?"

I laughed, "Now you want to talk? After months now you finally want to talk? I think it's a bit past that point now Charles, don't worry you don't owe me anything now you can go on your merry way."

"I need to speak to you Evs."

I shrugged "Well I needed to speak to you numerous amounts of times and each time I was denied, awful selfish of you actually."

"Evs... I'm.. it's like torture." His voice was strained hardly even a whisper. "I think I'm losing it- I don't know what's happening, what's happened, but I look at you, and I love you so much much. Not because of anything you've said, or done, or anything at all. I look at you, and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you. Please...you have to tell me.. tell me I'm not crazy. Please just look at me."

"What are you even trying to say Charles?" I asked him standing closer to him, our bodies within inches of each other as I looked up.

He held his head in his hands "Fred told me that you had a lot going on, with modelling and racing and now with an apparent law suit and injury I thought you'd benefit If I stepped back, I don't want you stressed and Fred thought the crash was down to stress."

I laughed a little "And maybe I would've benefited from a break from the relationship, but my stress was worse wondering why you'd left me?"

"That wasn't my intention Ev I was doing what I thought was best for you, I swear." He sighed, "Even if it wasn't the best for me."

"I know it wasn't your intention.. but when you never came to the hospital I don't know. A lot ran through my mind."

"You were dead.. dead in my arms and I.." he rubbed a hand across his face, shaking his head.

"I heard you call my name," I whispered "I heard you talking to me, telling me to fight."

"First damned time you ever listened."

I smiled but sadness welled in my chest "Don't get used to it."

Tears began to pool "I loved you," I murmured my voice cracking "I really loved you."

"I'm not fucking leaving you." He cupped my face and before I asked, he says it "I'm not fucking leaving you, you're stuck with me."

I held his hands in mine "Charles...you can't just leave me and then love me, I mean you left me at my most vulnerable and you might do that again, I can't risk it."

"I'll love you until my heart gives out Evs, I'll be your man for a thousand years and longer if I'm allowed." With a miserable sound he kissed the tears off my cheeks "I messed up so bad Evs, I thought I was doing what was best for you in that moment of time." He drew back and waited for me to look up at him.

He started "If you have me back... I won't let us fail, just let me love you forever."

I questioned him "Forever?," I laughed letting out a dry chuckle "Last time forever lasted a day, and it hurts me to say it, because I really love you but you left me and it hurt, still does. All the training sessions where you didn't say anything... when I went to the apartment and there was no note, no nothing? I can't pretend it didn't happen because it did, and that fucking sucks."

"I'm sorry Ev, really I am I just want you back now- I love you

"Why do you keep saying that you love me. You left me, remember?" I looked at the ground.

He shook his head "I didn't leave you because I didn't love you though Evs that's the thing, I left because you would have been better off without me."

I sighed "Why would I be better off without you? You were the best thing that's ever happened to me and you left, and now I'm sadly used to it. So maybe you're right maybe I am still, better off without you."

I let out a shaky breathe "You have no idea," I said then pausing "You have no idea how hard it is to see the face of someone you once loved every single day."

I paused again wiping my tears "But you know what's even harder?"

I waited a moment, wanting this to hurt him as much as it hurt me, "Seeing a stranger where you once had a home."