I'm tired

Part 5

"Why- is it my job to cure Alzheimer's. I mean- I'll probably die from it. I'll spend my whole life, trying to cure it and in the end I will die from it without having had a life. Because I can't cure it- but I have to." She mumbled after having calmed down a little again. "And what if I could have cured it on time, if only I had started earlier. What if I would already be cured if I wouldn't have ruined Derek's trial. He was just trying to help me and I- ruined everything." She added. He could feel her little heart beating as fast as it could to make sure she wouldn't pass out. "Nick, I think I want to do the test again. I read that sometimes the markers vanish or- disappear. And my mother had already started showing symptoms as she had been my age. And I don't show any symptoms yet. What if- the markers got less- I read that- sometimes that happens- to about 4% of all people. What if the chance that I'll get Alzheimer's has shrunken and- what if I have more time without even knowing it?"

"If you want to do the test again I'll support that. But 4% sounds like- nothing Mer. You shouldn't get your hopes up." He didn't want her to be disappointed because in the end the chances that she'll get Alzheimer's would still be pretty high. But he understood that it scared her, that she was completely overwhelmed. So, if she needed to do this test again to get clarification, then he'd be there for her.

"I still want to do it." She said, slowly getting up with Nick's help. "Right now?" he asked, receiving a nod. "And- do you want me to stay?" he asked, looking down. "Nick- we still have to talk about- everything that happened but- it would be really amazing if- just for a little while we could act as if everything was fine and- we were friends." She said, making him look up. "Okay, sounds good." He replied. He wanted to be there for her.

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Half an hour later some of Meredith's blood was now in a little sample, on its way to the lab. "Okay. I guess- until I have the results I can take a break. And as soon as I know what's going on- I'll decide what I'll do." She said, looking at him from the side as he was sitting next to her on the chair. "That sounds good." He replied, smiling at her reassuringly. "And if I still have all the markers- then- I'll have to keep going." She said shakily, lowering her gaze onto the floor. "For my kids, for myself and for everyone else. Because- I've already went through that with my mom and- I really hope that my kids will never have to go through that with me." She said with a small voice.

"They won't. Because- you are totally different than your mother and even if you would get Alzheimer's you'd still be totally different." Nick said, trying to calm her down. "Oh my god. I- right now I am- exactly like my mother. I am working non-stop and- " she said, starting to tremble. "Meredith. That is not true. You are nothing like your mother. And you would never priories your work over them, unlike your mother. You make them dinner and breakfast; you make sure that they are always taken care of and happy. You are nothing like your mother and that won't change, ever."

Pulling her knees up to her chest Meredith rubbed her eyes again before burring her head into her arms. "Please tell me what I should do now." She whispered after a few seconds of silence. "Do you want to work me through your research?" he asked her, knowing how much she loved talking about her work. And although her work was what he was trying to get her away from, he needed her to stay calm throughout the next six hours, since it would take that long until the results would be here. And talking about her work would hopefully distract her a little.

"Yeah, I'd like that." She said, looking up at him with a tired smile. "Okay, come on." He said, getting up and sticking out his hand for her to take it.

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"Okay, you know- what you're saying makes actually sense Mer. I'm really impressed." He said, after she had just presented her whole research to him. It had taken her four entire hours, since she had explained every single detail to him and while doing so, she had been calm and grounded, almost relaxed. "So, you think I might be onto something?" she asked, sitting back down in her desk chair. "Yes, I think you are." He gave back, smiling slightly. He couldn't deny that he was baffled. This was- huge. Meredith had been able to accomplish something amazing but still- she couldn't talk about it yet. Because everyone would think that she was completely crazy. And also, her research had now that it was going into a completely new direction only started.

Suddenly her phone vibrated and as she looked at hit he could see her face getting pale. "The results are- they're done. Dr. Thomas just texted me- he is the head of the genetics lab and- he said he wants me to come to his office. That can only mean something bad right?"

"Do you want to find out?" he asked, walking over to her, and taking her hand. "Well, the worst thing that he can say is that the chances that I'll get Alzheimer's are still the same right? That would be the worst case." She said, taking his hand and getting up. "Yes, that's the worst case, nothing worse can happen. And if that's the case, then it'll be okay as well alright? Because I'll be here for you." Nick reassured her, hugging her, just holding her, breathing in her wonderful scent.

"Okay then. Do you think you could come with me?" she asked, looking up at him, flinching as she realizes how close their faces where but remaining in the position. "Of course." He said, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. Right now, it didn't matter that they weren't together and that they had fought so much. It didn't matter at all. And Meredith enjoyed that little moment, feeling his lips on her skin. It was reassuring, calming.

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"Alright so- I have one good and two bad news." Dr. Thomas started, leaning back in his desk chair, looking at Meredith and Nick whom were sitting at the opposite side of the desk. Meredith looked at Nick a little confused, seeing that he seemed to be a little puzzled as well.

"I'll just start in chronological order. So, I tested your DNA for the gene marker of the Alzheimer's gene and compared the results to the test results in your medical file from ten years ago. And I am sorry to tell you this, the amount of gene markers is still the same so the chance that you will get Alzheimer's is still at about 60%." Dr. Thomas explained, earning a sad nod from Meredith. Nick had been right she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up. He looked at her from the side with an apologetic expression on his face. "Its okay." Meredith whispered, looking down. "But I also made sure to test for a certain kind of protein in your blood that would give away whether you are already sick and I didn't find any of those. So, if you get Alzheimer's, which is not sure yet, it will probably take another 10 to 20 years until you will start to show symptoms." He added, smiling at Meredith reassuringly. "Okay, that's not too bad. 10 more good years is good. Its really good," Meredith said, taking a deep breath to calm herself down, hiding her shaking hands by sitting on them.

"I also red your mother's medical file and compared the blood test results and it seems to me that your mother already started to show symptoms as she was your age, is that correct?" Dr. Thomas asked, looking at Meredith who nodded. "And that you aren't showing any symptoms yet is a very good sign. You might not even get Alzheimer's." He continued, still smiling slightly. "Okay, thank you. I guess that's- helpful." Meredith said, looking at Nick, trying to read from his face what he was thinking.

But what if her hypothesis was right? What if Alzheimer's wasn't caused by protein plugs? That would probably mean that she didn't have those ten years. She might not even have five years.

"Then what is the other bad news?" he asked confused after a few seconds of silence. "Well, while testing your blood I found out that your leukocyte count was up. By a lot. So, I tested for C-reactive proteins and did an ANA test." Dr. Thomas continued. "What? That- that would mean that-" Meredith mumbled with a small voice, fear written all over her face. "I'm really sorry to tell you this Dr. Grey but I think that you might have an autoimmune disease." 

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