I'm tired

Part 12

"Alright, we're done with the tests now all we need is an MRI and then we're done." Dr. Sullivan announced after just poking Meredith with a dozen of thick needles in literally six or seven spots. Everything hurt and her whole body felt as if it was on fire. Although they already knew that she had SLE they couldn't start her on her new medication until they would know how her organs were looking.

Hopefully there was no permanent damage to her kidney, lungs, heart or brain yet since those were the organs this type of disease usually affected. In the worst case she would need a transplant but she could still worry about that when the time came.

"You okay?" Nick asked, helping her to put the hospital gown back on. "Yeah I'm good." Meredith gave back, now even more exhausted than just a few hours ago. "What if my kidneys are already damaged?" she asked quietly. "Then we'll deal with that. It'll be okay Meredith. We caught the SLE in an early stage you have been sick for just a few weeks now, the possibility that there is such severe damage to your organs yet is pretty low. Trust me. And even if you'll need a transplant, we'll deal with that too." Nick reassured her, sitting down on the exam table next to her and carefully rubbing her back, trying his best not to put too much pressure onto the spots she had just been poked with a needle.

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Twenty minutes later the MRI was done as well and they were waiting for the results. Meredith and Nick had insisted on looking at the scans themselves to make sure that Dr. Sullivan wouldn't miss anything since they both didn't trust her.

"Scans are up now." Dr. Sullivan said as the images of Meredith's inside appeared on the screen. Nick took her hand into his as he was sitting next to her wheelchair on one of the desk chairs. "Oh my god!" Meredith said shocked as she took a closer look at her kidneys. Her left kidney was dead. It was completely dark, there was no blood in it at all. "We need to get you into surgery right now we have to take the kidney out before the inflammation spreads onto the other one. Your right kidney looks fine to me and we have to make sure it'll stay this way. We'll take out the left one and put you on dialysis until your body adjusts and hopefully we won't have to take out the other one as well." Dr. Sullivan said getting up.

"Dr. Sullivan? Is- is Dr. Webber still here? I'd like him to perform the surgery." Meredith said, stopping Dr. Sullivan on her way out. "I'll see if I can find him." She replied before walking away. "Mer." Nick said as he noticed that she could barely keep herself together right now. She was fighting against the tears that threatened to run down her cheeks. "Meredith." He said again, watching as a few single tears escaped her closed eyelids. "Why didn't I notice this I was literally walking around with a dead kidney for who knows how long." She whispered, trying to keep talking as her voice started to break.

He didn't know what to say to her. He knew himself how exhausting and draining dialysis was and she would need it for sure if her right kidney wasn't functioning perfectly which it probably wasn't. He just prayed that she wouldn't need a kidney transplant

"I'll need surgery, how am I going to tell the kids?" she asked helplessly, staring at the image of her dead kidney. "We'll figure it out. You'll have surgery and I'll pick them up from day-care and school so that they can be there when you wake up alright? And I'll make sure they all take a shower before they come here so that there's no risk for you to get sick. It'll be okay Mer." He told her, trying to calm her thoughts down a little. "Okay, thank you." She replied, leaning over to him so that he could hug her.

She was losing so much to this stupid disease right now. Her research, her immune system and now even her kidney. She was terrified. What if her right kidney was in a bad shape too? What if she would actually need a kidney transplant? She would have to stay in the hospital for months what if something would happen? What if Zola's anxiety would get worse again? What if they wouldn't get a kidney in time and she would- die?

She was beyond mad at herself. She should have listened to her body from the beginning. She should have known that stressing herself out over her research like she had would at some point lead to a consequence like this. But wasn't it enough that she would probably get Alzheimer's within the next ten years? Why was this happening.

Right in this moment Dr. Sullivan entered the room again, shortly followed by Richard. "Meredith? What happened?" he asked concerned, sitting down in the empty chair. "I have SLE Richard. And I need you to take out my kidney." She said, not waiting any time explaining why she didn't tell him earlier and presenting the facts clearly.

Richard just stared at her in shock before tearing his gaze away onto the scans. "Alright I'll do it, Dr.- uhm-"

"Sullivan."

"Dr. Sullivan right, could you prepare an OR and make sure there's a team waiting?" Richard said, getting up again. "Sure." Dr. Sullivan said, turning around and walking away again. "Alright, then let's prep you for surgery."

She knew that Richard had been the right choice. She knew that he would make the right call and make decisions in her best interest. He would knew what to do when he would see her right kidney and whatever the outcome would be Richard would know what would come next. She knew that she could trust him. That was why she had also chosen him to be the one to unplug her if necessary while she had had covid.

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"Nothing will happen right? I'm not going to die?" Meredith asked anxiously as they were currently moving her bed through the hallway of the surgical wing. Nick was walking along next to the bed, holding her hand in his, too scared to let go. "You won't die Mer, you'll be just fine. And as soon as you're out of surgery your kids will be here and I will be here." Nick said, smiling at her encouragingly. It was hard to see her laying in this bed, being wheeled into surgery. But it was necessary. They had to remove the dead tissue to prevent infection, sepsis or her losing the other kidney.

"Okay, you can't go any further Dr. Marsh." Dr. Webber said who was walking along the other side of the bed. "I love you Mer." Nick said, bending down to pull her into a soft but passionate kiss. "I love you too." Meredith replied with teary eyes. "You'll be just fine." He reassured her and himself one more time before she was already gone. Sighing he turned around, walking back through the hallway until he found an empty supply closet into which he disappeared. Meredith was having surgery; her left kidney was dead and with this procedure her recovery would take even longer and be even harder than expected.

Taking a deep breath he leaned back against the closed door, just staring off into the distance. Everything was happening so fast. Too fast. Just a few hours ago they hadn't even known what kind of autoimmune disease she had and now- now she was having surgery. The only thing he could imagine being grateful for was that they had discovered the dead kidney before her other kidney had been affected or she would have suffered from a sepsis. They would take it out and start her on her new medication and at one point, maybe even not so far into the future she will be better again. It was typically for SLE patients that the symptoms only occurred every few months- just like a cold or the flu once it was under control. And they would be able to deal with that. Meredith was strong. She was stronger than this and she would survive. They would be okay.

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