I'm tired

Part 14

"You're both doctors you know what can happen if we don't find a kidney right away." Dr. Sullivan said. Her and Richard had both stepped by after Richard had finally managed to get Meredith on the waiting list for a new kidney. But as they had already suspected that wasn't going to happen any time soon. There were always going to be cases more severe than Meredith's. He himself had only gotten a kidney because his best friend had given him one of his. He would have never gotten one through the transplant list.

"Nausea and vomiting, muscle cramps, loss of appetite, high blood pressure, swellings, dry and itchy skin, shortness of breath, trouble sleeping, epileptic seizures and death." Meredith said, listing all the things that could happen to her as if she wasn't the patient but the doctor. She was still in the same position she had woken up in, not having any energy at all to move. She felt so tired, so done. She was supposed to cure Alzheimer's, not die because of kidney failure due to an autoimmune disease she had developed because she had been too stressed about curing Alzheimer's. This was so- ironic. As she was trying to cure a disease she might get, she was now suffering from a completely different one.

She was really scared. She knew what all of this meant, she was a doctor. Needing a new kidney meant spending months in the hospital, not doing anything, not spending enough time with her kids, not curing Alzheimer's.

"We still have to do a few more tests, we need to start the treatment for lupus and find out what medication works best for you. The problem is, now with your kidney failure it is going to be- hard to test out the possible medications. You know there are types of antimalarial medicine that works for many lupus patients, there are steroids and anti-inflammatories as well as immunosuppressives. The problem is that especially the immunosuppressives as well as the steroids aren't a long term solution and there are probably going to be side effects that you'll be experiencing. We will also start with dialysis tomorrow but unfortunately you will have to stay here. For at least the next three weeks. Probably longer than that." Dr. Sullivan explained, Richard still standing right behind her, his gaze fixed onto the ground.

It was an understatement to say that Meredith was scared. All of those things were things that she was usually telling patients. But being told these things while she was the patient herself was- it was horrible.

Nick was sitting beside her, holding onto her hand. Just him being here was- a relief. She knew that if she would be here alone, she would be crying by now because she wouldn't know how she was going to handle all of this. Recovering from the surgery, treatment, her kids, her job. But with Nick here, she knew that she wouldn't have to worry so much since he would help her. He gave her hope. He made the thought of getting through this possible. He made it possible for her to believe that she wouldn't give up.

"I think I want to sleep a bit." She whispered, just wanting Richard and Dr. Sullivan, who still made her uncomfortable, to leave the room so she could be alone with Nick. After they finally left Meredith looked up at Nick. "I'm so sorry Mer." He said, gently stroking her cheek.

"I think I should call Carolyn. Derek's mom. I need help with the kids I won't be able to bring them to school or make them dinner and bring them to bed. And I- I want you here. I don't want to be alone. Maybe she could help with the kids for a little while. She hasn't seen them in so long and she is probably lonely." Meredith said, looking down again. Nick could hear from her choice of words how hard it was for her to ask for help, especially Derek's mother. He had never heard Meredith speak about her before so they probably weren't close.

"That's a great idea Mer, I'm sure the kids would love to spend some more time with their grandma. And I would love to be able to stay with you longer, I don't want you to be alone either." Nick reassured her, smiling slightly. "I need a kidney transplant." She whispered slowly, frowning at how the sentence sounded. It was surreal, everything that was happening just felt like one big nightmare that she couldn't wake up from. She was trapped in her own mind. Except that this wasn't only in her imagination, this was really happening.

Nick stayed silent, for him this must seem pretty unreal too. It's been two days, three days ago neither of them had talked to each other for over a month. They had been pushed back into real life so quickly that they hadn't even had time to find out at what point their relationship was right now. But did it matter? He was here and he wasn't going to leave. And that was all Meredith needed for now.

_______

After Nick had left to get them some food Meredith had pulled her phone out of her purse as she was now staring at Carolyns contact information. She hadn't talked to her in a while. They only called each other on birthdays and Christmas. Even before Derek's death she hadn't been very close to Derek's family and after he had died she just hadn't been emotionally able to keep close contact.

But she knew that she couldn't do this alone, she needed her village. And with that thought she made another decision. Closing Carolyns contact she opened Amelia's, pressing the call-button and just after a few seconds her sister-in-law already picked up.

"Hey!" Amelia said cheerfully. "I haven't heard from you in a while, how is Boston?" she asked. "There's something I need to talk to you about." Meredith begun; her mouth completely dry. "I have SLE." She said carefully, waiting for a reaction. But there was just silence. "I have Lupus Amelia. I'm in the hospital, I need a kidney transplant." She continued; her hands shaky all of the sudden. "I need you to take over my Alzheimer's trial." She said finally, as there was still no reaction from Amelia. "You have Lupus?" Amelia asked shocked after another ten seconds of silence had passed.

"Yeah. But I need someone to continue the research as I won't be doing much the next few weeks. I'm stuck in a hospital bed and I don't want them to give the trial to anyone I want them to give it to you, I trust you, and I know that you might be one of the few people who won't think I'm crazy after hearing my hypothesis. I need you here Amelia." Meredith said, hating the fact that once again she was forced to ask for help. Now this disease was taking her independence from her.

"I- I have a family here Mer, I have a kid." Amelia said. "I know that but- please think about it, at least consider it. Please I really need your help on this." Meredith replied tearfully. "Okay I will think about it. Do you want us to fly out? I- does anyone here even know?" Amelia asked, still confused.

"No one knows except Nick and Richard and you. I just found out myself yesterday. You can- you can tell Maggie, but no one else. And you don't need to come here, I'm fine." Meredith said. "Okay. Can you call me when you get any news?"

"I will." Meredith said, not wanting to worry her sisters by telling them that she had just had surgery.

After ending the call she was now hovering once again over Carolyn's contact for a few seconds before laying her phone back onto the nightstand and closing her eyes. She knew that she was being stubborn and that she had to call someone to help with the kids at one point anyways and that Carolyn would be her best choice because she trusted her. So why was it so hard to call her?

Hey people!! I'm not entirly back I just had some new ideas today and ditched studying to write a chapter =) maybe I'll write some more this week.
I dont even know if there are any poeple still reading this or even wantig me to update