I'm tired

Part 9

"Do you- want to stay here? Or would you rather go to a hotel?" Meredith asked after she had just brought her kids to bed. "I'd love to stay here if that's okay with you." Nick said, taking her hand and smiling at her. "Yeah, I'd love that too." Meredith replied.

"What about I clean up here and you take a hot shower." He suggested, seeing how tired she looked. Her eyes were still extremely red what made her skin look even paler. "Sounds really good." She replied, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him, before disappearing up the stairs.

Ten minutes later she was still standing under the shower, millions of thoughts on her mind and not even the wonderfully warm water could make them go away. She was scared. Why hadn't she noticed this earlier? Had she been so deep into her work that she hadn't even noticed how bad she was feeling? Thinking back now, she had to admit that she did experience some of the symptoms more frequently but- she never thought that it was something serious. She was allergic to nuts and animal hair and she had just thought that those rashes and red spots had come from some kind of allergic reaction.

And she had thought that she had been so tired because of how long she had been working. But thinking back- she had never been up for longer than twenty hours in a row and during her internship she had sometimes worked for over 48 hours. She hadn't slept very well the past few weeks because she had been worried about her kids and her research but- she had slept enough. She hadn't just been tired it had been fatigue. And as a doctor she should have recognized that this fatigue could have meant something serious. Did mean something serious.

Without even noticing it she started to cry quietly. Why was she so messed up? Now she wouldn't only get Alzheimer's but she was also seriously sick. As soon as she would start the treatment even the slightest infection, the mildest cold could lead to a sepsis. She had three little children there was no way that she would be able not to get sick every few months. Even now she got sick at least four times a year, so how was she supposed to get through this?

Why was everything so screwed up? What did she do to deserve this? Wasn't the possibility to get Alzheimer's already enough?

Very slowly she started to get angry. Her breathing started to get faster and she felt the need to punch something. Getting out of the shower she grabbed a towel, wrapping herself into it and turning around, wanting to walk out of the room. But then she saw herself in the mirror. She was pale and her eyes were completely red. Her wet hair somehow made her look even more tired- maybe even crazy. Looking down a little she noticed that even on her neck there were now dark red spots and all of the sudden she couldn't keep herself together anymore. Without even thinking she grabbed the hairdryer and just threw it right into the mirror.

The glass shattered and fell down, now covering the whole floor. The whole mirror had broken into a million pieces. Closing her eyes she sighed. She didn't mean to lose control over herself like that.

Suddenly the door flew open and Nick stood in the bathroom, fear written all over his face as he was completely out of breath. As he looked around the room he sighed in relief. "What happened?" he asked, taking a few steps closer, making sure not to step on the small pieces of glass. Meredith didn't reply, she just continued to look at the wall, right at the spot where her face had been only a minute ago. Very carefully he helped her over the broken glass and into the bedroom, sitting her down on the bed.

"Talk to me." He said, sitting down next to her. "Do you remember when we talked about our Plan B?" she asked him, her voice low and soft. "I do." He replied, not sure where she was going with this. They had talked about their Plan B when he had been admitted to the hospital right after his kidney transplant and Meredith had saved his life almost four years ago.

"I'd really like to have a Plan B now." She continued, looking up at him. He gently put a strand of her wet hair behind her ear, stroking her cheek.

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Half an hour later Nick had managed to clean up the whole bathroom floor, making sure that no one would step into a piece of glass and get hurt. Meredith had been laying on the bed, still deep in thought. He was worried about her. He knew that she had a history with depression and honestly, he was worried about her. After changing into something more comfortable as well (it had turned out that Meredith had kept some of his pyjamas) he joined her in bed, laying down next to her, looking at her.

"You're really tired aren't you?" he asked, seeing how she was trying to keep her eyes open. "Yeah. I- realised that I might have experienced this fatigue for a little longer than just the past two weeks. I slept Nick, not much but I was never up for longer than twenty hours." She whispered, seeing his expression soften. "You really slept?" he asked, getting really worried now. "Yeah- I was tired even after sleeping for twelve hours last weekend. I didn't work more than usual. When I couldn't sleep at night I worked a bit on my laptop but- I've always done that. I haven't worked a lot more I was just- completely exhausted because my body was fighting itself." She continued, her eyes getting watery.

"I could have noticed this earlier if only I had paid more attention to myself." She said, looking down. "It was all a symptom." She added, tightly holding onto her pillow. Nick didn't know what to say. "But we found out now and it's still not too late. It could have gotten much worse. And honestly- I am a little relieved that you weren't actually working yourself to death. I was really scared that you were completely burn out. But you were just sick. Mer that- isn't actually that bad. At least Jackson won't still want to admit you to psych ward now." He chuckled, making her giggle too.

"Of course, it's going to be tough, we'll have to go through a lot. You will have to go through a lot. But I will be here for all of it." He added, pulling her into his arms. "Thank you Nick." He heard her whisper, slowly falling asleep in his strong, muscular arms.

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In the middle of the night he woke up to some movements right next to him. Opening his eyes he saw that Meredith was still lying next to him, but she had kicked her covers off and was moving around restlessly. Turning on the lamp on the nightstand he sat up, gently touching her shoulder, trying to wake her up since he suspected that she was having a nightmare.

"Mer?" he asked, pulling his hand back as he felt how hot her skin was. She had a fever. Slowly she opened her eyes, looking around a little dazzled. "Why is it so hot?" she asked, sitting up. "You have a fever." He said, helping her into a sitting position. She just sighed. "I'll take a cold shower, that usually helps." She mumbled, very slowly standing up. "Usually?" Nick asked a little confused. "I don't have a fever I just got a little warm. That happens sometimes. I always just take a cold shower and go back to sleep." Meredith whispered, still half asleep.

"How often did that happen before?" he asked a little surprised that she didn't see this. "I don't know, like six or seven times." She said, now getting up, swaying a little. "Mer, you've been having fever spikes. This is another symptom." He said, steading her. "I think I'm trapped in a nightmare." She said, looking up at him sleepily. "And I feel like I am a really bad doctor Nick." She then added, looking down again.

"You are not a bad doctor Mer, it's normal that you don't see the symptoms when you're experiencing them yourself." He reassured her, although he did think that she should have tried to listen to her body a little more. Those symptoms were pretty obvious and she should have noticed how bad she was feeling.

"Let's get you into the shower." He said, gently placing a kiss on the top of her head. He was really worried. And he could never be mad at her while he knew how bad she was feeling. "Help me please." She whispered quietly, obviously being embarrassed about how weak she seemed to be. "Of course." He replied, helping her undress herself and into the shower.

Ten minutes later they were lying in bed again and Meredith was feeling slightly better. "Don't be mad at me I know I should have seen the symptoms." She said, looking down. "Don't beat yourself up about it Mer and I am definitely not mad at you. It'll be okay, try to sleep some more. We'll find out what is going on exactly tomorrow and then we'll figure out the treatment and how to keep going from there." He said, holding her close. "Okay." She gave back, quickly falling back asleep. And then, as he was sure that she was asleep, he finally allowed himself to cry.