¶𝗥𝗼𝗰𝗸 𝗕𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗼𝗺 [H.S]

1.13

𝙼𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚎

When I was locked in rehab, the nurses always told me I made the wrong choices because of my habits. The addiction was long gone, yet I was still down the same road. If I got on my knees and prayed for all of this to end, would it? I don't believe there is enough power in this damned world to wash my sins away. I learned tears couldn't rinse the blood off my hands the hard way. The crimson color was never there, yet it burned like Hell. All the promises I made drowned in the whiskey on my lips. I had no money, no battery, no shame. The clothes on my body were not even mine. The boy I made out with probably had another girl waiting for him at home. I had become everything I was scared of. I wasn't even high. They lied to me.

My high wore off the moment I stepped home. The hallways were empty, leaving room for every one of my sins to be hung on the white walls. I didn't deserve any of this. The clothes, the bed, the love. Maybe this was why it was so easy for them to leave me. I should have been more careful. I should have...

It wasn't as easy to take off the burden on my shoulders as it was to take the dress off my body. I had never stolen anything before. Once in fifth grade, I gave all my money to a kid that did my homework. And then I bled for the first time. I had no money, no clue what to do, and no one to tell. There was this shop next to the school, and I used to go there all the time. The lady liked me a lot, so you could tell how bad it felt when I had to steal the pads. Karma - I called it and never did it again. The day after, I tipped her extra to feel better about myself, but I never did. Despite that, what was stealing pads or clothes next to stealing and destroying a police car? I have never gone this far. I had stolen a car before, but it was never this way. I tried to run away from my crimes, and when that didn't work out, that guy lit it in flames. And I let him. Because he was doing it, not me. But I could still feel the tingles and my heartbeat. I hate it. I wish I could take it all back and do it differently. Do it the right way.

This time I didn't even feel that bad. I had fun without needing a dose. I proved those nurses wrong. It was an awful feeling, a tricky question. There was no right question. It was a shiver of happiness. I was suffocating from all the freedom I had. It was wrong. But I could change. I did it before. I could do it again. I just had to cut off the wrong people and kill my bad habits.

"Had fun at the party?" Liam's voice made me turn my attention away from the ceiling.

My body was cold from laying on the floor, only in my pajamas. I turned to find him leaning on the wall with folded arms. He wasn't happy. That made two of us. I didn't have anything to say. I knew what I had done. When he didn't get an answer, he left me alone. I turned my attention back to the ceiling. They didn't know what I was going through. They didn't understand. He could only boss me around like a child. And when he didn't get the reaction he wanted, he became the one throwing tantrums. I should apologize - the thought floated while every other plan I had reached the bottom. I hated being this way, but he was the one that made me hate my heart. If we weren't related, he would be one of the people I cut loose first.

"Liam, I'm really sorry," I said the second my foot touched the marble kitchen floor.

I wish I could have said more, but to him, apologies were supposed to be cut short.

"For what?" he looked up from his phone. I couldn't keep looking him in the eyes and rot inside. So I turned to look at Amanda, who was preparing the table. "For making me look like an idiot when I called Chrystal to wish her a safe flight just to learn she wasn't even in town?" she asked, smiling with his eyes furrowed.

With tears in my eyes, I looked up. I didn't want to let them fall down my cheeks. Because then I was playing the victim. I didn't want to give him more words to throw at me. He already had enough.