KOTLC/PJO Oneshots

The Diary - Fitz Vacker

hi guys! I'm working on the Jiper Pt. 2 oneshot, but in the mean time, here's a Fitz oneshot in the form of diary entries! This one is so freaking dark, I have no idea why i have it

tw: mental abuse, physical abuse, s//cidal thoughts, s//cide

------------------------------------

August 8th - Fitz

Dear diary, it's been a hard day. I had to go search for some random girl living in the human world. According to Father, she's an elf and really smart.

I turned thirteen today. I know elves don't celebrate birthdays, but I've still counted. I think it's a human tradition. I'll probably forget my counting by the time I'm a few thousand years. I don't want to live thousands of years.

Elves are immortal, but I don't think I want to be. Maybe I'll find some way to die. Living forever sounds terrifying. 

That would mean whoever I decide to marry, I'll have to be with them my entire life. My whole life. I don't want to do that. Father probably will choose who I marry anyway, so it's not going to be anyone I really love.

He knows what's best for me, right? But being stuck with someone I don't love for eternity in a fake relationship? I'd rather not. A few decades, yes, but not forever.

Anyways, Father is calling me! Goodbye!

~

September 3rd - Fitz

Father's been awfully harsh today. I won a second-place award today, and he got mad at me. He said Vackers have to do their best, no matter what. Second isn't enough, it has to be first.

I don't know what I did wrong! I tried my best. Wasn't that enough for him? I guess I have to try better, right?

He told me he would have never done this mistake when he was a kid. He's right, isn't he? Father knows better, he always does.

I just want to make him proud.

~

September 27 - Fitz

Do you think Father loves me? I don't know if he does. He always yells at me and yesterday he almost hit me. 

I deserve it though, right? Father is right. I need to do better. I'm a horrible son. Why am I like this? I wish he loved me. I wish I was a better son.

Why I am I like this? I need to look more perfect, act more perfect, be more perfect. I need to listen to Father and make him proud of me.

I don't deserve his love. At least not yet. Will I ever?

~

November 3 - Fitz

He hit me. For real this time. It wasn't very hard, but my cheek stings and it's all red. Biana doesn't know, but she's worried about me. She says I've been acting strange.

I'm trying to cover it up and plaster on a smile. I told her I'm fine. I am fine. I've always been fine. I've never not been fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

If I say it enough times, maybe it would be true.

~

November 12 - Fitz

He did it again. He slapped me, twice. It hurts so bad this time. It still didn't leave a bruise, but my face hurts so bad and it's red as a tomato.