Forever Never

Chapter Eighteen | Selfish

Tyana

I never thought I'd get to a point where I of all people was spending my mornings picking up a book with the objective to actually read. Yet here I was, sunk in my favorite beanbag in comfy sweats and a tee, fifty pages into the one Leroy picked out for me. This book might as well have been a biopic about me with the way it was hitting a little too close to home.

My phone chimed suddenly, the sound making my heart skip a little due to the silence, and I checked to see a text from Leroy.

Mornin

Getting good morning texts was definitely not the norm for me, especially not from anyone I was interested in. The mere thought that someone could wake up and be thinking about me enough to message me brought on a feeling of giddiness. I didn't know what that said about me and honestly didn't care.

I felt bold enough to video call him instead so I could see his pretty ass face. He picked up and there was a lazy smile on his face that didn't help the giddiness inside.

"Did you just wake up? It's like almost 1 pm?" I told him.

"Yeah I know, but it's the first Saturday in a while where I don't gotta worry about work and shit so I'm soaking it up," he said.

"Wait does that mean Fabrizia hired you full time?" I asked and he nodded.

"Yeah she texted me just now."

He'd been talking about this for a while now and finally it happened and I couldn't be more happier for him. "Well congrats! I'm happy for you."

His smile got bigger as he thanked me for the enthusiasm. "So what you up to?" he asked.

I picked up the book in my lap and put it in the frame. "I'm actually reading if you can believe it." I told him and he chuckled lightly.

"I thought you said making you a reader was gonna be more of a challenge?" he teased and I shrugged.

"I'm just as surprised as you are," I said. "But I like it so far which I definitely wasn't expecting."

"But you're better than me tho cuz I haven't started mine yet," he said.

I fake gasped. "Not you slacking-" I said teasingly with a hand on my chest. He shook his head and said he'd get started today. It was dimmer in whatever room he was in compared to mine and I asked if he was in his room.

"Yeah. Want a virtual tour?" he asked and although his smile looked innocent enough, there was a hint of something suggestive about it.

I nodded. "Sure."

He got up and must've opened his curtains as the room instantly became a lot brighter. The camera flipped to the one on the back of the phone instead and he panned it around the room. He showed me his closet, his motivational posters on the walls, the drawer with only his comics in it and lastly his bed.

"And that concludes our tour," he said as he laid back down on his bed again with the front camera on instead.

"It was nice, very immersive. Hope to visit one day," I replied with an equal level of cheekiness to my smile as his. Eventually our call ended and I went back to reading.

***

Tim not texting me since my date with Leroy had me worried. Him posting a video of himself talking nonsense with a bottle in hand didn't help either so I decided I had to go over to his place.

The apartment was dirty as ever when I entered and it was so eerily quiet that I was starting to think he wasn't home until I found him lying in the bathtub. His clothes were soaking wet despite the bathtub being somewhat dry.

"Tim." I crouched down and lightly tapped on his face, expecting him to open up his eyes. He seemed deeply asleep until I noticed his chest was barely rising and felt the anxiety slowly build up until it full on blew up as I put my fingers to his neck, checking for a pulse and could barely feel one with how weak it was.

I took my phone out and dialed 911 on shaky hands, while fighting to steady my breathing so I could fill in the dispatcher on the details in a calm enough manner.

While waiting I kept my fingers on his neck to make sure the pulse didn't stop. I stared at the two empty bottles in the tub with him, the tears piling up one after another, and repeatedly whispering to him that he'll be fine. The words were moreso for me than him in that moment, for my beating heart.

Finally the ambulance had arrived and I sat beside Tim's stretcher where he was lying unconscious, holding his hand tight as we drove to the hospital where he was rushed to get his stomach pumped. I waited outside the room, biting my nails and pretending I had Daise in my lap to ease my anxiety. My eyes were puffy from all the crying I'd been doing.

Hours later I was sitting in a chair next to Tim's hospital bed, relieved more than anything that he was awake and alive. "You scared the shit out of me." I spoke, breaking the silence.

"I just wanted to stop feeling like shit for a few minutes. Didn't mean for it to end up like this," he said. "I'm sorry that I'm like this. You don't deserve a burden like me. Don't blame you for ignoring me honestly." he went on.

"I didn't ignore you."

"You weren't answering my texts. I get it tho. I would abandon me too," he said. "I'm a mess. Not even a therapist could fix me."

He stopped going to his shrink and said he'd given it a try but that it just wasn't for him. But I suspected it was moreso because he said some truths Tim didn't like so he walked away because it was easier to than to have to face that mirror.

"I wasn't answering you because I was already with someone at the time. You always text me when I'm busy."

"Was it that guy from Axelle's party?" he asked and I didn't know what to say to that.

"You mean Leroy?"

"I've noticed lately you care more about this guy you barely know than me. It's just I thought we promised each other to always be there for each other. But I guess in the end it was just a one way street."

He hadn't looked at me once since he woke up. I had never seen Tim so distant, especially from me. "Stop saying that. I'm always here for you." I told him and he chuckled. But I didn't sense any humor in that.

I looked around in the room and a sense of déjà-vu hit me. Once again I felt the tears slowly making their way forward and the corner of my eyes began stinging. Despite what I try and tell myself, Tim was right. I abandoned him and broke my promise to him.

"Ty?" Tim said and I shifted my eyes on him again. Finally he was looking at me. "You okay?" he asked in a warmer and softer voice, he didn't feel so distant anymore.

"I should be asking you that."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad," he said.

"No, no you didn't. I'm good," I said and buried my hands in my pockets where they were trembling. "I'll be right back, just gonna visit the bathroom."

I left the room and locked myself in an empty booth in the women's where I tried to calm myself down. How pathetic can one get. I wasn't the one that had to be rushed to the hospital to get my stomach pumped and almost died, and yet here I was crying and feeling sorry for myself. Tim may have not said it directly but he was right in calling me selfish.