I Don't Want This (OCD)

I am back!!

   So, I find it incredibly satisfying to look back through this text and see just how much my mindset has grown and changed! For that, I am incredibly grateful. I've learned more about what I need from a therapist and the previous one was just not a good fit. I've kind of given up on getting a therapist for now.. maybe just waiting until the system is less overwhelmed (which could be years idk) and I move to somewhere that has people with demographics that suit me better. It's kind of a burn out situation (just MY experience) because within the past years I've had soooo many therapists and I am utterly exhausted of it. I'm prioritizing myself by waiting until I am in a place to actually unpack things. 

So, I graduated??! I.. think I'm definitely feeling the confusion and transitional piece of life that is leaving high school. For so long, my want was for me to leave high school and just get it over with.. and now that it is- I feel so lost!!! BUT it won't be that way forever :)

So, I think I'm learning about compromise a lot lately. I have systems that if I continue, even if not the most "organized" work for ME and that's what matters!! No matter how "unconventional" my parents claim, I have them in place so that -I- can accomplish what I need without feeling completely burned out. 

I'm still learning how to do that and likely will, but I'm proud of myself for the efforts I make. :)

How are you doing? Are you excited/nervous for what's ahead? Do you also have an "unconventional" way of doing things? Well, you aren't alone regardless!

I actually appreciate my own denial of conformity. While I'm force to conform in many situations.. I like the freedoms I have otherwise.

So, I've been sleeping on my couch and in my clothing w/ blankets used before for this when I am too utterly exhausted to get clean, undress, and use my bed..

It isn't ideal for my back right now, but I'm working on it! And lately, instead of doing so, I just sleep in my bed, then change the sheets and shower the next day :)

Why should I punish myself for listening to my body's exhaustion? Progress is what matters most!

It's better to be motivated by the positive rather than the negative. I.E: showering and the nice refreshing feeling of being clean, calmness of water running over you, and giving yourself time to take care of yourself-pamper yourself a little. 

I can only control so much in my life and so-I'll focus on what I CAN.

Also- I just got hired for my first job!!! I start in a few days. WAIT OMG I have PRIDE in a city in two days too!! I need to do my laundry lol.

I'm so happy I have free time to get carpool to there asdfjadks;l

I totally hope they have free sunglasses like at the other pride because I lost the other ones :( and they were RAINBOW. If not, well.. I'll just have to buy my own pair sometime!

Of course, I experience intrusive thoughts regularly, but thankfully, I don't feel like it takes so much of my time or focus as much as it used to (at least with the morality/gross ones).

I don't feel shame or weird for my stating of boundaries in not holding others stuff as much anymore. Sometimes, I let it happen anyways. It bothers me when others hold my phone without permission asufhasdfijals;kf

BUT I can't control that and honestly- it is so worth it for when I can exchange contact information or share my art/photography etc. which makes me SOOOO HAPPYYY!

Even if it drives me nuts lmao

I'm happy

Anywhoo. I'm still processing the fact I'm so close to my 18th birthday??! OMG wait I get to have a letter I wrote for myself nearly a year ago!!! ahh that'll be cool. Y'know, regardless if I have my name change done/paperwork (realistically I don't really see it occurring) I'm proud of myself and happy I can finally start the process once I'm legal age for it :)). 

I'm still a kid to most and in my mind- just a teen. But, I'm so relieved and excited/nervous just glad that I'll have access to rights I NEED once 18. 

I think focusing less upon OCD allows me to obsess over it less. Hopefully, this just shows that progress can be made and it isn't my entire life! I hope you are doing well and thanks for reading :))