A huge struggle or main component I have are mental compulsions and how they trigger me in other ways. For instance, I spent far too long lost in my head at the mere look at someone across from me or in a video. My brain's automatic response was to be like: "omg you are totally racist or bigoted or think them _____" just by looking at someone. I think I have a type of Perfectionism OCD. Because even things from YEARS ago I ruminate on and feel guilt for EVEN if I know 1.) it's been resolved completely and grown from 2.) that there was literally no wrong in the situation and I was just being anxious.
Even listing these thing out in writing or my head is a compulsion really. It's a "game" of no fun in which I reexamine my faulty memory and get mad at myself for things not in my control. Like even the fact that I forgot one person's name quicker than the others and then my brain was immediately like: you probably did because you find names more similar to yours easier to remember! But that wasn't even the reason in the first place because they were not a manager. SEE now I'm doing it again- justifying or trying to put in another excuse or reason when I KNOW this is not a connection to make in the first place and ultimately it'd make sense if I DO have that kind of trait or bias due to what I've been naturally conditioned/exposed to and made to expect.
I have a type of OCD where I think really centers around trying to prove I'm not a bigot even when literally admitting the fact I do have bias and prejudice within me is literAlly one of the first steps towards change and growth. But another area of my brain really questions if my drive to learn so much about discrimination and etc. is something I do to feel better about myself. I do genuinely want to advocate and be a better person. I believe honestly that it is important I should be informed and work consistently to be an ally to marginalized groups as I am a part of multiple myself. And I think that- how I feel doesn't have to be something about my ocd nor anything I can control. I'm gonna feel how I feel regardless and.. it's not bad for me to feel good about change but it shouldn't be the reason why I do something. I'm not looking to do such to try and make myself think I'm suddenly a saint. There is no "done." And I think.. this really goes down to trusting myself to be okay with messing up. To being open minded and willing to learn. Knowing that my mistakes do not define me but no one has to put up with me being in the learning process either if it hurts them. Because that is valid too.
I'm proud of myself for where I am today and will continue to be. I look forward to getting to know more and be more than I have been. I'm still just as young as I am even if an adult now. So, really, this is just the start. Right?
I think recognizing these patterns and stuff might help me. Or just letting go of trying to analyze it all. I've been triggering myself to feel guilty over and over and over as well as justify or replay my actions. Especially in traumatic memories. I'm not who I was. I am who I am. And will continue to be changing- but still me.
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I Don't Want This (OCD)
SaggisticaI was desperate. Frustrated. At a loss and almost spiteful. Sometimes, I still feel like I drive myself crazy reaching for some form of validation. Isolation is an intense and harrowing feeling. And yet, somehow, this accumulation of emotions led to...
