magnetic ◊ criminal minds

lx.

lx. proof
( season seven, episode two )

LYRA did not know what to feel anymore. Emily Prentiss was alive, despite all the grieving that had been done, despite what they had been told. She was pacing in her apartment. Since she found out, Lyra had not been getting much sleep.

Maybe that was not so different than usual.

Morgan had promised to give her a ride to work, as compensation for letting him stay the night, and in her bed, no less. She was waiting for him to finish getting ready. In the meantime, as she paced, she was texting Ororo. Not about anything in particular, but rather complaining about having to go into work. She never used to dread it, despite the awful content she saw daily, because at least she saved people. But now? Now it was difficult to face half her coworkers. No matter how much reason she gave to the decision, nothing changed. She was still betrayed, lied to. It hurt her much more than she cared to admit.

She knew she had done the same. She was at fault for many things. She gave the same excuse, but she would never fake her own death. Died and come back to life, she had accidentally done, but never on purpose. She could never do that to her friends, to her family. It was for that reason she refused to jump that night months ago: they were too important. She sighed to herself and ran a hand through her hair.

"Relax, Little Red," Morgan said, coming out of the washroom, looking rather refreshed. "You're pacing a hole into the floor. And here I thought being hungover around you would be fine. You know, because you don't talk," he said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood.

Lyra paused her pacing, placing her phone in her pocket. "Sorry," she signed. "I couldn't sleep. I just... it's a lot."

"I can tell. You look like hell. No offence."

"None taken. I feel like hell - and I know what that's like," Lyra signed, her signs humorous despite the lack of amusement on her face.

"Ready to feel worse?" Morgan asked, holding up his car keys. They had to get to work. Lyra sighed but nodded. She had to face her coworkers eventually.

♢

"Lyra, can we talk?" Prentiss asked hesitantly, approaching her as Lyra and Morgan entered the building. Morgan gave Lyra a supportive pat on the shoulder as he passed, making his way to the coffee machine.

Reluctantly, Lyra nodded and followed Prentiss out into the hall. Prentiss glanced around, trying to make sure no one was around. She opened her mouth to speak, but Lyra went first. She already knew what this was about.

"I thought about death a lot, while you were supposed to be dead," Lyra signed. "I wondered if you remembered what it felt like. Your death."

"Did you?" Prentiss softly asked, carefully processing the signs.

"No. But I wouldn't have. He had already taken away anything that mattered. My mutation is what makes me feel anything. Without it, I'm not a person. For you, I thought it would have been different." Lyra looked down to her shoes. "I wondered if dying a second time would make my feelings go away. If I could go back to being apathetic."

"Ly-"

"If I'd have jumped, would you have still waited this long to come out of hiding?"

"That's not fair, Lyra."

"Neither is lying to me. Letting me go through that. I understand you suffered, Emily, I really do. But you know what? Before the BAU, people didn't lie to me. People wouldn't have considered it. And I know I've lied. For the same reason you did. But you know what the difference is? I'm not the one who needs to be protected. Everything I've ever done has been for someone else. I already accepted that I'll be painted as the bad guy. I'm fine with that, because it kept you safe. But I don't need to be kept safe. I could save or destroy the world if I wanted to. It's not the same, Prentiss."