[eng] Leave My Shit Outside ; Ziam

s ; BABY WE SHOULD SAY IT ALL. THERE'S BEAUTY IN THESE BROKEN WALLS

Words: 3,3K

—

LIAM'S POV

This dawn silence kills me sometimes, most times. Even more when I'm not taking my medicine, that helps me a lot to sleep well, and that's what is happening right now and during the last few days.

The worst part is not the silence, I guess, but the restlessness that comes too with this fucking insomnia that hits my body. I can't even think about when I'll have to get up, it will be when I'll be close to sleep or something. In other words I won't sleep tonight and still have to go through another day.

I lost my appointment with my psychiatrist at the beginning of this month and I just realized when my medication started to get over. Even though I only find a new appointment ten days from now. More than ten days and nights for me to live like a depressed sequeled zombie. I truly hope I won't kill myself during this period.

I start to cough when I get up, or do I only get up 'cause of the necessity to cough? As if bad thoughts weren't enough, I also have bad lungs. I can't even smoke to cure a crisis without getting into another. It's not like I've tried it before, of course not.

I turn on the hall light, but have to support my body on a wall to wait for this coughing fit to give me a break. Such an awful feeling. At the kitchen I pick some tea and make my way back to the living room. Could I fall asleep watching TV?

The answer is no, if you have any doubt. As I was thinking, I began to feel something like sleep around 5 in the morning, and considering that I would have to wake up just a bit later, I decided to stay awake.

I took a sad shower, got dressed feeling sad, and I felt even sadder when I realized that I wasn't hungry. Not even this food pleasure my organism feels able to, what does it want to demand of me? The certainty I have is that today is gonna be a long, long day. More than yesterday.

—

"Mister Payne?" Aaron's touching on my arm makes me jump a little. "I'm sorry, did I scare you?"

"That's OK, Aaron. What do you need?" I dry my sweating hands on my apron.

"I don't know how... it works." He shows me his notebook open at our last activity.

"I'll explain to you." I left his notebook on my desk. "Where's your pencil?"

"Here!" He puts the object above his head.

"Great. On this exercise you have to join one number to another, you know? On their order, until the drawing shows up."

"On their order?" Aaron scratches his head.

"Do you remember the numbers we learned the other day? One, two, three... Until ten."

"I can't remember at all."

"I'll help you, no problem." I realize that I'm trembling when I hold my pen firmly to write it down. I keep going anyway. "Tell me what you remember, don't have to be on their order."

"One, two, three, nine, seven, and... ten." He looks nervous, I am too, but even though I smile at this baby boy and touch his back.

"Good job. I'll put them on the order, so we can find out the others, is it OK?"

"OK."

I write down the numbers he already has told me, leaving some spaces to add the others. Aaron seems to be very concentrated.

"Alright." I clean my throat, but need to turn to the other side to cough a bit. "Excuse me."

After many explanations, Aaron goes back to his seat, so I can get deep inside my thoughts once again.