Fortuitously

Chapter 33

Remus and I make our way up the staircase towards his office. As we turn the corner, we stop, now face to face with Severus. He is still. His face is hard. I consider how long he's been standing there and how much he could have heard. 

I think he's been listening in on our conversation, darling. Remus' voice rings in my head.

His eyes glaze over Severus, partially in remorse and partially in worry. 

Snape's face turns to a glare and his eyes pierce Remus at that thought. 

Err yep... still listening. Remus' voice sounds once again.

I reach over and subtly pinch him to stop talking-- or rather, thinking. 

"Ow.." He whispers. 

My heart momentarily breaks for him. 

Sev.. 

His eyes flash over to mine, now glossy. But the second I look into them, the image of him staring up at Lily from between her thighs blinds and overtakes me. 

It's clear as day. My eyes well, and a single tear rolls down my cheek as my face hardens. Severus' face grows shocked, not expecting to see what I saw. 

"Y/n.." He tries. 

"Remus." I don't allow him to finish. 

"Yes?" 

"Let's go." I lace my fingers through his and begin leading him past Severus and down the hall.

Y/n--

Save it. I've already seen enough.

I feel the enragement radiating from Severus' being. 

How dare he? How dare he play me, and use me over, and over again just to drop me for that cheating cunt and then be angry with me for moving on? What a fucking idiot. He doesn't even know what to feel.

My breathing becomes more harsh with every step we take and Remus is forced to stop me. "Y/n, wait for a moment. Catch your breath. Are you alright?" 

"I'm fine. He's stupid. I don't care." I avoid making eye contact with Remus. 

He knows I care. That's the worst part of this all. He loves me and I love Severus. He knows I love Severus but he's still betting on the fact that he can change that. I want him to change that. 

"It's okay.." He pulls my face to his and looks down into my eyes. His face is so kind. Endearing. I sink forward into his arms and heat rushes to my face, my eyes swelling with tears. 

"I'm so sorry, Rem..." 

"Y/n it's okay. We'll get through this. Together." He places his lips, softly against mine. 

"Together." I whisper. 

---

We lay in bed for the majority of our break. Remus' need for rest quickly becomes the perfect excuse for me to stay hidden away in order to avoid Severus. 

I usually lay with my head on his chest, running my fingers along the long scars across his torso. He watches me with kind eyes until mine catch his. We smile. We lose track of time and day. The sun shines through the window announcing the new morning and we do nothing in response. We eat when we're hungry, fuck when we're horny, and shower when we're dirty. 

He loves so deeply. He loves in a way that I find difficult to understand. With no repercussions. With no remitting. With no conditions. He loves, without needing anything in return. He accepts what I am willing. He asks for nothing more. 

He just is. 

He is everything and more. The moon and the stars. 

The issue is that I never needed the moon or stars. 

I'm not a woman, comfortable with the changes that the moon provides. I enjoy consistency. And soon, when all returns, the moon will be most inconsistent. I am also not comfortable with never-ending positivity that are the stars. I am a happy person, but I don't need to show it always. I find myself gradually draining of all the energy I once had. 

I was once comfortable. With Saturn. His depressive, sorrow. His emotional heaviness and wisdom. I was comfortable with the straightforward relationship that was. That's who I allowed to be my best friend. That's who kept me safe from the walls crashing down all around me. The wisdom that taught me to be hard to those that meant to obstruct the path of me finding myself. The depressiveness that I felt I could bask in. The way it was so understanding and allowed me to be angry and sad and happy when I felt I needed to. 

I miss Saturn. I need him. 

But Saturn doesn't know how to be a star and Saturn could never be the moon. He will never change and quickly becomes selfish and undeserving. 

Underserving of me. 

In my head, I know this. 

But I'm waiting for my heart to get the memo.