Calm after the Storm

Boyfriends

Maybe I can find you
Down this broken line
Maybe you can find me
I guess we'll know in time

Oh skies are black and blue
I'm thinking about you
Here in the calm after the storm

(Calm after the storm - The Common Linnets)

[Louis]

Louis can't help but bite his lip nervously as they sit across from each other on the sofa. Harry's head tilted and a look that burns through Louis as if he were trying to solve a riddle that he embodies. He also knows that a conversation is overdue, to clean up with what lies between them. He can literally feel the words on Harry's tongue and still doesn't know how to answer these unsaid questions. It's a weird state he's in. Suddenly without Jake and yet as if he lurks like a shadow in the background with all the fears and insecurities he has brought him.

"How's your body?" Harry finally asks, breaking the silence.

Louis doesn't have to think twice. "I feel like I got hit by a bus."

"And you still don't want to see a doctor or the police?" Harry inquires uncertainly, ever on guard. Louis knows that he treats him with kid gloves and Harry must be unsure how to act around him. He would love to take all of that away from Harry, make him believe that he's still the best thing in his life and take away so much of his pain just by being there.

"No, dear," Louis shakes his head and smiles apologetically at him.

Harry sighs but nods and Louis snuggles a little more against the arm of the sofa, trying to find a position that doesn't make his body ache.

"Lou, I don't know where to begin, but -" Harry stammers, and Louis knows exactly how he feels. "Do you think we can ever, um, be more again? I mean what do you want from me? You can be honest, I promise I won't be mad."

Suddenly a hand on his leg, gently stroking down to his ankle, grasping his foot and beginning to massage it. Louis doesn't know if it's for his comfort or for Harry's sake.

"I don't know if it makes sense to you. My mind is in overdrive but I'm trying anyway. You know I still love you," Louis says softly, searching Harry's eyes. Soft breath escapes the full lips and Louis would like to stroke them with his fingers. "But I die a little every day from my guilt towards you. And also towards Jake. Can I blame him for treating me like this? He must have felt that I never loved him like I loved you. Almost despised him for the past few months. I was partly to blame. Likewise for abandoning you at such a young age."

"I failed you as well. You can't imagine how much I blame myself for it. And I can understand your decision back then," Harry replies quickly, but Louis puts up a hand to stop him.

"To be honest, I don't understand anything anymore. How it all came about. How I could ever get involved with Jake. Why did I destroy everything? I'll probably drive even my mother crazy, the meeting really opened my eyes. It was never what I wanted. I also don't understand how you can sit here with me, giving yourself back to me so willingly even though I don't deserve it. It doesn't make any sense at all," and here Louis's voice breaks. As is his self control and once again he can't hold back his tears. He hates crying all the time and being so weak. It's almost unbearable and Louis doesn't know what to hold on to other than this small glimmer of hope that his life with Harry might be good again one day. Though on the other hand he thinks he must be completely insane to believe that.

"Darling, come here," Harry pleads, pulling him towards him. Arms wrap around him as he buries his head into him and sobs softly.
"Shh, calm down. How do I get it into your head that it's not your fault the way Jake treated you? And that I love you, always have - you can accept that I still want you as much as I did then. That you would make me so happy if you gave us this chance. I'll wait for many more years until you're ready."