Calm after the Storm

It's all good - or is it?

Tell me that you're still mine
Tell me that we'll be just fine
Even when I lose my min.
I need to say
Tell me that it's not my fault
Tell me that I'm all you want
Even when I break your heart

I need to say, hey
It's all me in my head
I'm the one who burned us down
But it's not what I meant
Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you
I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you
I need to say, hey
It's all me, just don't go
Meet me in the afterglow

(Afterglow - Taylor Swift)

[Harry]

Things were good. At least judging by Louis' mental and physical condition. But the more calm comes and Harry is no longer constantly on high alert, he starts to think. About how he didn't get the balance between his internship and Louis back then. About the fact that it was precisely this circumstance that made all these horrible events possible. The only reason why Louis thought he needed to distract himself with sex with Jake -Louis recently told him the story of how the two got together in the first place- and how he tried to mend his broken heart (thanks to Harry) with Jake, preferring his first loving attentions and was so driven by his own guilt that he later endured the violence.

Harry tries not to show anything in front of Louis, is far too thankful for the fact that he wakes up next to him in the morning after a good night's sleep, grins most of the day and sometimes drives him crazy with his cheeky manner. There's suddenly so much of the old Louis to see again. And what kind of boyfriend would Harry be to spoil that by choking him on his own guilt? Louis has endured so much worse over the years than what's nagging Harry.

Both spend most of their weekdays outdoors. The beautiful days must be used, autumn is just around the corner and Louis has such fun while they play soccer together. Mostly to his own chagrin because Harry is so clumsy and Louis has an easy time with him. But as a result, Louis often bursts out laughing more than once, throwing his head back and holding his stomach, or rushing around him cheering when he's scored between two trees they always use as a goal. These hours with him are so precious for himself, because that's how he always wants to see Louis.

But Harry also notices how Louis occasionally smokes a cigarette tensely. Mostly alone when Harry is cooking something for both of them and he just keeps glancing through the balcony door. Then Louis sits there and absently looks up at the sky, cigarette in one hand and tapping a fast beat on his leg with the other.

Harry really tries not to storm out all worried every time and beg to know what's on his mind. Louis is no longer reserved towards him and often talks like a waterfall, of what burns on his soul, also a suggestion from his therapist, who once again made it clear to him how important it is for the two of them to communicate honestly with each other. And that's why he allows him these moments, even if it's difficult not to hug Louis right away. Harry doesn't want to take him over completely and knows that Louis also has a right to these private moments.

And yet he knows where it comes from. What makes Louis nervous for the past few days. Jake's trial is coming up and Louis is called as a witness. He could even have attended the hearing via video link, but Louis just shook his head at his lawyer's suggestion. "No, I'm tired of looking weak. I face him with my head held high. And even if I collapse afterwards, I won't give him the satisfaction," he replied stubbornly at the time. Harry just stared at him with his mouth open and was so incredibly proud of this man who was such a fighter. Above all, with the knowledge that not a few months earlier, Louis had actually given up and wanted to end his life. That knowledge alone makes Harry cringe every time it crosses his mind. A world without Louis would be a sad place and Harry would probably have died with him. A thousand little deaths every day without him with no hope of ever seeing him again - unlike when they were separated. Harry always had the certainty buried somewhere in himself that he would see him again one day, but the reality behind it was just too bitter and a great price to pay for Harry's career.