Calm after the Storm

Trapped in yesterday

Everybody wants easy
But it's not like that, believe me
Oh, it's fleeting
You've been in this rut for a long time

You look perfect, and you're worth it
But inside I know you're hurting
Are you eating?
Are you sleeping alright?

So I said
I know you're tired, I know you're anxious
You wanna die, don't wanna say it

It's in your eyes, you're giving up this time
Ooh, I won't let you do it
I know it's a lot sometimes, we'll get you through it
And I barely recognize ya
I want you to be okay, so I'll remind ya
Just want you to be
Okay

(OK - Jeremy Zucker)

[Harry]

For the past week, Harry has been taking care of Louis on a daily basis, cuddling him when he needed it, giving him space when he was sitting in thought, mostly on the balcony smoking. The number of cigarettes Louis is currently smoking is something Harry notes with concern, but doesn't want to blame him. And so he brings him a new pack every day when he comes home from grocery shopping or from a meeting with producers. Harry also cooked for him every day, made sure he eats at least three full meals and is relieved to see that Louis actually eats the food with more appetite and not as listless as before.

It's small steps and Harry could actually be happy that they find each other again, that it's so easy. And yet Harry feels exactly that Louis is holding back, sees how the mood fluctuates throughout the day. If Louis just cuddles up to him for a minute with a satisfied smile, it often happens that shortly afterwards a shadow falls over his face. Harry never knows whether to bring it up at moments like this, knowing that Louis doesn't want to talk about what has happened over the last few years. And it worries him so damn much.

Because how long can Louis keep that to himself, lock it up inside before it erupts out of him? When Louis sometimes falls asleep on the sofa during the day because he can't get any rest at night - also something that worries Harry - he sits next to him and googles his fingers sore. How he can help Louis, how he can support him. He also found a self-help group for people who have experienced violence in their relationships. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to bring it up to Louis without him immediately denying it.

The incident after which Louis panicked has of course not been addressed since then either. It's like a silent agreement that they both leave it at kissing and cuddling, neither initiates any more. Harry can live with that, would if necessary get by without sex and with secret wanking in the shower for Louis sake until the end of his life. But he knows that's not the point, that Louis shouldn't live forever with this great fear he seems to have. God, he hates Jake so much. He hopes what he suspects isn't true, that Jake didn't go so far and in a cruel way as it indicated Louis panic when Harry touched him.

Harry tries not to show all his worries and thoughts to Louis, instead he cheers him up and they only talk about light topics. But today, when Louis is back for his shift in the Café for the first time after his week's vacation, Harry collapses for the first time. He quietly sheds a few tears on the sofa, letting his head fall against the back of it in emotional exhaustion. Louis was right, he's not the same as he used to be, but Harry is sure they can grow together even more during this difficult time. Because despite everything, nothing and nobody makes him as damn happy as Louis, he loves nothing more. And yet ... Anne was right too. Harry needs to take care of himself, because it's so hard to see that the person you love isn't doing well and there's not much you can do to make them feel better.