the boundless mysteries of life; goodbye is one word and we only shared one glance. then our hands parted and we turned away. and i feel a tight ball of emotion in my chest. bittersweet but more than that. i need something to look forward to. i need to know that this goodbye is not the end of me. i need to remember that life is endlessly mysterious and it moves like a river down a perilous hill. meanders await me. i must trust. i must wait. i mustn't pin all my heartache on this singular grief. i wish someone taught me how to let go. it seems a sliver of the other always, always remains in me. whether that's normal or not, doesn't matter. i'm just sad. there is nothing else to be said. 12:56
affections of eight years; a silver cup; baby pink sky; inside jokes in an empty room; familiar eyes familiar profiles; crowded cars and cheery homes; sad days and bad days, of eight years, forever ago, right next to me, 4 am and the red ceiling stars, the breakups and makeups; the deep end of the pool, laughter bubbling up to the surface; eight years ago we were right here. when we sang songs together and when we turned our faces away from each other. disillusioned and disparaged; so much love that there are no places to put it anymore and so fucking full of rage at the same time and i am a walking supernova; i feel alien and i feel accepted. i feel uncomfortable and i feel comforted. i feel like a strange solitary girl on an even stranger solitary planet. i remember the full faces, the fuller laughs. i remember the first day and i will remember the last. i remember the first time i broke your trust and i will remember the last time we looked at each other and smiled unsurely. i miss what hasn't happened yet. i miss you in the future. i am nostalgic for a movie scene we were never part of. the heart of the city, where the crowd was loud around us. there is something missing; something lost; something taken; something phantom. i reach for it at this hour, this moment, and my hand closes around nothing. smoke billows out. you never liked cigarettes. i wonder if you liked me. i know that i was always reaching for you. so unsure. so childish. my heart is breaking and it is mending. i am falling to the floor and i'm having sweet dreams. i'm leaving and i'm becoming anew. i'm your best friend and you are mine. for today, at least. and i know i'll see you soon. i trust. and i miss you. that is my concluding note. i miss you i miss you i miss you. tu me manques, i love how the french say it. you are missing from me. an inside joke, a love letter, the setting sun, and conversations amongst friends. i miss you; i love you; i cherish you; i'll see you. 13:24
