She can tell those three words turn me on and I know she's trying to hide a smile. Slowly, her hand travels up my chest, starting at my lower abdomen, and working up to the center-making me want to shiver at her light caress. She sticks out her fing...
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"You ready?" I ask Auggie, and he nods. I shove about 100 dollars into my back pocket to go to the store. Auggie says, 'Be right back, momma!' and runs back into our room and comes back with his stuffy paw held tight as he reaches to hold my hand. I buckle Auggie in his car seat, and we're off.
Auggie's baseball cap covers his curls, and he looks like a cutie sitting in the back of the cart as we walk down the aisles, grabbing a couple of t-shirts, shorts, pants, and pj's in my son's size. I can see him getting anxious after he spots the toy section, so I move the cart to the toy aisle, his eyes widening in joy at the array of extraordinary, colorful objects that line the shelves.
His hands are gripping the side of the cart so hard his knuckles, still fat with childhood, are turning white. His mouth is wide open, and he points at some of them every few seconds and says, "Momma, look! Look at that one!". He goes quiet after a while, and I know he's trying to work up the courage to ask me if he can get a toy today, but he's so polite I don't think he ever will unless I say something.
"Auggie, baby. You wanna get one?"
He turns to me, and his eyes go wide. Brown eyes look straight into mine, and he smiles all teeth. I allow him out of the cart, and he runs back and forth, scanning each item before he grabs a small, fuzzy cow stuffy. I smile at the happiness on his face when he hands it to me, and I place the toy in the cart as I help him back into his seat.
I was heading to the store's food section when I heard a voice behind me.
"Hey!" I turn around to see a tall man looking at the ground. His face is covered by a baseball cap, like Auggie's. "You dropped this," he says as he hands me Auggie's stuffy.
"Uh, thanks," I say, looking at him. He never lifts his head from looking at the ground. He walks off, and I shake my head. Weird. "Baby, don't forget Joey Kitty."
He quickly takes Joey Kitty from my hand and hugs him to his chest. We finish our groceries, and Auggie helps me put them in the car, grabbing the lighter ones. I put Auggie back in his car seat, pushed the cart into the nearest corral, and left the store.
I can hear, from the backseat, Auggie playing with his stuffies- getting into conversations with the two characters about whatever comes to mind. But then he speaks up, asking, "Momma?"
"Yes, baby?" I answer.
"What was it like when I was born?" He plays with one curl of his hair, twisting it around his finger.
"My belly started hurting, so I knew you were coming. Your Aunt Penelope, Emily, and Jennifer helped me to a hospital room, and we waited a long time for you to come. Aunt Emily held my hand as you were coming, and when you were finally here, you were so small you could almost fit in the palm of my hand."
"Show me?" He asks, and as we stop at a red light, I show him my palm. He gasps and leans forward, putting his face against it, making me laugh.
"The doctors cleaned you up, and people checked to ensure you were okay. You were so little they had to put you in a machine called a big word. You want to hear it?"
"Yeah!"
"It's called an 'incubator.'"
"Inkubator." he tries to say, and I reach back, giving him a high-five.
"Great job, buddy! You were in the incubator, so you could grow enough that I could hold you."
He nods, and I watch in the rearview mirror as his eyebrows crease together. I ask him, "What is it, baby?" and he asks,
"Momma, where was Daddy?"
"Oh, um, Daddy didn't go to the hospital."
"Why?"
"Because he was working."
He quiets for a second and then, "Momma...does daddy love me?"
That question hits me like a freight train. I can feel my eyes welling up with tears as he awaits my answer. "Of course, he does, buddy." I can hear the waver in my voice. I knew he would ask this question one day. I didn't think that day would be right now.
"Then why does he never see me?"
"Well, when you were born, Daddy was working, and he got so sad he wasn't there when you came that he decided to go away for a while."
"Will he come back?" My heart sinks after his little question. It feels like my throat is closing up at the utter sadness in his voice as he looks out the window without a care in the world, his feet bouncing along to the music coming from the radio. He wants an answer I can't give him.
"I don't think so bud. But he does love you lots and lots, I know that. And if he does ever come back, you can be the first to hug him, okay?"
"Okay." His hopeful face falls slightly, and he sighs, "Just that...my friends at daycare have daddies and not me." He tells me. He isn't sad, no, just curious. I wish he was old enough so I could say to him what really happened. "Want a daddy," he mumbles, more to himself than to me.
I hold back tears for his sake and swallow the lump in my throat. "Well, if it makes you feel better, I have an old t-shirt of Daddy's if you want it?"
He nods his head and keeps bouncing his legs to the music. As I round the block to our apartment, Auggie's instantly asleep in his car seat.
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