Secrets I Have Held In My Heart

Chapter 77

  "You look like you were in the Avengers movie, mama!" Auggie says as I guide him into the kitchen and I nod as he looks over the damage on my body: the bruises and cuts. I make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with his milk for lunch. He plays with one of his action figures, slamming it onto the countertop. "Hulk smash!!" he growls, his Hulk toy jumping up and down on the kitchen island.

  "Hey, baby, be careful you need to eat. How about Hulk down."

Auggie nods, putting Hulk down and bowing his head to do his little prayer he's recently started. I close my eyes to join him but my mind is blank. Elle comes in with Spencer from getting groceries and gawks at my battered state. I take the bags from her.

  "Well, hello there Cami." She rests her head on my shoulder and it's a comfort for my jumbled thoughts. I nod vaguely, not giving her my answer while watching Auggie finish his food with his stuffed kitty Joey Kitty on his lap.

  "Can you watch him for me? I'll be right back."

  "Of course."

I nod, kissing Auggie before I make my way out of the kitchen and into Spencer's bedroom that's now become mine. Auggie has his bedroom all to himself but he still decides to sleep with us.

I pause in the doorway, my gaze falling upon Spencer's sleeping form. A pang of guilt and tenderness tugs at my heart as I take in the sight of him- his brow furrows, dark circles marring the delicate skin beneath his eyes.

I know he hasn't been sleeping well, not since I've been gone. The weight of his worry and grief has etched itself into every line of his face, a constant reminder of the torment I have put him through.

Crossing the room, I perch on the edge of the bed, my eyes drinking in the familiar contours of his features. How I've ached to see him, to feel the comfort of his embrace but now I just feel completely broken. Reaching out, I gently brush a stray curl away from his forehead, my fingertips skimming his skin.

Even in his slumber, Spencer seems tense, his body coiled tight as if bracing for another blow of some sort. My heart clenches at the sight, a wave of guilt and remorse washing over me. I had done this to him, to them both. If only I had been stronger, smarter, faster- maybe I could have prevented this torment.

As my fingers trace the line of his jaw, he stirs, his eyes fluttering open. For a moment, he seems disoriented, his gaze unfocused. Then, recognition dawns, and I watch as a myriad of emotions played across his face- relief, joy, disbelief, and sadness.

  "Hey, everything alright?" he asks, his voice rough with sleep and emotion. In an instant, he's sitting up.

  "No. I wanted to talk but I didn't want to wake you." I murmur. I make a quick second decision and press my lips against the curve of his neck. I haven't kissed him since I got back. I pull back, looking at him before I nod and his hand tangles in my hair as he presses fevered kisses to my face.

  "What did you want to talk about." He rasps, pulling back to look at me.

  "Nothing, I can tell you tomorrow," I say, kissing his forehead. His arms tighten around me, and I feel the tension in his body slowly beginning to unravel. With a soft sigh, he buries his face in the crook of my neck, his breath warm against my skin.

I hold him close, my fingers tenderly card through his hair. I hear his heartbeat echo in my ears, I feel a glimmer of hope, a promise that can weather any storm, as long as we have each other. I press a gentle kiss to her forehead, allowing my eyes to drift shut, savoring the comfort of his embrace. For the first time in weeks, I feel the weight on my shoulders start to life, the constant fear and anxiety beginning to unravel.

~~~~~

I sit in the shower, letting the water run down my back as I sit facing the wall. No matter how much I wash myself I still feel their blood, I still feel Enzo's hands on me and the way he grabbed me by my own throat. The curtain opening is what pulls me from my thoughts. There stands Auggie, clothes already off.

  "Hey, monkey." I say, smiling a tight smile. I hope I would get something out of him, maybe a tight smile back but I don't. Guilt hits me, I got us into this mess. This is all my fault and now my son has to pay for my mistakes. "Come here."

Once he sees I'm okay, he races over, climbing into the shower with me. The water is too hot for him and he yelps, turning it down. "Too hot, mommy." I don't answer him, I just lay my head against the back of the shower, closing my eyes when he begins to run his fingers through my hair. "I take care of you mamma."

I squeeze my eyes tightly, not wanting to fall apart in front of him. I'm supposed to be the strong one but I've never felt weaker. I feel like with one more hit I can fall apart into a million pieces. That I am still a few cracks away from shattering. I feel like I am still in Enzo's grasp.

  "I love you lots and lots, monkey, you know that right?" My voice breaks. He tells me he loves me too and after I shut the water off, I pull him into my arms, hugging him as tight as I can. Afraid that he'll be ripped from my arms once more. "And I hope you know that you're my everything. I can't live without you, baby." he hugs me back just as tight, letting me know that he thinks the same.

I dry off and head back into the room after brushing my teeth, he plays with his toys on Spencer and I's bed, speaking silently to his Black Panther action figure. I dress quickly right as Spencer walks in.

  "Can I help?" Spencer asks. Auggie nods and so do I and Spencer begins to braid my hair. Auggie helps him, making my hair look less like a mess and I just sit there, enjoying it.

  "Thank you," I whisper, I don't even know if they can hear it but they do. Auggie says you're welcome mama back and Spencer kisses the side of my neck.

  "You're welcome." 

Authors Note: Listening to Matilda by Harry Styles while writing this before work was not a good option