— dean. —
dean never thought he could fall in love.
like really, fall in love.
like the head over heels,
cupid shot him type of love,
crying when you miss them type of love.
but he was, with a pretty boy angel in a lame trench coat. there was no point in denying it to himself any longer.
but here he is in his bedroom, convincing himself that what happened a few hours ago was a nightmare. that castiel and he are still in whatever thing they're in. that he didn't push away the one man he truly cares about. that he didn't break the angels—who he fucking adores, heart.
each time he convinces himself that he had a shitty, world-shattering nightmare. he'll shut his eyes tight, force himself to picture castiel holding him while watching scooby doo and tom & jerry reruns, trying to dream of the good times as he has been for the past four days. but every time he closes his eyes and tries to sleep, he's always brought back to the cold harsh reality. it was almost two in the morning, and his mind was playing reruns of:
"being sweet, and kind, like.. like a boyfriend. cause that's not what we are."
"it didn't mean anything."
"we're friends, cas. i don't love you like that."
"it meant... nothing to you."
dean sighed heavily as he opened his eyes, rolling his body over as he grabbed his pillow before slamming his head into it, groaning loudly. "why did i say that? why did i fucking say that?" dean replied out loud to himself before smashing his head over and over into his pillow, repeating the word, "stupid," over and over. he guesses this is a better treatment than crying his eyes out anymore, it had gotten to the point that his eyes were puffy from crying so much, and he had a massive headache, he still does, which slamming his face into his pillow probably isn't good for that.
he can't sleep. his mind isn't going to let him sleep.
"i gotta talk to him." dean muttered to himself, trying to rack his brain for anything he can say that will cancel out the fucking, "it didn't mean anything to me." but there's nothing. maybe he could be honest and tell castiel he's in love with him, but that's not all that great of an idea either. each option has the risk of losing cas, even though he already did.
but all he can do is convince himself that castiel wasn't hurt by what he said, that he didn't believe what he said, but once he thinks this, his thoughts wander off to the dreadful broken look on the angel's face when he said that, all because he was fucking mad at him for answering a question that dean set up as a trap anyway.
the whole thing was stupid anyhow. asking stupid questions trying to gauge if castiel had feelings for him if not, why doesn't he just fucking ask? "no, he wouldn't ever feel the same." dean tells himself, and it's true, and as much as it hurts, he can't be upset with castiel for not returning his feelings, or being upset with him for having sex with him when dean was the one who started all of this, he leaned over and kissed him, he's the one that started this, but he's stubborn, so he doesn't care to tell himself that.
he wants to say that castiel overreacted, that the whole thing was blown out of proportion, but it's not. anyone would agree that dean was in the wrong in this situation, so why is he mad at castiel for leaving his room? he just stood there and told him he didn't love nor think spending time meant anything to him, it made sense. dean honestly would've punched him if their places were reversed, he kinda wishes cas did. maybe he would've had some common sense.
