— dean. —
dean's never been in love before,
not completely anyways.
back in high school, he thought he was.
he thought he was in love with cassie,
but it was just the first girl in his life.
the first girl who asked him out,
regardless of his reputation in high school.
but it felt like he could love her,
but not with the life he has.
he figured it would be easy to find some girl to love.
dean never had an issue getting girls.
he was handsome, and he was funny.
ladies loved him.
a few years later, he thought he was in love with lisa, but he was just fulfilling a promise he made to sammy. he thought he could love her too, but there's never been that feeling. he enjoyed having a normal life for that year, but there was always something creeping up in the back of his mind, he could look at lisa and think, "wow, she's beautiful," but he never once thought he could look at her in that kind of way, love her that way, that feeling.
that feeling everyone describes in the movies, that scary feeling when you know you're in love. that feeling where you rethink every sentence that comes out of your mouth to them. that feeling where you're sacrificing things to let that person be happy. that feeling when you miss them so badly, you feel like you're dying. that feeling where you would lay down your life for them because you love them so much.
dean's never felt that way, not truly. he's never had that person, a relationship where i could never worry about losing them. a person that i can be completely honest with, a person that he could trust wholeheartedly,
besides his brother. not until then, not until he met a heartless angel with the bluest eyes known to man.
the time he met castiel was a feeling he couldn't begin to describe. it filled every brim of his soul. the kind of feeling where you were scared but exhilarated, he found that being around the angel made him feel strange. he found himself looking at the angel's lips often. he found himself having to restrain himself from making stupid mistakes sometimes. he found himself thinking about him, sometimes fantasizing about him. a feeling so vividly intense, but he couldn't put a name to it.
dean never tried to think about why his body instinctively acted in a sort of way, or why his thoughts would fill up with the angel. but he assumed it was the angel part, a being so powerful that his entire being couldn't come to terms with it because it couldn't be that. he couldn't possibly be attracted to him, he was a celestial being, he wasn't human, and he was in the vessel of a man. he was a man. he couldn't fall for a man, his dad had spent years drilling rules and expectations in his head, so he wasn't going to start thinking stupid about some scrawny angel in a dirty trench coat with stupidly beautiful blue eyes.
not until now.
not until castiel rebelled for dean.
not until he killed for him. not until the flames lit up insane blue eyes, golden orbs dancing in his irises. dean could tell. dean could tell he was sorry. he could tell he thought he was doing the right thing. that he was willing to sacrifice anything to save heaven. but dean couldn't shake the feeling that castiel had lied to him.
even after castiel continued to fight by his side, stand with him and sacrifice anything to do right by him. even when he was cruel to cas, he never stopped caring about him, and those stupid thoughts continued regardless of the self-torture he inflicted on himself, the reminders that his dad would be so fucking disappointed that he had the hots for a man, all he could do is tell himself to think about was the way his dad treated him after finding out about noah.
