lovely | thirteen reasons why

(8) in memory of jeff atkins

Libby was emotionally exhausted as she walked into school today. She didn't wanna see Clay. Sure, he stopped yelling at her, blaming her for what happened. She knows there needs to be responsibility for her part in Hannah's suicide, but to hear the heartbreaking screams from her brother were only making things destructive. And she's never felt like that before.

She thought her day would be easy. Yes, she was still suspended. At least it was in-school, so she could be around people and not go to class. She does that already! Clay was the one not in school today, which meant she wanted to keep her eyes on what the loser club was up to. Beyond that, she needed a distraction.

The school had put up new posters today. To prevent drunk driving. Right next to suicide prevention. Because their school cared so much after these things took two innocent lives.

But it wasn't drunk driving. At least, that's what she hopes. She remembers when she saw Clay after that night and he swears Jeff told him he wasn't drinking at the party. And after hearing Sheri's tape, her resolve in that had grown. Not that she could verify.

It kills her. According to Tyler, Jeff had gotten her away from Bryce, protected her and stayed with her until Tyler picked her up. It's hard for her brain not to think if she had not needed an escort and Jeff was able to leave earlier, before Sheri knocked over the stop sign, he'd still be alive. She can't remember that night. And worse off, she can't remember the last moments she spent with someone who had become one of her closest friends.

Libby remembers when she first came to Liberty and all her old friends had abandoned her. All except Justin. Then Justin introduced her to Bryce, and Bryce Monty and Zach. Spending time with so many jocks inspired her to join the cheerleading squad, which gave her an escape from home. That's when she met Jeff. He wasn't in the big friend group, and it made sense. Bryce and his boys gave an energy that always made Jeff uncomfortable. Libby could see where he was coming from. Because after losing her virginity to Justin freshman year, that was the first time her friends called her a notorious whore. Jeff found her hiding under the bleachers and offered to take her to Monet's as a cheering up. That's how they became friends. It's funny how she starts every year thinking things would be better with her friends, only for reality to come crashing down. So she spent her first semester of high school inseparable from Jeff Atkins. They would talk, fuck, and be idiots. She liked being around him, how he made her feel. She felt like no matter what she did, he would never judge her. She felt safe.

But that was ultimately the problem. She liked him too much. And all she could think about was the promise she made to her 6 year old self. She couldn't risk falling for him. He didn't deserve that. Jeff was an honest, caring, good man and he deserved to have a normal life. A happy life. So she ghosted him, as much as she could considering they both were in the same school. She preferred for him to think she was some heartless bitch, than him trying to convince her they should remain friends. She didn't want any chance to fall in love with him. But of course, Jeff Atkins is an amazing person and he refused to hate her no matter how hard she tried.

Libby thinks in the end she did love him. Not the way she feared, in the end it was Tyler to break the rules and be the first person to die for. But he was one of her best friends. She loved him the way she loved Clay. Which is a big compliment cause Clay is her fucking brother. That familial love was built over a decade.

But now he's gone, he's been dead for almost two months now. As is Hannah. Two kids with the world at their feet are gone and all Liberty does is put up posters meant to make us forget our grief.

She watched as Sheri locked eyes with her. This was Libby's chance. She approached Sheri carefully. "Haven't seen you much since I got the tapes. Any reason why that is?"