lovely | thirteen reasons why

(35) so many suspects

Things have been getting better since Tyler let go of the gun. The last shred of his suicidal ideas had vanished as he vowed to live. Not for Libby, but for himself. And that had ignited a fire within him that brought about more confidence. He was beginning to feel free. Though he knew that feeling would vanish the next time he had to lock eyes with his demons, when he was away from school nothing could touch him. And he had begun to once again use that fire with passion.

Tyler and Libby had begun to rebuild the sexual aspects of their relationship slowly. He still had trouble growing an erection, though he promised her that he felt the sparks when they were close. He wanted to focus his energy on pleasuring her. However, Libby still felt uncomfortable getting felt by him when she couldn't return the favor. So they had graduated solely to heavy makeouts and petting as they held each other close. It reminded both of them so much of the early days of sneaking kisses in the dark room at lunch time. That nostalgia was definitely making this phase far sexier than it probably was. No matter, they were both happy.

It's not like Libby had anything better to do at the moment, because she was avoiding literally everyone. Clay and Justin accused Tyler and made him feel insecure about his place, Zach is still being Zach, Jess lied to her face all day yesterday, Tony fucking told Ani, and Ani used this information to make Tyler her suspect of the day. She wondered who today's suspect would be for the nightmare duo harassing the student body. Not that she was going to take any bait from them. But at the same time Tyler had seemed to forgive at least Clay and was spending the day either with him or developing more mystery photos for this big project he was working on that he refused to tell even her.

But there was still one person she could be around who hadn't pissed her off yesterday. Technically two, but Val doesn't really vibe with her so is hanging out with her best friend instead. Which left Libby to spend the day with Alex.

They were currently playing Rummy for chips because gambling with real money inside a school is apparently illegal. But they were both having a pretty good time. Libby hadn't spent that much personal time with Alex since the summer and she missed the lad.

Alex was conflicted, and a little confused as to why she all of a sudden wanted to spend time with him. "What's your angle here?"

Libby sighed. "Last I checked, Alex, we're friends."

He rolled his eyes. "Who haven't really spoken since school started."

She shrugged. "I've been busy with Tyler, and cheerleading, and clubs, and-"

"Jess?" He cut her off. "Is that why? Did it feel awkward?"

Libby put the cards down and grasped his hand. "Are you still using?"

Alex sighed as he nodded. "But Justin can shoot heroin and it's perfectly fine?"

She shook her head. "It's not. Justin was using the drugs as a replacement for losing Jess. But in the end, all it did was make him feel empty unless he kept taking more and more and more. It doesn't help. But hey, I'm sure you couldn't relate to that at all." He glares. "Alex, it's been an entire summer and half a semester. You have to get over her. Move on."

He yanked his hand away. "You make it sound like it's so easy! But it still fucking hurts! She lied to me, she cheated on me, all for Justin. And the reason was that I'm not him. I'm not man enough. I'm just some sad, skinny white kid!"

Libby couldn't help but laugh. "In case you haven't noticed, Justin could be described by that as well. And Clay. And Tyler. Almost half our friend group could be described as sad, skinny white boys."

Alex scoffed. "So then what am I doing wrong? Because Justin has Jess, Clay has Ani and Sheri, and Tyler has you. What am I missing?"

She thought for a moment. "Authenticity?" He looked at her confused, so she explained. "You think you can hide your emotions well, but you can't. You're in pain. A lot of pain. And you've had it for so long that you've let it consume who you are. You think the rage and sadness makes you stronger, gives you a thicker skin, but in actuality you're just repelling people who would otherwise love your personality. Because the real Alex is quirky and funny and compassionate. Like the way you stood up against the entire group for Tyler when everyone thought he relapsed. You were his hero, and so you were mine. I can see those moments because we're friends. But to outsiders you come across as someone to stay away from. You just need to learn to be vulnerable again. You don't need more muscles."