Always Then and Now

Chapter 8

HANNAH

As far as first days at new jobs went, I didn’t think mine went too badly.  Emily was understandably shy around me, but she seemed willing to try to trust me, which was the most important thing.  I attributed that to Kate; the toddler already trusted her, and Kate encouraged her to trust me as well.  It was going to take some work, but I felt like we were on the right track.

I had a lot to thank Kate for.  I wouldn’t have been able to last long at the café.  She’d taken a chance on someone she didn’t even know and had barely even spoken to, to care for her niece and, in a way, her brother too.  I would be forever grateful to her for that.  The fact that she seemed to be an incredible person on top of that made me feel especially lucky.  I’d felt an instant connection to her; I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I felt like we could become really good friends.

The only problem with this whole job was Liam, and really, he wasn’t even the problem, for the most part.  It was me.  He definitely wasn’t as open and bubbly as his sister; he was serious and controlled, and he exuded power and authority.  I couldn’t help but feel intimidated by him.  The fact that he was incredibly good-looking only made things harder.  I didn’t know how tall he was, but he was definitely over six feet, so he towered over me.  Close-cropped dark hair that looked so silky, I itched to run my fingers through it; an incredibly symmetrical face with a strong jaw line, and ice blue eyes that I swear could see right into my soul.  And yet I was supposed to interact with him without tripping all over myself?  It seemed impossible.  How was I supposed to help him forge a bond between him and his daughter when I felt so inferior to him?  Even though caring for children was an area I excelled in, my confidence plummeted the moment he was in the room.  How was I supposed to teach him anything when I felt so nervous around him that I couldn’t even look him in the eye or formulate a full sentence?

I had to push past this, somehow pretend I wasn’t filled with anxiety every time we interacted.  I just didn’t know how.  I needed and wanted this job, though.  I couldn’t screw this up.

*****

The next morning, I was awakened by the sound of Emily crying.  At first I wasn’t sure if the sound was real or if it was coming from a dream I was having.  I opened bleary eyes and glanced at the baby monitor, coming awake when I saw her on the screen, sitting up in bed, tears rolling down her face.  Quickly, I got out of bed and adjusted the shorts and tank top I wore, then hurried into her room.

“Hey Emily,” I said gently as I approached her carefully.  I couldn’t be sure she’d want me close, since she didn’t really know me yet.  She eyed me warily, though her crying subsided a little bit.  I put my hands out, palms up, and moved to crouch in front of her.  “What’s wrong, Sweetie?”

“Mama,” she wailed, and my heart ached for her.  I couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling right now, in unfamiliar surroundings and missing her mom and not understanding why she wasn’t there.

“Oh Sweetie, I know,” I whispered.  I sat on the edge of her bed and held out my arms to her.  I wasn’t sure if she’d come to me, but I wanted her to see that I was here for her.

To my surprise, she climbed into my lap and leaned against me, and I wrapped my arms around her, rocking her back fand forth as I hugged her, stroking her hair soothingly.  “It’s okay,” I crooned to her.  “I know you miss your mommy.  It’ll be okay.”

We stayed like for several more minutes, and soon she quieted, her tears subsiding.  Eventually, she moved slightly, and I pulled back and looked at her.  “Are you hungry?  How about some breakfast?”

She nodded, giving me a shy smile. 

I stood with her in my arms and changed her diaper, then grabbed one of her dolls and brought her to my room so I could quickly change before bringing her out to the kitchen.  Kate had told me yesterday that she liked peanut butter on toast, so I set her in her booster seat at the island and gave her the doll to play with, then got started on breakfast.