Always Then and Now

Chapter 7

LIAM

I wanted nothing more than to hide at work forever. Work was something I knew, where I was in control, where any surprise could be handled with relative ease.  Home, on the other hand now, was filled with uncertainty, and I hated uncertainty.  I’d had enough of it in my life to know that I’d do just about anything to never have to feel it again. 

But I’d also never shirked responsibility, and I couldn’t here either.  I’d never wanted kids, but now I had one, and there was nothing I could do to change that.  And Kate was right—we might not have had a great father growing up, but I could make sure that my own kid didn’t have a similar experience to the one I’d had. 

I had no idea how to care for children, though, especially one so young.  When Kate’s boys were young, I admittedly hadn’t interacted with them much.  I hadn’t known how.  Even now, I was largely hands-off, and I was pretty sure everyone involved was more than comfortable with that. 

But I couldn’t be hands-off with my own daughter, no matter how much I wanted to run far, far away.  I had to take responsibility.  I had to try to give her the childhood that Kate and I had never had—one with actual parents.  She’d already had one ripped away from her.  I couldn’t deprive her of another one, no matter how inept I may be.

*****

I found them in the nursery when I finally forced myself to go home.  Hannah was sitting on the floor with Emily, playing dolls with her, and Kate sat in the rocking chair, watching them with a soft smile.  All three of them glanced at me at the same time, and I immediately felt overwhelmed, a feeling of panic washing over me for a moment.  I pushed the feeling away.  I didn’t do overwhelmed.  It was unacceptable.

I gave Hannah and Emily a brief smile, and both looked at me shyly before I turned to Kate.  I could handle Kate.  “How are things going in here?” I asked, glancing at the other two again.  They’d gone back to playing again, though Hannah had a distinctly tense look about her.  I wondered why.  Things were going to be very difficult if I made her that uncomfortable every time I walked into the room.

“Well, you’ve missed dinner,” Kate said, sounding and looking unimpressed.  Uh-oh.  I was in trouble.  I may have intentionally stayed a little bit late at work in order to avoid dinner, and she’d clearly caught on.  “So, to make up for missing a meal with your daughter, why don’t you sit and play with her now?”

Only my sister had ever gotten away with speaking to me that way, putting me in my place.  But in front of an employee?  I was going to have to have a talk with her about that.  I glanced over at Hannah again, and she looked even more uncomfortable now, if that was possible.

I narrowed my eyes at Kate, and she returned my gaze coolly, her eyebrow raised in challenge.  I was not going to win this one.  With a sigh, I sat down next to Emily, and Hannah scooted back immediately and got up.  “Here, I’ll give you some time with her,” she said quietly, her face flushed.  She avoided my eyes, and I wondered again what her problem was.

“It’s fine—” I started, but she shook her head.

“I’ve got to get things ready for Emily’s bath anyway.  I’ll be right back.”  She was out of the room before I could say another word, the door closing behind her.  She was so…bizarre.

“Okay, what’s up with her?” I asked, annoyed, turning to Kate.  “It’s like she can’t even stand—”

“Daddy, shh, Daisy is sleeping,” Emily interrupted, admonishing me.  She placed her tiny hand on my arm and gestured with her other hand to a doll laying in a little toy cradle.  Then she pressed her finger to her lips and shushed me again.  It seemed like none of the women in this house were impressed with me today.