Always Then and Now

Chapter 43

LIAM

I supposed I shouldn't have been surprised when Kate stormed into the house on Saturday afternoon. She was going to find out about Hannah and me at some point. Apparently that day was today.

"What the hell did you do?!" she demanded as she descended on me in the living room. I'd just put Emily down for a nap, so now I was left to face the brunt of Kate's anger all on my own. There would be no curbing her rage.

"You're going to have to be more specific," I said idly. I, of course, knew exactly what she was talking about. Apparently, I was a masochist, needling her the way I was. I definitely deserved everything she threw at me. I didn't think I'd ever hated myself more than I did right now.

She very obviously was not impressed by my response. She looked like she could shoot lasers out of her eyes at this point. "You slept with her and then rejected her, you asshole!" She stood over me, hands on her hips. "Why the hell would you push her away when you're in love with her?"

I sighed, her words already deflating me. I couldn't argue with her when she came at me so bluntly. And I couldn't lie to her; she knew me too well. "I don't know, okay? I panicked. You know what Dad went through when he lost Mom. And you saw what I was like when I lost Monica. I just didn't think I could handle losing someone again. Especially Hannah." Even though that was exactly what had happened anyway. I pushed her away, and I lost her. God, I was such an idiot.

"So your solution was to break her heart instead?" Kate asked incredulously. "You were afraid of losing her so forced her away? Hurt her before she had the chance to hurt you? Liam, you have to know what a terrible thing that was to do to her. And you have to know what a mistake that was. She'd never hurt you like that. She loves you."

"I know. I know that now." I shoved a hand through my hair. Hannah's eyes were so expressive. I could see her love for me every time she looked at me, now that I knew what to look for. But I could also see her uncertainty, her doubt that I could love her. I didn't know how to fix that. I looked down at my hands, feeling helpless, feeling so unbelievably guilty. And so lost without her. My Sunshine. "I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I panicked, and I then said all sorts of horrible things to her that I can't take back now. God, if I could, I would. I know I made a huge mistake."

"Have you actually told her that? Have you told her that you were wrong?" Kate demanded. When I didn't respond, she sighed impatiently. "Well, you need to do something about it," Kate told me, sitting down next to me. Her expression was still hard but pleading now too as I looked back at her again.

"I don't know what I can do, Kate. I don't know how to fix it. She won't talk to me. She won't look at me. She can't even stand to be anywhere near me. How do I fix this when I can't even get close to her?" I felt defeated, hopeless.

She shook her head sadly. "I don't know, but if you don't do something soon, you're going to lose her for good." She paused, as if trying to decide whether or not to say something that was on her mind. After a moment, she steeled herself and continued, looking me directly in the eyes. "She's got a date with Nate tomorrow night."

"What?!" I started, jealousy and panic coursing through me and settling in the pit of my stomach. "Nate? Why the hell is she going out with that prick? The guy's a player! He's only going to hurt her."

"She's trying to get over you!" Kate exclaimed, exasperated. "Jai convinced her to rebound with him. I tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't listen. She thinks she can handle it."

"She can't handle him," I said flatly, scowling at the thought of him, my heart clenching, feeling desperate to save her from him. "She's too good for him. To sweet. He'll eat her up and then spit her back out when he's done with her."

"Oh, you mean kind of like what you just did to her last weekend?" Guilt speared through me, but she continued before I could say anything, glaring at me all the while. "You fucked her and then rejected her, Liam. You got what you wanted from her, and then you threw her away."

"No, that's not what happened, I swear! I just—I made a mistake. I..." I trailed off, closing my eyes so I wouldn't have to see my sister's disappointed expression anymore. I'd made such a mess of things, I didn't know how I'd be able to dig us back out.

"That's how she sees it," Kate said, and I looked at her again in spite of myself. I chewed my lip, sure I wasn't going to like what she had to say next. "She's sitting over at Jai's right now, eating ice cream and crying over you. Torn to pieces because the man she loves threw her away." She sighed and shook her head, her eyes suddenly shining with unshed tears. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet. "You were trying to protect yourself from potential heartbreak, but Liam, in protecting your heart, you broke hers in the worst way. You made her feel worthless. You made her feel like she couldn't be loved. And now she feels like she doesn't even deserve love."

"Oh God." I buried my face in my hands, my heart aching for my Sunshine. She was in pain because of me, because I'd been too afraid to trust her with my heart. Guilt ripped through me, and panic climbed up into my throat. How could I have done something so terrible to the woman I loved? I looked at my sister desperately.

"There's got to be something I can do, Kate. Please. Help me. How do I get her to listen to me? How do I get her to talk to me? How do I fix this?"

"I don't know," she said simply, sadly. "You've really fucked this one up, Liam. All I can say is keep trying. Maybe after some time, she'll listen."

I sighed, defeated. There had to be a way to get through to her. There had to be a way to fix this. There had to be a way to tell her that I'd been wrong, that I loved her, that I needed her with me. I just didn't know how.

Hannah didn't come home that night, though I wasn't surprised. Being at Jai's place already and then having game night that night, it was the perfect excuse to avoid me. Not that I thought it was an excuse. After everything that I'd done, I couldn't blame her for not wanting to be near me. I'd hurt her so deeply and seeing me would just be a reminder of that. I knew that her flight response was extremely strong. To be honest, I was a little surprised she hadn't quit and moved out already. I supposed I could thank Emily for the fact that she hadn't yet. I knew my Sunshine; she would do anything for that little girl, even stay in a place that made her miserable, just for Emily's sake. That knowledge made me love her even more.

I could admit to myself now that I was fully, completely in love with Hannah, and I was beyond angry with myself that I'd chosen to hurt her so deeply rather than admit the truth that apparently everyone else had been able to see for weeks. I'd been trying to protect myself, but that wasn't an excuse. I'd put myself above her, and that was unforgivable. God, I was a terrible person. I'd taken the best thing that'd ever happened to me and thrown her away, just as Kate had said, all in an attempt to shield myself from pain that would probably never come anyway. I knew she'd never hurt me the way I'd hurt her. I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve her light, her kindness, her love.

But I would do everything I could to try to win her back. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. This week had been miserable, and now I knew that I couldn't live without her. I needed her. I loved her. And though she was angry with me and didn't trust me anymore, I knew that she loved me too. I just had to convince her to take one more leap of faith.

*****

  A/N: Just a short one tonight because tomorrow's chapter is much longer. Tomorrow's the big date with Nate!

Seems Liam has finally seen the light. It's about time! We'll see if he does anything to win her back!

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