Always Then and Now

Chapter 28

I took care of Hannah for the rest of the day, bringing her water when she needed it, more Advil and everything else I could think of to make her feel better. I even made her soup. It wasn't nearly as good as the soup my mom used to make for me, but it was alright, and she seemed to enjoy it. Our conversation on the couch had seemed to tire her out, so she napped on and off throughout the day, but every time I suggested she go up to bed, she protested, insisting she wanted to spend time with me. I wasn't going to complain. It was the reason I'd stayed home with her in the first place.

The next day, I, of course, came down with the flu myself, as I was sure I would. I begged Kate to keep Emily until at least Monday, and then Hannah and I spent the day being miserable together. And even though we both felt like shit (which she apologized for numerous times—we'd have to work on her feelings of guilt over everything under the sun), it was nice just to have another lazy day together.

But I was also dealing with some stuff of my own and being with her complicated things a little. I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. She'd meant it platonically, I knew, but I'd felt my body react as she'd pressed those soft, full lips to mine. It'd taken everything I'd had to keep myself from hauling her against me and devouring that soft, sensuous little mouth of hers. God, even thinking about it now made me hard.

It was impossible now to deny that I was attracted to Hannah. My lower half woke up whenever she was around, especially when all she had on were those shorts and the tank top that she'd slept in. I was certain she had absolutely no idea of the effect she had on me, and her obliviousness just made me want her more. A beautiful woman who doesn't know she's beautiful? Irresistible. Suddenly, I was filled with imaginings of her wrapped around me, her bare breasts pressed against my chest, skin to skin, that soft mouth moving against my own...or on other parts of my body. The images came to me, unbidden.

Where the hell had this all come from? A few weeks ago, my feelings for her had been completely platonic. Hadn't they? I certainly hadn't been fantasizing about her like I was now. Now, after a glimpse of her body and a simple peck on the lips, all I could think about was what she'd feel like, writhing beneath me, wondering what kind of noises she'd make as I plunged deep inside of her, taking her to the edge and then over. There wasn't even any point in trying to remind myself that Hannah wasn't my type, physically, because she'd obviously become my type at some point over the past few weeks. Maybe even earlier. I had no idea.

What I did know was that I was in trouble. I wanted her so much, but I didn't want to lose this friendship I'd come to depend on. She was so important to me; I couldn't lose her. I also didn't do relationships, and Hannah wasn't even remotely interested in being friends with benefits after her experience with Mark in college, so that was out of the question. So, there was nothing I could do. We were at an impasse. Her friendship was the most important thing in the world to me—except maybe Emily, but it was really close—and I would never do anything to jeopardize that.

The only solution was to ignore my body's reactions to her in favour of preserving our friendship. I wasn't sure how exactly I was going to do that, but I foresaw a lot of late-night solo sessions and cold showers in my future, and hopefully, eventually, this physical need for her would wane.

*****

HANNAH

I shouldn't have kissed him. Goddamnit, what a monumental mistake. Don't get me wrong—that kiss, as basic as it was, was pretty incredible. I'd loved the feel of his fingers in my hair and on the back of my neck as my lips pressed against his. I'd felt the emotions flowing between us, and I was pretty sure he had too. But it didn't change the fact that I was beyond stupid for initiating it in the first place. Who kisses their friend, even a best friend, on the lips? That kind of kiss was meant for romance, for sexual attraction, which didn't exist between us, no matter how much I might secretly wish it did. I mean, the guy was my boss, for God's sake. Just stupid, stupid, stupid.

God, I hoped my stupidity wouldn't ruin our friendship. It was going to be hard enough trying to keep myself from thinking about his talented mouth on mine, fantasizing about his tongue sliding all over my body, taking me to higher and higher heights. I could feel the heat pooling between my legs just thinking about it. I had a very active imagination, which could be a real curse at times. Being as socially stunted as I was, I'd always avoided fantasizing about real people in my life, never wanting to make an awkward situation even more awkward with sexually explicit images flowing through my brain.

But I couldn't help it with Liam. I'd very stupidly given myself a little taste, and now the images, the fantasies, flowed freely through my mind. I wanted more of him, even though I knew there was zero chance of that ever happening. There was absolutely no way a man like him would ever be attracted to a woman like me—and Roger's remarks on that first day, the day of my interview, served to remind me of that fact whenever I felt myself beginning to hope. I had to do everything I could now to shut down any fantasies of him before they even began, or I'd be in big trouble. I just had to tamp it all down, pretend any such feelings didn't exist. Liam had become a dear friend, a best friend, second only to Jai, and I would do everything in my power to protect that friendship. There was no way I was going to let my deeper feelings get in the way.

*****

LIAM

Things were a tiny bit awkward between Hannah and me in the days following the kiss. Not enough that we avoided each other or anything, but there was a subtle nervousness about her that I could see whenever our eyes met. She'd always had trouble making eye contact, but now it was even worse. She could hardly look me in the eye at all. We still joked around and even cuddled on the couch together—I somehow felt the need to be even closer to her now, fearing the possibility of her pulling away and desperate to keep that from happening—but she always started off feeling a little bit stiff and skittish until she felt comfortable enough to settle in against me like she always had before.

I supposed I shouldn't have been surprised—we'd come a hell of a long way since we'd first met. I felt like the kiss had made us backslide a little bit, but I wasn't going to let her regress any further back. I wasn't going to let one simple kiss interfere with our friendship, and I was pretty sure she had the same mindset.

Neither of us ever brought it up again; we both just pretended it'd never happened in the first place, though it was difficult, because every time she pouted those lips, all I could think about was kissing them. Before long though, things started falling back into place again. She grew more comfortable with me once more, and I couldn't have been more relieved. I was ready to go back to plain old friendship with Hannah, attraction be damned.