Always Then and Now

Chapter 13

LIAM
If I’d thought that the events of yesterday would bring Hannah out of her shell, I’d been greatly mistaken.  She was just as closed off the next morning as she’d always been, if not more so.  I could tell by her expression that she still felt embarrassed and guilty over what had happened the day before, and I also knew that trying to reassure her again wouldn’t work.  So, I didn’t bring it up at all. She focused solely on Emily, whether because of the guilt she felt or because she was avoiding talking directly to me, I didn’t know.  It was frustrating.  Kate had told me to gently draw her out, but I didn’t know how.  She was clamped up tighter than anything, with seemingly no way of getting in.

And the thing was, I hadn’t even meant to hug her the night before, but she’d been so panicked, practically hyperventilating, and I’d felt a sudden need to comfort her, to take her pain away, especially since it’d been my fault that she was panicking in the first place.  I hadn’t even thought about the fact that she’d think Emily was missing when she woke up without her.  All I’d been thinking about was letting her sleep, since she’d had such a rough night, the night before. 

So I’d hugged her and held her close, and I’d felt her shaking as she’d tried to catch her breath.  I’d never been able to handle the sight of a woman crying, and this one was crying because of something I’d done.  I’d had to comfort her, and I had to admit, it felt good to help her through it, to help ease her panic.  I’d felt like we’d shared a real moment between us and thought she might start to trust me a little more, so when she was even more withdrawn at breakfast, it left me feeling so frustrated.

I left for work with that frustration, and it stayed with me all day.  I should have been working, but I couldn’t get Hannah out of my mind.  What the hell was happening to me?  This was two days in a row now that Hannah had consumed my thoughts while I tried to work.  I was getting further and further behind, but I couldn’t seem to help myself.  She was locked in there.  I wracked my brain, trying to think of a way to get through to Hannah, which was difficult when I knew next to nothing about her.  But then it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt so stupid for not having thought of it before.  Ask her about herself, moron!  God, how could I have been so self-centered that it hadn’t even crossed my mind before now?  Almost a week in, and I’d barely asked her anything about herself.  That would change tonight.  I’d draw her out of her shell if it was the last thing I did.  I was determined.

Except she wasn’t there when I got home.  I stepped through the door and was greeted by Emily and Kate in the living room, not Hannah.  I removed my shoes and joined them.

“Where’s Hannah?” I asked as I sat down on the couch, smiling distractedly at Emily as she and Kate played with Sesame Street puppets. 

“She said she needed to take care of something at home and asked if I’d sub in for her,” Kate told me, and I groaned.  She misinterpreted the sound.   “What?  She does get two nights off every week, you know.”

“No, it’s not that.  I just know why she wanted time away from here.  She’s avoiding me.”  She came to sit beside me as I explained the situation from yesterday, and Kate got a chuckle out of it, to my annoyance.  I glared at her, then sighed.  “I hope she’s not going to quit on me.  Emily’s become attached to her already, and it’s hard to find someone who is that good with kids who is also willing to move in here to play full-time nanny.”

“Wow, your tone sure has changed in the past few days,” Kate teased.  She waved me off and shook her head when I shot her a dirty look.  “Oh, you’ll be fine, don’t worry.  She probably just doesn’t know how to act around you now.  She showed you full emotions yesterday.  Showed you what she’s like at possibly her worst, and it’s probably super embarrassing for her.  It’s going to take some time for her to figure out how to just…be around you.  She’ll come around though.  She can’t avoid you forever.”