Always Then and Now

Chapter 19

HANNAH

"Okay, so you've got dinner, then bath, then bedtime," I said nervously, ticking the points off my fingers one by one. "And then don't forget to turn on the monitor and turn the volume up so you'll be able to hear it when you're sleeping— "

"Hannah," Liam interrupted with an exasperated laugh. "I think I can figure out how to take care of my own kid, especially when she's going to spend most of the time asleep."

I blushed, and nodded, embarrassed. "I know, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry. It's just that this is your first time on your own and— "

"Hannah," he said again catching my eye and holding my gaze with his own. He was far too good at it. It worked, of course. I shut up.

"If anyone should be nervous, it should be me, and I'm not. We've got this. Emily and I are gonna have a great time tonight, aren't we, Em?" He smiled at her as he held her in his arms. She nodded, and he kissed her cheek.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm my anxiety. Then I nodded. "Okay. You're right. Of course, you're right." I picked up my messenger bag and slung it over my shoulder. "If you need anything— "

"Go, Sunshine," he said firmly and ushered me out the door. "Have fun. Play games. Crush my sister's will to live."

I laughed as I stepped into the garage and headed for my beat-up little car. "Alright, alright, I'll try, though crushing spirits is not really my kind of thing. That's more up Jai's alley." I waved to the two of them. "See you later! Have fun!" They waved back as I got into the car and drove off.

*****

The house felt odd without Hannah. Too big. She'd only been here for a couple weeks so far, but already, the place felt empty without her presence. What had I done in the evenings before she and Emily had come into my life? I could scarcely remember. Worked, probably. A one-night-stand here and there, when I needed it, but not here in this house. That had always been done in a hotel or at her place. I didn't share my bed with anyone. Not since Monica. I didn't want anyone to get the wrong impression. A relationship just wasn't for me.

Dinner with Emily had passed quickly and uneventfully, as had bath and bedtime. Now Emily was asleep, and I was stuck with nothing to do. Was this what parenting did to you? Made you lose the ability to function when the kids weren't around? But I'd had no problem in the evenings over the past week. Hannah had spent hours teaching and challenging me to new games, and the time had flown by. Thinking about it now, I realized that over the past few days at work, I'd been looking forward to, even eager to come home and spend time with my girls.

It was even more of a shock to realize that that was how I was starting to think of them—my girls. Emily, of course, made sense, but Hannah? I realized that somehow, over the past week especially, we'd actually started to become friends. There was a comfort level developing between us that I really appreciated. It was needed when you lived with someone, even in an employer/employee dynamic.

I never thought I'd be comfortable living with anyone. Even with Monica, it hadn't even crossed my mind until near the end, a couple of years in. We'd both been young professionals, happy to keep our own space for the most part. We'd shared each other's beds, even had toiletries and a drawer set aside at each of our homes for each other, but that had been it. I hadn't even considered the idea of us living together until I'd decided I was going to propose. But then everything had fallen apart before I could ask the question.

I hadn't even known that she'd wanted kids until the fighting started. But had I been wrong about that the whole time? Had she been hiding hopes and dreams of white picket fences and a family the entire time we'd been together? Had I not seen the signs right in front of me? Or had the fighting started because she'd found out she was pregnant? Had we been on the same page until we'd conceived? Had her feelings about having a family together changed once she'd realized she was carrying our baby? Would things have been different if she'd told me we were going to have a child? Would we still have been together, right up until the end, when the cancer took her?