Always Then and Now

Chapter 10

HANNAH
“Okay, spill.  The.  Tea,” Jai said, clapping his hands with each word.  His eyes sparkled excitedly on-screen.  I’d already apologized for leaving him hanging for three full days.  He’d brushed it off, but I still felt guilty.

“Well, the house is huge, for starters,” I said, turning my phone around and showing him around my room.  “I’ve only seen a few rooms so far, though.  Kitchen, bathroom, Liam’s office, my room, Emily’s room—“

“Liam’s room?” Jai interjected with a grin, wiggling his eyebrows.

I immediately turned red and scoffed, rolling my eyes.  “Uh, no.  As much as you might fantasize about my boss, I’m afraid that’s something to which I can’t contribute.”

“Damn.  Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying.”  He tried to look sheepish, but we both knew he was anything but.  “So, how’s it going there?”

I hesitated for a moment.  “It’s going alright.  Emily is too cute for words.  She’s woken up a couple of times in tears, crying for her mom, but that’s to be expected.  Most of the time, she’s just a happy toddler.”

“Uh-huh.  I was talking about you.  How are you doing there?  And don’t think I didn’t notice that hesitation there.”  He leveled me with a look, and I sighed.

“Not gonna lie—I feel like I’m in a little over my head here,” I confessed, sitting down on the bed.  “Emily, I can handle.  I know kids.  But I feel so out of place here.  This house feels more like a hotel than my home.  I’m not comfortable.  I miss you, and I miss our house, I miss my bed, and I miss Lion-O.”

“And how are things going with Mr. Sexy?”

I groaned.  “Super awkward.  Obviously.  Because, hello, it’s me,” I said, flopping back on the bed.  “He’s perfectly fine—“

“Yeah, he is,” Jai interjected, and I rolled my eyes.

“He’s a little stiff—“ I shot Jai a look, daring him to comment.  “But that’s understandable.  He’s got a strange woman suddenly living in his house.  This has to be difficult for him, to go from living alone to living with a stranger and a surprise kid in a matter of weeks.  I can’t imagine what he must be feeling.”  I paused for a second, and he just waited patiently.  “And I can’t be making this any easier for him.  I swear, I’m the most awkward person on the planet. He’s just so impressive and successful—not to mention beyond good-looking—it’s intimidating.  I can’t even look him in the eye, I feel so inferior.  I freeze up every time he comes into the room because I’m terrified I’m going to say something stupid, so then I don’t say anything at all, and that just makes it more uncomfortable.  I swear it won’t be long before he’s had enough and sacks me.  I can tell he’s already annoyed.”

I sighed.  It felt good to get it all out.  Insecurity had followed me my whole life.  I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough, and I often felt like a fraud in any situation.  It couldn’t be me that was wanted.  There had to be some mistake.  The one recent exception had been my work at the preschool, and even then, it’d taken a long while to start to feel comfortable there.  I’d finally thought I’d found my place, and then that rug had been ripped out from underneath me, thus confirming my fear that I didn’t belong.

“Okay, babes, first of all, you need to snap out of it,” Jai said firmly, giving me a look that brooked no argument.  “Like you said, you know kids, and it sounds like you’re doing well with Emily.  After what that kid’s been through, I can’t see him firing you just because you can’t form coherent sentences around him.”

I chuckled weakly and nodded, fighting back the threatening tears.  A combination of stress, uncertainty, and Jai’s reassurances had brought them to the surface.