These Wrecked Hearts- (Published Under IMMAC)

Kabanata 10 - Zaria's Secret

ZARIA's POV

I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED FOR WHO I AM.

During our time together in college, Zavier, who is my cousin, introduced me to Khiana. Because Zavier and Khiana were enrolled in the same class, it was convenient for all of us to spend time together. When we initially started hanging out together, I didn't pay much attention to her.

However, as time went on, I began to understand that I had emotions for her. When I initially started getting to know her, I attempted to brush off these sentiments, believing they were nothing more than a passing infatuation, but the more I got to know her, the more I fell in love with her.

Yes, I loved Khiana.

Not just a friend but romantically.

Gustong-gusto ko siya pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko nga ba sasabihin sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ba ako magiging honest sa kanya sa nararamdaman ko.

"Zaria, tara kain tayo sa Popeyes. Sama ka ba?" malambing na tanong ni Khiana sa akin.

"Syempre naman."

I really cherished every moment with her. Kung pwede lang na sana ay lagi niya akong nasa tabi at lagi kaming magkasama. E 'di mas masaya!

When she spoke about the things that were important to her, her eyes shone brightly, and her laugh was contagious. I'll never forget those things. I was attracted to her warmth and her vitality, and I wanted to be in close proximity to her at all times.

I attempted to tease her and flirt with her, but I wasn't sure whether she had the same feelings for me as I had for her. It was out of concern that our relationship would be severed if I were to be really honest about how I felt, therefore I refrained from doing so.

When Khiana eventually began seeing someone else, I felt as if my heart had been shattered into a million little pieces. Kahit na alam kong wala akong karapatang maramdaman ang nararamdaman ko, nakita kong imposibleng sikmurain ang pag-iisip na may kasama siyang ibang lalaki. Mahirap para sa akin na masiyahan sa kanya, pero ginawa ko ang aking makakaya. I tried to put some space between us for a bit in the hopes that it will make my emotions go.

However, it did not.

After some thought, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't continue to act as if I was content with only being Khiana's friend. I yearned for more. I wanted to take her hand, kiss her, and express to her how much importance she had in my life. Therefore, at some point, I worked up the nerve to tell her how I really felt about her.

"Khiana... I have something to tell you," I said, nervously.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Huh? Ano 'yon?"

Pero pinanghinaan ako muli ng loob. Kaya hindi ko na nasabi ang totoo kong nararamdaman sa kanya.

"A-Ahh... Wala! Tanong ko lang sana kung gusto mo sumama sa amin nila Zavier," pagsisinungaling ko. Hindi naman kasi iyon ang gusto kong sabihin talaga sa kanya. "A-Ano sama ka ba?"

She smiled. "Sure!"

I was devastated, but I fought the need to show everyone how I felt. Hindi ko na siya masyadong nakausap pa nang mga lumipas na buwan. Masyado siyang naging busy sa buhay niya. Masyado siyang maraming ginagawa. Kaya ako naman ito na nasa gilid lang. Since college, I have loved her from afar.

After that, we found ourselves in several uncomfortable situations together. Even though we continued to get together, it just wasn't the same. I gave dating other individuals a go in an effort to move on, but no one was ever able to live up to Khiana's standards. I was still able to feel something for her, but I was aware that I was unable to act on those sentiments.

Makalipas ang ilang taon, unti-unti ng nawala ang connection namin ni Khiana. Pero sinusubaybayan ko pa rin siya sa social media. Nakikita ko pa rin naman ang iilan niyang posts at update sa buhay. Even though she's not very active on her social media, I could see some of her newer pictures that made me happy.

"I hope to see you again, Khina," I whispered to myself.

In the meanwhile, I was having difficulty with something else. I was aware of my sexual orientation, but I had no idea how to break the news to my parents. Due to the fact that they were traditionalists and religious, I was aware that if I came out to them, they would not accept me. I attempted to nudge them in the right direction by, for example, bringing up LGBTQ+ concerns in discussion, but they were quick to shut me down.

One day, I woke up and realized that I couldn't continue to pretend I wasn't who I was. I confronted my parents with the news that I was homosexual and we sat down together. Nagulat sila at nabigla sa kanilang nalaman mula sa akin. Hindi nila matanggap ang mga salitang narinig nila sa akin. They are very angry.

"I am lesbian," I said firmly.

"Ano ba 'yang pinagsasabi mo, Zaria? Walang magandang maidudulot 'yang paggaganyan mo!" sigaw sa akin ni mama. Hinampas niya pa ako sa braso ko. "Gumising ka nga!"

"Ma, I can't change myself. Heto po ako," sambit ko.

Sinabi nila na isang kahihiyan sa aking pamilya at kung patuloy akong mamuhay sa ganitong paraan ay hinding-hindi nila ako matatanggap.

I was in utter disbelief. I was really hoping that at least my parents would make an effort to comprehend what I was saying, but they didn't.

They persisted in belittling me and making fun of me, I had the impression that I was all by myself in the world and had no one to turn to for support.

However, at that moment, I recalled Khiana. I was hoping that someone like her will like me. Maybe she can give the love and acceptance that I am yearning for. Kaya naman ay sinubukan ko siyang hanapin.

Nakita ko sa recent post niya na nasa Vista Verde siya. Kaya sinundan ko siya sa resort na ito.

"This is my chance to connect to her again," I said to myself happily.

Natuwa ako nang ibigay ni Khiana sa akin ang number niya. Maybe this time, I will have a chance. Sana ay magkalakas na ako ng loob na sabihin sa kanya ang tunay ko na nararamdaman.

Habang nasa hotel room ko ako ay agad ako na nakatanggap ng message kay Khiana.

From: Khiana

See you later...

7 p.m. at the Primo Bar nearby the beach

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng excitement. Heto na ba ang hinihintay ko? Hindi ko maiwasan na makaramdam ng sobrang pagkatuwa sa isang simpleng text lang ni Khiana.

Maybe, this is my chance.