Mine

My Puppet

The darkness

I feel it all over me, it is consuming me, all I see is darkness, I am so alone, why do I feel so alone, am I truly alone, Goodnight, Goodbye

the silence is so consuming, it is so comforting, hiding in dark, where no one can see me, where no one can hear me, where I truly feel alone, where no one sees the blood, where I can lay peacefully, where I can easily bleed, where I can close my eyes, where a blanket of darkness can comfort me

My heart hurts, It feels like it is going to explode, it feels anything but happy, why, why it is it not happy, I try and try to be happy, I force myself to see the beauty in everything and most things, so why can't I be happy, I fight and fight but I just can't, please, please, help me, please send me, give me, give me something, someone that will bring me true happiness, Please God, please, I am begging you with everything I have, I know I don't have many beautiful things, but what I have is myself, I'll give you me, I'll give you my beliefs, my loyalty, my sadness, and the little happiness I could ever get

"Please don't make me go" my voice cracking as I look at my mother, her eyes holding anything but love, I try again, " Mom please, I don't want to go with him again"my seven year old self pleading to my mother , tears springing from my earthly eyes, whisper-yelling at her as she is telling my father we are going to our monthly vacation-trip

"Morena, Is something wrong"My daa questions, his arms open for me to run to as his eyes are worried about me, yanking my hand out of my mothers, as I'm crying-running into his arms, the panic in my mother's face as she doesn't have a hold on me anymore, wrapping my body around his, as I tell he "I don't want to go with mom, I want to stay with you."

Hearing my confession, my mother laughs it off, waving her hands in her face, " Ahh, She's so funny, isn't she, She always has so much fun that it's hard for me to bring her back, isn't that right Honey" as she was speaking she was pulling me off my father, creating some distance between me and him, the word honey came out in pure venom, her eyes promising a punishment for defying her, her nails dipping into my shoulder as she speaks to my father about how happy I am to leave for our monthly trip, his love for her blinded him as he always said yes to his wife

The car ride was full of silence as my mom's face was red with anger but  even the silence was short-lived as a menacing laugh came from the woman in front of me, " You dare ask your Father to stay" her laugh becoming more louder," Haven't you understood that your dad will always neglect you, when his eyes are only on me." laying her leg on top of the other one, crossing her arms as she stared at me, " I will tell him that you didn't want to see him, You know how mad he gets when you don't want to see him, and I'm pretty sure you know how if feels when he gets mad." the smile on her lips as she spoke in a fake sad tone, the car stops as it has arrived to its destination, My heart sinking, my palms sweating, I get out of the car with shaky legs

' why am I here, what did I deserve to be here' the knock on the door yanks me out of my thoughts, The door opens to show the very man I fear with every fiber of my being, the monster of my nightmares, Nam Woo-Suk

Toning them out as they spoke to each other, my head bowed as I look at his shoes, his perfected clean black shoes, my Reflection staring back at me, my body shaking as he nears me' please get away' I scream in my head ' Please get away from me' his hand lays on my shoulder as my whole body goes stiff, my ears finally working as I hear my mother telling him about the incident that happened back home, taking his hand off my shoulder as he places it on top on my head, slowly running his fingers through my hair, with each stroke he grabbed more hair, as he wrapped my hair all over his hand, onces all my hair was in his hand he commanded " Sit" throwing myself to my knees as my scalp was on fire, still having my hair in his grip not leveling my hair with me as I kneeled in front of him, pulling his hand higher as he carried all my weight, lifting me off the floor, still holding me by my hair, feeling like my body can't take it anymore, feeling weightless as my body comes in contact with the floor as he had harshly slammed me on the floor, in a fast motion I straighten myself to sit in a kneeled position as if nothing had happened, my eyes looking at his shoes to see my mother, if her face was full of worry for me, but the illusion in my eyes vanished, my mother wasn't even looking at me as her love sick eyes only stared at my monster