Head, Heart, and Soul

Trauma Dreams

Man, TW for this chapter. Abuse, mentions of gross ass shit, a little waterboarding. Read at your own discretion.

I finally settle to a light sleep, it's 5am
I open my eyes
I'm back in that room
My brothers room
I don't want to leave them
I'm scared, I have separation anxiety
He's behind me again
I tell him I want to sleep here
He tells me no
I don't understand, I'm 7 again
I say no, and turn my back to him
He grabs my shoulder
I flinch, I know I should concede
No, I will win
His other hand makes it to my shoulder
He finds the muscle, both hands
All his grip, twisting down on me
My weakest point
I fall to my knees, but I don't try to move
I'm screaming in pain
My brothers are yelling for him to quit
They stop after a minute, when he only applies more pressure
I'm screaming, crying, sobbing
I'm on my knees, begging for it to stop
Stop, stop, stop, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
He finally stops
I crumple to the floor
My neck is numb with pain
I can't stand, I can't run
He picks me up
He throws me over his shoulder
He tells my brothers goodnight
He drops me on my bed
He puts the blankets across the room
He says goodnight
That he loves me, and he's gone
I curl up, my neck and back are aching
I have rugburn on my knees
I cry until I'm asleep
It blurs together
I'm on the kitchen counter
My mother is taking pictures of the bruises
The open wounds on my knees
I say nothing happened, I just didn't listen
The bruises are hand shaped
They're huge on my small shoulders
My world flashes again
I'm back with a different man
I don't want to be here
His lap is uncomfortable
He's holding me there
I'm alone
I can't stop him
I'm back in my bed again, 8 years old
9 years old, it hasn't stopped
I hate Christmas, and thanksgiving, and every holiday I see him
I'm 10, it hasn't stopped
I'm 11, it hasn't stopped
I'm 12, will it stop?
I cry myself to sleep the nights I can
I'm back underwater
My lungs have more water than air, it feels
The hands are holding my shoulders
Down, then they pull me up
I take a breathe
I'm back under
I fight, I can't win
He says I need to learn to swim
He grabs my ankles and throws me in the deep end
My head is underwater, I can't stand
That water is 6ft
I'm only 4'9
He grabs me out again
He scolds me for not learning
I wake up, crying again
I don't remember where I am
It's only been an hour
It's 6am
I can't go back to sleep
I wash my face
Play some random music
Draw a few birds
Maybe a snake or two
I can't sleep too long
I always wake up
Crying, gasping
Forgetting where I am most of the time
The dreams where I relive it all
The trauma dreams