this is me trying | taylor swift

thirteen

❝while you were out building other worlds, where was i?❞

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The first time Ella had forced herself to throw up, she felt disgusting.

The night that Ella broke down was the same night that she tried it for the first time. Without any knowledge or direction regarding the subject, the teenager did what any other person in the modern-day society would do. She Googled it.

The search provided millions of various webpages instantaneously, each with a different title or catch phrase. Ella purposefully ignored the different support hotlines and warnings that her browser provided, scrolling quickly past those and landing on various articles that each discussed the topic. Finally, after skimming through a few that eventually gave her a gist of how to approach what she wanted to do, Ella decided to try it for herself. After all, her father always said that the best way to learn is to do.

It didn't happen immediately, but rather took a few tries. When it finally worked, Ella instantly became terrified and immediately stopped, as she erupted in a fit of coughs. Gags divulged from her throat, this time unintentionally, as she rushed to the sink to brush her teeth and scrape her tongue. Ella's throat and stomach burned and her mouth tasted absolutely rancid. The blonde girl cleaned herself up before moping towards the toilet to flush the remnants down the drain. Completely discouraged and utterly frightened, she leaned against wall of the bathroom and slid down onto the tile. Ella placed a shaky hand on her forehead, cupping it as to provide some sort of reassurance as she vowed to never do that again.

✮

If only it was that easy.

Like most promises of Ella's these days, this one too was broken. Less than a week after the incident, the Swift party of three decided to dine at a local Italian restaurant. By all accounts, it was a beautiful day. The sun was setting which casted a sherbet-colored hue across the balcony of the restaurant and the family had not been bothered by anyone for pictures. Ella did not have homework to do or school the following day, so she could technically relax, guilt-free. It should have been a perfect day. But alas, it was not.

What Scott and Andrea believed to be a fun outing for their daughter on a Thursday evening quickly became Ella's worst nightmare. During this rare night, free from dance rehearsals, school events, and business ventures, the family had decided to spend it eating lavish pasta complete with truffle and the finest wines, for Ella's parents, of course.

Ella's body tensed after she asked where the family planned to dine and received a response that she was less-than-happy about. She knew that the food would be filled with everything that she had not planned to consume, and the panic began setting in immediately.

As the teenager sat across her parents at the table overlooking the waterfront, she twirled her fork around, discreetly pushing the food from one side of her plate to the other. Ella was well-versed enough to successfully hold a normal conversation with her parents, who were interested in all avenues of her life, but in the back of her mind, she was far removed from the conversation. Thoughts of her caloric intake circled through her mind as she continuously calculated the number of calories she was consuming and how intensely she would need to restrict and exercise to cancel it out.

Finally, the dreaded dinner came to an end as Ella kindly declined her parents' offer of a sweet treat claiming exhaustion from the day before her. Upon arrival at the family home, Ella sluggishly made her way to her bedroom, tears welling in her eyes until she couldn't hold it in any longer. She felt the salty tear drip down her face and onto her neck as she allowed the tears to flow freely, without bothering to wipe them off. Ella felt nauseous, beyond heavy, and absolutely gross.