Mrs Ahmed Shehu

20

AHMED

The decision to celebrate Eid with my parents in Katsina is one I make last minute. We arrive in the home I grew up in just as Isha is being called. While the kids are excited, Suraiya's nervous so I take it upon myself to ensure she eases out as soon as possible.

It takes about an hour and a lot of hugs from Mama and my cousin sisters who are visiting (most of my family members have their houses in the same area; like a mini estate for the Shehus) to get Suraiya to loosen up. Sure, she's not as free as she is in Abuja but she's relaxed and that's more than enough for me.

I've missed Katsina. It's a realisation I have as I walk down the corridors, towards my room which is the farthest in the house. Nurudeen will stay in the room next to mine while the girls and Suraiya will settle in on the other side (Adeelah and Teslimah in one room, Suraiya in another).

I don't freshen up until Nurudeen's freshened up and changed into the mini version of the outfit I plan on wearing; loose trousers, a loose shirt and slippers I don't remember getting for him. They're from Suraiya, I'm sure of it.

Once he runs off in search of his sisters and his age mates (there are so many of them so I know he'll be fine), I use the adjourning door to enter my room. I can't remember why this door was put between both rooms but it's helped a lot, especially since the kids came along and we (including Asma) came to visit. Teslimah used to stay in that room and when she woke up crying, Asma and I used the door to check in on her. It was the same with Adeelah and now, Nurudeen. When I look back like this, it's amazing how the years have gone by and it's amazing just how much has changed.

I lock the main room door, get my outfit for the night out of my box, turn my data off and then grab a neatly folded towel from the wardrobe. The bathroom is sparkling clean, as always, and there's still a twinge of turaren wuta. Mama keeps the entire house clean even when there's no one in it. She always says we never know when we're going to have to come back and that the last thing we want after returning from a journey is to deal with a dirty house.

I wait until the water's warm before stepping into the shower cubicle, glad every product on the recess is new. Despite expecting to keep a clear mind throughout my shower, I find my thoughts going in a certain direction. It's been that way for over a month now, maybe even longer.

Things with Suraiya have felt...Different? I don't know if that's the right word for it but there's been a change. It's not a bad change. Things between us are softer and...easier. It just flows out well and I find myself wanting more of what I don't even understand.

When she talks, I find myself wanting her to keep her eyes on mine and when she laughs, I like being there. When she wants to share her opinions, I want to be the first she shares them to and when I have to leave the house, I like coming back and seeing her home with that smile on her face. And there's the fact that I subtly love it when she's close; closer to me than she used to be before. It's one of the reasons why I can't stop thinking about what happened in the kitchen a few days ago.

I didn't think much of it when I went behind her to check the cabinet but when I realised what I was doing, it took a lot of effort to step back. Did I deliberately take my time getting the plates from the cabinet? Yes, I did. Do I know why I did that? No. Do I regret it? No, I don't. I'm glad it didn't make her uncomfortable and I'm glad it's changed nothing between us.

I don't know what's going on but I don't want to think about it. I keep telling myself to live in the moments and it always sounds like the most reasonable to do. So I tell myself the same thing once more in this very moment. I'll keep savouring it...Whatever it is. I'll be fine. We both will be, I'm sure of it.