The Great War || Loki

Chapter 32 - Loki

My mother tried talking to me once I got home but I ignored her. I locked myself in my chambers and collapsed on the floor. I have no idea how my feet carried me here.

I look at the pendant and tear up again. I focus on my breaths before the frustration and fear sinks in. But it starts anyway. My chest feels heavier and heavier. My breaths become shorter and shorter.

She should be here. I need her here. I can't do this-- I can't be alone again. She kept me going. With her I wasn't just surviving life, I was living. I want to live again, but she--

What am I supposed to do now? Move on? How do I do that? How do anyone moves on with their life after they lost their will to live?

•••

I rub my head against the pillow as I turn to my side. Right after I feel motion from my side so I move closer.

"Good morning" Selene chuckles

"Good morning" I reply putting my arm around her tightly

"Are you alright?" she asks and worry decorates her voice. I realize I must have been holding her too tightly.

"Yes. It was just... a big nightmare" I answer

"I am sorry to hear that".

I wrap my arms around her and kiss her head. "Everything is good now. We are right here" I speak

"Yes we are".

Quickly and without realizing, I fall asleep again. This time I can feel the soft smile on my face as I come out of sleep. Unfortunately, it doesn't take me long to remember... She was the dream, her death wasn't. My smile fades away as I open my eyes.

I have been holding her favorite pillow in my arms so tightly all night, and I still can't get enough of it. The dream felt comforting, but it hurt at the same time.

I push the covers off me and I get out of bed. I walk to my cabinet and grab the last bottle in there. Holding it, I get out of the room. Only a couple hallways later I reach the library.

There, I take a seat on the comforter and I rest my head on the arm of it. I close my eyes for a moment. The memories of her in my arms rush back to me. I used to read to her and she would let me talk and talk without making me feel like I was too much. I can be too much, especially when I am geeking about some matter.

Selene always paid attention. The moments we spend in and out of here, the things we did, the feelings she made me experience for the first time, everything is going to stay engraved in me forever. And I am going to miss them all along.

I drink once again but nothing seems to numb the pain. I pull out of my pocket another dagger. I spin it in my hand a few times and I watch as it shines against the light.

I drink again.

I spin the dagger.

I drink. I spin the dagger.

The door swings open and immediately I hide the blade.

"There you are, dear. I was looking for you" my mother says as she walks in

"Sorry, I didn't have a good night"

"You don't need to apologize. I am sure you are not in the best shape and I only want to help you. Did you get any sleep?"

"Not really" I answer and I take a sip from my bottle.

I can tell she doesn't like that but I don't care. I have to numb this pain somehow and keep it numb.

"Are you feeling any better at least?" she wonders

"I watched the woman I love die. I felt her slip away from my arms. There is no feeling better after that"

"Don't say that--"

"Why? Isn't it true? The only thing I feel is that I must be the punchline to some twisted cosmic joke, because every time I allow myself to be happy, life punishes me for it. And like Odin said, I was born only to cause pain, suffering and death" I say and I wipe a tear from my cheek

"No, don't say that, please. You are more than that. You have good in you and I see it, just like Selene saw it. You can be anything and anyone you want to be. It only depends on you and your choices"

"Maybe, but examples have proved that I am incapable of making the right decisions. I am not Thor"

"No, you are Loki. My Loki. And it is time you stop chaising Thor's shadow and follow your own path. You don't have to be king or powerful to be happy. Selene proved that to you, and yet once you two fought you returned to your old habits and interests; a throne. You don't need that, do you, Loki?".

Another tear escapes my eye as I shake my head. "I need her. I would do anything for her to be here right now" my voice breaks in the end

"I know, honey" she wraps her arms around me and I do as well.

"She jumped in front of a blade for me. Me! Who in their right mind would have done that? Why would she give her life for me?" I sob

There are so many questions I wish I could ask her, but I only have one chance to speak to her. I can't waste it while being emotional.

"She did it for the same reason you would do it" my mother finally answers me.

I can't believe someone would care for me so much that they would sacrifice their own life. It doesn't sound right.

I feel her hand reach lower behind my back and take my dagger away from me for now. I don't react and pretend to not feel it. She always knows...

"How about we go to Omnipotence City together today? I haven't had the opportunity to pay me respects to her yet" she suggests

"I don't think this is a good idea"

"Of course it is. Come on, up. Get dressed and I will see you in a bit" she orders and walks away.

I roll my eyes and I stand. I use my magic to make myself presentable, at least. I accompany my mother to Omnipotence City and lead her to Selene. I stay a few feet away, because I already feel new tears forming in my eyes.

My mother kneels and sits next to Selene's stone. Then she extends her arm to me. "Come here" she suggests

"I am good here"

"Come" she orders this time.

I breathe out and I step closer until I sit down with her. My heart is beating so fast and hard that I think it will jump out of my chest at some point. I keep my eyes away from the stone with her name on.

"You never told me how you two met" my mother speaks

"It's really not the time"

She gives me one threatening glance.

"I was on Midgard with Thor when we came across her. She used a fake name there, but I recognized her energy immediately. She was strong but she wasn't one of us. So I looked something up and visited her. I was trying to trick her into letting me in her inner circle but it seems like I fell into my own trap.

"In the beginning, I didn't like her. We were together only out of spite. She was infuriating but also comforting at the same time. We had similar experiences, so we knew that we understood each other without too many words.

"Then her parents reached out to her, and everything started going downhill from there. You have no idea what they did to her, and they had the nerve to demand forgiveness while still manipulating and beating her down. I promised to keep her safe from them. And now she's..."

"No, no. What did we say? She doesn't blame you, no one is blaming you".

She changed the topic quickly after that while still keeping the focus of it on Selene. I talked to her about the good memories. We laughed together. I even addressed Selene a couple of times like she was listening.

It was better than I originally thought. It made me more comfortable, and the memories I was watching in black and white, started getting their color back.