Cut Open

Cut Open: chapter fifteen

Sirens, car horns, and yelled suddenly started to screech in my ears all at once. Louder and louder they became with every waking moment. Slowly coming back to conciseness, my head and my shoulder starts to throb with agonizing pain once again. Voices all around me started to become even louder than before and started to become more clear. Something soft and warm, starts to slide across my four head. Fingers running through my hair, down my cheek, making little circular motions around my face and around my eyes.

My eyes quickly fluttered open, but I can't see anything clearly. Every thing seems blurry, with no true shapes or colors. Every thing's just so blurry, so fake, so bright. Just not real. The stench of dried blood suddenly filled my nostrils as I took a deep raged breath in. Blurry white figures started to run towards me, carrying something in their hands but I can't make it out. Lights start to flash and another siren forms. What's going on?

The white figures approached me and knelt down beside me. One of them quickly placed down a box in front of me and started to rampage through it. Voices mumble as another one of the figures put something around my neck. A neck brace I think, but why would I need one? My neck's not broken...at least I think it's not. Strong, fierce hands grabbed ahold of my ankles and shoulders. Suddenly a whining noise escaped from between my lips. Let go...let go of me. I think to myself. Trying to force the words out of my mouth, I lip the words. But nothing comes out. No sounds, no words.A soft, light hand takes mine and intertwines it's fingers with mine.

"Stay with me," Josh said, as the white figures hoisted me up and placed me on a bed type thing. Laying me on it, they wheel me away. Josh staying by my side the whole time, didn't take no for an answer when they asked him to meet us at the hospital.

As they put me in the back of the ambulance, and hooked some ivies in my arms, Josh took a seat next to me. Still holding my hand tightly. The back doors slammed shut behind us and the vehicle came alive with noise. Engine running, monitors beeping, and medical appliances rattling. Taking off, the sirens started up again. Why? Why do they have to have the sirens on?

"Let go...let me go.." The words finally make their way out of my mouth when I wasn't thinking. But this wasn't the appropriate time for those choice of words.

"What?" Josh asked, leaning in closer to me. Clearing my throat, Josh clenched my hand tighter in his, and held it against his heart. The rapid thumping of his heart beat steadies me a little, the touch of it breaks mine.

"Let me go, I'm not worth it...I'm not worth worrying over, and I'm not worth your tears....Just let me go now.." I said, starting to grow weaker and weaker with each waking second. Some how talking and raising my voice a little was tiring to me. How could talking weaken me so quickly? Was I that out of it?

I looked over at met Josh's gaze, and how I wish I never had said those words to him. Tears flooded his eyes, and a red tint flushed his cheeks. Lowering his head, he dropped my hand and placed his hands over his face. Quickly I looked away and looked up at the ceiling of the ambulance. Closing my eyes tightly I try and clock the images of Josh, out of my mind. But  their still there. They've made their marks deep in my brain, and I can never remove them. They're there for good now.

"I'm sorry.." Is all I could force out of my mouth, but Josh didn't say anything. All he did was hunch over and cry more. Weeping and moaning in the pain that I've caused him. Guilt and pain enclosed around me, and the sudden urge to cut filled my entire body. No, I can't cut right now. Not now, not while Josh is here. Fighting this urge started to weaken me a lot more, and I just wanted to lay here and die.

I wonder if this is how Jenna felt...in the back of the ambulance, hurt, broken, barely alive...so...alone. No where to turn, just left there to stay, just to stay here and die. Biting my lover lip, I clench my hands into fists and close my eyes. No, I'm not going to just sit here and die, I'm going to keep fighting. No matter what it takes, I'm going to get out of here.